Anyone else feel like men never fall for them ?

[walker05]

I feel like men are always very lukewarm about me, or not sure, 'seeing how it goes'. Apart from my first ever boyfriend a decade ago, I don't think a man has ever fallen for me that I know of.
I have had a couple of men who were very keen until they got what they wanted and then 'suddenly faded'.
And guys who have just 'suddenly realised they were not that into me'.
I never imagined it being so hard. I was at my friend's wedding recently and the groom was saying "she was very shy the first time I met her and I just fell in love there and then."
I've had rejections for 'not being a challenge' 'too shy' and 'just no connection'.

The men are always very keen to sleep with me which is annoying. I never sleep with them right away, usually after a few weeks/a month. With my Last ex it was 5 weeks.
I try my best, I don't sit there silently, only talk about myself, Instagram etc. I've got a range of hobbies, travelled, I speak 5 languages.
Maybe I just haven't met the right person or just been unlucky. I've been doing therapy and the therapist said there is nothing 'wrong' with me as per se.
Anyone else feel this way ? Any advice ?
I just want to be enough for somebody and for them to find me amazing as I am.

I don't think that many of the men are 'out of my league' though i'm maybe wrong.
Normally I get some sort of comment from my friends about how the guy is 'punching' 'not all that' 'I can do a lot better' or things to that effect.

Is it possible that you are trying too hard to NOT try too hard? That maybe they are keen, but you don't seem that keen on them so they back off?

I feel the same. I seem to get interest from quite a few men with online dating. The ones I liked didn't want to have relationships with me although it seemed to be a mutual attraction while dating.

I also feel I've got interesting things to talk about and I'm interested in getting to know people. Frustrating isn't it!

I am much more cautious now. Once bitten twice shy as they say.

Thanks for the replies, I would say they know I like them, as I am quite forthcoming. I have never been friendzoned instantly, usually happens after 1-2 months.
I don't do anything 'crazy' like déclare my love after 2 dates, talk about marriage and babies, send 6 million texts etc..

Rosesunflower yes totally frustrating. I usually get told they are 'attracted to me, but dont see us together' or something.

I have had 3 dates with a guy, and he was tactile on the 3rd, then texted me saying he liked me.
But the sceptical side of me is telling me that he probably just wants sex and isn't that into me, so I am very hesitant.

I have a friend who is extremely laid-back, always goes with the flow, will just wait for the guy to initiate everything and never makes a fuss. She has been dumped twice recently. I like to think I am easy-going, I am not high maintenance but I tend to say it how it is. I wish I was more someone who could 'just leave it', but I tend to challenge men on stuff and the therapist reckons this could intimidate and frighten some men..

Could you tell the guy you've had dates with that you want to get to know him slowly? If he's just looking for sex he might disappear and you will know where you stand with him. Hopefully he won't.

Just a suggestion

Rosesunflower yes that's a good idea :) unfortunately he's going to Australia for minimum 1 month, at the start of September. He says he may well be back after a month so cannot promise anything.
He seems such a sweet, normal down to earth guy and can't imagine him just wanting one thing then disappearing, but I guess anyone can seem nice initially. I will say to him that it's better to see what happens after Australia.

I hope it goes well for you

Men do fall for me, but it's always the ones I'm not really interested in. I tend to attract very nice, kind blokes ... unfortunately the attraction/chemistry is rarely there for me. I used to think personality was enough, but it's not. There has to be some degree of chemistry.

Hide your vulnerability FFS. Tell them you want a shag on date [1/2/3/5/10] because thats how you roll.

Don't ever let a potential date see your weakness! Jesus!

Let me just expand...

Not because of an inherent weakness on your part!
Becuause it make you extra special to abusers.

How old are you op?

Perhaps you show your too keen when you like someone? Men tend to like a challenge. All the guys (when I was dating) were always keen because early on I was never interested. I was always polite and fun, but could cancel a date because I didn’t feel like it or because I was tired (would make an excuse, but suggest another day). And I didn’t have to always be in touch. Guys always seem to like this. Someone who was fun, friendly, but not always available. Unfortunately, this is only easy to do when your not into someone lol.

I've had rejections for 'not being a challenge' 'too shy' and 'just no connection

Ok then that's something to work with. Not being a challenge. Do you make yourself overly available? Nothing else going on socially? Too shy? It would indicate you're not great at conversation. No connection. Would indicate you struggle to find out enough about them to find mutual interests. Which then goes back to thr too shy thing and poor conversation.

Sometimes we think we are all that in our heads, but it's not how we come across.

I'd work with th feedback you've been given. See what you can do with that.

Why is it annoying that they want to sleep with you?
Why do you leave it for weeks? Are you doing this to test their interest and intent or because you don't really like sex, or perhaps more authentic and genuinely just don't like sex with relative strangers?

I'm not judging, I'm trying to understand why and what impression you give to potential partners about your attitude to sex.

You seem very intelligent and educated. This combined with the duality of being both shy but also able or willing to challenge people on an intellectual level can be quite difficult. I'm similar. I'm shy but I can also be quite assertive and challenging if I feel the need. It can come over as being prickly. So, because my true self is assured but cautious of new people, I seem to them aloof and prickly. Could this be possible?

