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Original poster

Money and marriage, who is right?

48 replies

Notallitseemstobe · 17/08/2019 14:13

We are married but never had joint accounts. We both work although his salary is almost twice mine.

He pays mortgage and some bills and things like holidays.

I pay food, kids things, other bills.

I received a small inheritance that went on a new car and the mortgage.

He recieved a large inheritance which has been spent on the mortgage and sits in his account.

A year ago I had to take out a loan to buy a new car. He sees no reason to pay this off, but it costs me money each month. He has far more in savings currently.

He talks and acts as if the money isn't really my concern. And it feels controlling.

I want him to give me money to pay off my loan.

Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 17/08/2019 14:17

How were the decisions made to pay off the mortgage-jointly?

Original poster
Notallitseemstobe · 17/08/2019 14:20

Broadly, yes. But he's making investment decisions without asking me.

I have no idea how much money we have.

OP posts:
Flerkin · 17/08/2019 14:24

It depends.

Some couple treat inheritance as each persons own money. Though that person may use it to spend on joint purchases.

Depends on how you do it

Why did you get a car loan, if you would struggle to pay it?

raspberryk · 17/08/2019 14:25

So your inheritance paid for a new car for him and you have a loan for your new car?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 17/08/2019 14:27

If your inheritance went on a new car, why did you need to take a loan to buy another new car?

Also, you shouldn’t have paid the mortgage with your inheritance without a discussion about what would happen with future inheritances.

Really he should help you out. It’s not much of a partnership if you don’t help your partner out when you can. He has money sitting there and could help you but won’t. Where’s the love? Where’s the respect? I’m not seeing any.

Itsonlytuesdayqwer · 17/08/2019 14:28

Joint money for me, I don’t see how a DH could watch his DW pay off a debt for a car that could be paid off straight away therefore saving £ per month and not paying uncessary interest. Makes no sense.

Also for me you should know how much inheritance it is... it’s a marital asset and essentially if you split you would be entitled to half of all the assests!

daisypond · 17/08/2019 14:31

All your money should be joint, if you ask me.

sincethereis · 17/08/2019 14:32

To me inheritance is for that particular person but you should discuss with your DH.

NotJustACigar · 17/08/2019 14:35

It seems bizarre to me to have separate finances when married although I know some people do it. If one partner has a lot more money than the other does that seems really wrong ...and I say that as someone who earns a lot more than my husband and had more savings too when we met. I can't imagine having money on a separate account and watching him struggle, that would be cruel. So yes I agree with you but think there are bigger issues here than just the car loan.

BogglesGoggles · 17/08/2019 14:35

Unless you have agreed otherwise all money should bebjoint in a marriage.

LemonTT · 17/08/2019 14:40

In reality money in a marriage is only joint of both are willing to share or when you divorce.

JK1773 · 17/08/2019 14:42

You’re totally right OP! He should pay off the car, you are married

showmethegin · 17/08/2019 14:47

He sounds rather tight and controlling. Neither of these are good. My dp and I aren't yet married, I'm the higher earner but we have a joint account where all direct debits come out of, and savings go into. All we each do on payday is retain the same amount (say 400) for personal use and everything else goes into the joint account. Then we both get to spend that 400 as our own fun money. (Although we still treat each other to meals out etc with it.)

I would never let my DP struggle as the lower earner and I know it would be exactly the same if the shoe was on the other foot. It's a partnership.

lovelyupnorth · 17/08/2019 14:49

Everything for us goes into one pot. And used as a family. Can see how one partner could let the other have debt when it’s not required.

SeaSidePebbles · 17/08/2019 14:56

Well, if you’re paying interest and the interest on the loan is more than the interest from the saviggs account, yes, makes no sense for him to not pay the car loan.

Equally, I think it makes more sense to pay a chunk off the mortgage, rather than the car loan, assuming the interest you’re being charged is higher.

But that’s not the problem, is it, OP? Is the fact that you’ve put your inheritance in the pot and you have no access to his.

Look, I’m not married, but I have a partner. Nothing joint. We look at our finances together and we discuss things. I would never take a loan out, I just have 0% interest credit cards. He is a bit lax with money, so I organise his savings. The idea is that we do communicate, we know how much the other has. We don’t pool the money but we decide together what is the best way of managing it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2019 14:57

You are being financially controlled and such behaviour is abusive in nature. He is a man who does not want to share. How is it that you do not know just how much money there is?.
Does he give you an "allowance".

What is he like with you and in turn your DC day to day?.

What are you getting out of this relationship?.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/08/2019 14:59

You think you're in a team. He doesn't.

HaileySherman · 17/08/2019 15:00

I feel that in a healthy, dedicated family, it is all family money, going to family goals. I think if either of you want something expensive or extravagant then you discuss it and figure out how to pay for it (if it's possible) because everyone's opinion/happiness/ desires matter. The only reason to keep anything separate is if you don't plan on " 'til death do us part" or there are other major issues ie substance abuse, gambling addiction. It's how my parents operated the household and it seemed the right/respectful way to handle things. Obviously my upbringing impacts my viewpoint on this.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 17/08/2019 15:05

When you marry you become one. Leave and cleave. Unified etc.. What is his is yours and what is yours is his. Seems noone seems to take this seriously anymore.

7salmonswimming · 17/08/2019 15:09

All these married couples raising children together but keeping finances separate. I don’t get it. Are you in or are you out? If you’re not sure, or you’re hedging your bets, where does that leave your children? Are you fully in with them, or are you counting percentages as far as they’re concerned, too? Do you each count the hours of “childcare” you do? You care for each other enough to have children together, but not to share the burden of financial concerns? In this case, your DH loves and respects you enough to have his children with, but not enough to spare you financial worry when he can? What is he doing with his money that’s more important than treating the mother of his children with care, respect, equality, worth, relieving her stress over a few grand? I find it horribly demeaning and belittling, as though he considers himself a separate entity, independent of the family, free to act in his own best interests at the expense of yours.

It’s baffling. I’m by far in the stronger financial position in my marriage, I wouldn’t dream of keeping my money separate.

framboisier · 17/08/2019 15:10

Well I see things slightly differently in that I agree that family expenditure should be split between both - but according to how much you can contribute. I earn more, so our contributions are 65:35.

I'd see an inheritance as an individual thing - and wouldn't have a problem if my DH got something and wanted to eg buy himself a new car. But I would absolutely expect that to work both ways - so I would want the same latitude on how I spent anything coming my way.

I think the issue here is the inherent inequality between how you have both treated your extra sums. But did you discuss what you would do...or did you assume you were doing "the right thing" and that your DH would follow suit?

Original poster
Notallitseemstobe · 17/08/2019 15:21

Mine was only 70k so we discussed jointly what we would do.

His was nearer 400k and its felt very like his money.

The marriage is not in good shape to be honest

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/08/2019 15:25

If he's paid off some of the mortgage with "his" inheritance then he has turned it all into a marital asset.

It's ridiculous that he has savings whilst you are paying interest on a car loan Confused

Flerkin · 17/08/2019 15:39

How much was paying off the mortgage.

And who has the car that you bought?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/08/2019 15:51

Notallitseemstobe

Why are the two of you together?.

Men who are controlling with money often behave poorly in other areas of the relationship too. I am not altogether surprised to read that your marriage is not in great shape.