I do agree with FuriousVexation, don't show vulnerability. Never discuss previous bf and relationships with potential new men. Only certain types of vulnerability seem attractive to men!!

No one ever fell for me pre Dh. Not a nice feeling. I could never figure it out.

Well I had the opposite - they would fall for me hook line and sinker. I remember someone saying 'as soon as I got to know you, it was ok and the feeling passed'
Great 😂

I think people fall for a template. And if you're not fitting that template, they won't fall for you.
Some people are very common templates and you are a less common one, so it will take a while longer to meet the right person.

Also, never take anyone seriously pre 3 months. Nobody actually starts to fall for anyone before 3 months. If they say they are falling, they are deluded and MAY fall properly later but that is mere coincidence. Before 3 months you barely know somebody.

BTW, I used to feel like this. And eventually met my husband.

Thanks a lot for the replies. I just find it hard to have a balance. The one who rejected me for 'not battling him' I was in a long-distance relationship with and so we only saw each other every few weeks, so too available couldn't have been an issue. He tried to 'reassure' me by saying I had a 'gorgeous body' urgh. Just saying attractive would have been enough.
I work typical Monday-Friday hours and have hobbies and friends but I always have time to see people in the week/weekend unless i'm going away somewhere, but most definitely not every day.
I just couldn't imagine telling someone I liked that I was too busy for a few weeks on end, unless I was going away.
I fully agree that men seem to be very keen when you are not that interested, but then when you are I guess the vibe changes.
It tends to take me a few weeks to feel ready to sleep with someone, and i'm quiet by nature and introverted.
I try my best to have interesting conversations and be chatty but do run out of stream after a while.
I suppose I never imagined it would be this hard. Not to sound arrogant as I have my flaws but I feel like they could do a lot worse. I try to be pleasant and they always comment on how 'nice' I am.
Just feel like I must have that 'wow' factor missing or that I am giving off a vibe.
Thanks for all the advice !

I always feel as though I've had to 'hypnotise' men into wanting to be with me, in a way. I'm not pretty, although I am interesting and have a very interesting job, they don't really want to get to know me. I'm the 'only good for a shag, don't want to be seen out with her' woman.

However, I've been married three times. But with all of them I've had to sublimate something of myself to try to fit in to some template that they've had.

I've stopped doing that now. If men don't like me - their loss.

You will find the right man, walker, you just have to keep looking. I've given up, I'm too old for that shit now.

I'm sure you are pretty zaphodsotherhead. I'm sorry to hear what you have been through and that you have given up. I like to think you can find love at any age, but the main thing is your happiness. It's good you no longer care what men think, though.

Usually with me, there is never any incident or anything blatant that I seem to have done, they just suddenly pull away and lose interest and stop being affectionate, start taking longer to reply etc. Literally overnight.
Guy I have had 3 dates with has replied a very short text to what I sent and without any questions on it, the cogs in my mind are turning and i'm telling myself he's realising he is not really that into me, even if I have done absolutely nothing.

I have been rejected in some shape or form by 7 guys in the last 4 years. I know I am not the only one, and maybe it isn't even that many, but they have always rejected me before things progressed to a proper relationship as opposed to flat-out from the the start saying no.

walker you say you are quiet and introverted but try to be chatty and outgoing on dates - maybe you are dating men who are your opposite? That if you are introverted you need to date men who are extroverts, and they are just finding you too quiet or introverted for them?

What are the men like that you've dated?

I know I've tended to date men who I've seen as 'reliable and steady' to offset my chaotic nature. I think, eventually, I've got tired of trying to fit in with their reliablity when i secretly want spontaneity, and they've tired of me being 'flaky' (in their eyes).

All the clues are there though op.

People are telling uou you're too shy, no connection, no challenge, and you know no one suggested telling someone you're unavailable for weeks on end,, but in the next breath tell us you're always available at weekends, are shy, introverted,

So it seems like you're always being available, translates as nothing else going on of a weekend, too shy and introverted translates as struggling with small talk and unable to find connection points.

As it's all you have to work on, this is what i would work on. The art of conversation. Making eye contact, finding out about others. How to relax in other's company, even a shy introvert can learn these things.

Yes it's a good point. The most recent ex and I, I initially liked him as he was sporty like me, very easy to talk to, and I could easily spend 8 hours with him which was rare for me. However as I got to know him more I found that he was a massive 'lad', pissed every weekend, very loud, football hooligan type.
The previous one to that was a massive pisshead, still living at home at 29, smoked weed and criminal record. Wanted to give him a chance but it 'just faded' after sex he said...
The new guy is very chatty but not obnoxious and in your face, has a very calm demeanor and drinks in moderation.

Yes, I will try to work on myself more. The thing is that I would assume theyd reject me after a couple of days if the issues mentioned were big enough, but they seem to carry on for 1-3 months.
I will try though. Just find it tough being constantly chatty and having loads to say all the time, I kind of run out of steam, but I feel like that's what people want.