DH doesn't want to have sex anymore

[thisismyotherprofile]

I'm not sure why I'm posting. Just to vent I suppose because I know what my options are. 1. Accept it and put up with it or 2. Leave. I don't have anyone IRL i feel comfortable enough with that I could talk to about it.

We've been together 5 years, married for 2 with one DC (3).

We just don't have sex anymore. He says he's not interested in sex. He's always too tired whenever I've suggested it and I've never tried to pressure him. I've tried everything to encourage 'the mood' like making nice dinners, losing weight, buying nice clothes and underwear etc but he doesn't want to anymore. I don't think he's having an affair and he says that he still finds me attractive and I believe him. I asked him to see his GP which he did. His GP didn't think there was anything medically wrong. It's difficult to accept that someone you love no longer desires you or wants to be that intimate.

We had a sex life before we got married but it has dried up completely now. I feel like now he's got me he doesn't need to pretend anymore. This must be the real him now. I just wish he had told me at the beginning that he was asexual.

I don't know what responses I'm expecting, probably just stories of you're own experiences with someone who is asexual or as someone who is asexual.

I didn't think that I would be giving up on having a sex life at 35! I had always thought it would be something I find important in a relationship but now I've got to find ways of keeping us strong and maintaining our bond.

Sorry to just vent. It has helped me to just write all of this down.

I ended a long term relationship over this. I didn't want to have sex with someone who didn't want to, but I have a high sex drive and it was an important part of a relationship for me. We did try an open relationship for a while but he got too jealous.

Only you can know whether you can live with this. People do have differing libidos and it can cause friction but if someone is asexual then this is very different.

Surely it's up to him to work to "maintain your bond" if he's the one changing the nature of your relationship. Why does it fall to you?

Tell him you're going to get it elsewhere. See what he thinks/says. He might not be bothered.

When did things change? What was your sex life like before? Do you still have other intimacy (holding hands, kissing, cuddling etc)?

It's very difficult, OP. You have my sympathy.
Things were like this with my ex-h. Our sex life was never great but then after having our DC it got to the point where we hadn't had sex in 9 years and I was really trying to tell myself it didn't matter, but it did. I gradually started to feel more and more dead from the neck down. There were other problems in the relationship and this isn't the only reason we split, but I'd say it was a huge factor.
I'm now in a relationship where the sex is amazing and I feel so alive and connected to my DP in a way I didn't feel with my ex-h.
No advice really but I thought I'd share my experience in case it helps at all.

He's not necessarily asexual. He could be gay, cheating, have a madonna/whore complex (now you're a mother, no sex for you) or even just be easily bored and unsuited to long term relationships.

Whatever the answer, don't stick around thinking that, if you are celibate, he is also. You could be shocked to find that he cheats and/or leaves at some point and even turn it around to place the blame on you.

Be wary, OP.

That's rubbish if he won't tell you the truth about the issue then there isn't any hope for it.

No 35 is prime time.
Agreed with @BarbedBloom
I've ended relationship because
Of bad sex.
Shallow? Not sure but it's not fun to be constantly rejected.

Over the years sex changes but it is very important to me in marriage so o think I'd feel a bit duped if I was you op.

Why only these two options?
Have you asked him if he wants to open up your marriage? If he isn’t interested in sex himself - he might not mind you taking the pressure off him and going praise if marriage for that.
And of course, there is a FWB way too.

Sounds lonely op. How's the rest of the relationship? Laugh together, date nights ext? Have you any thoughts of what your going to do, if he doesn't open up or change

I'd tell him what you need and ask him why he doesn't want to find ways of giving it to you

Once he's explained , tell him you're going to get what you need elsewhere or you're going to end the marriage

I'd get my financial ducks a-quacking and in a row before I said the above

Is it actual sex you're missing? or intimacy? that feeling of bonding and connecting with someone you love?
Do you still love and fancy him?
Do you feel rejected?
It might help to identify what it is that you want and that will maybe help with what you want to do about it.

It's obviously not good to have such different levels of sexual needs. It sounds like it is wearing down your self esteem so it's important you address it. He should be willing to work on this for your happiness. Maybe see a therapist? The situation is not at all fair to you OP. Make a plan to address it and an idea about what you're willing to live with. It's ok to take care of you.

I'm on the other side of this in that I don't want sex any more. In my case it's menopause causing total loss of libido, but also (and mainly, because I'd carry on on the grounds of 'use it or lose it) because my partner has NO interest in intimacy outside sex. I asked if why he never hugged me and he said 'because I might get an erection...'

So do you and your DH have physical affection that doesn't lead to sex, OP? Does he feel as though any kind of physical touch MUST lead to sex? Does he cuddle you? Because if he fears he may suffer from ED, he might be reluctant to show affection if he's afraid he may be pressurised into sex.

But I agree that a relationship with no sex and no affection is no kind of relationship at all.

This happened to me. My husband said all the same things, he still loved and fancied me but just didn't feel like sex. It was soul destroying being turned down time after time, and eventually all other intimacy dried up too, kisses, handholding etc. Just like living with a friend. We tried an open marriage but I can't have sex without an intimate connection with someone, which it didn't feel right to form with someone else whilst being married. So we decided to end the relationship.
I'm now in a loving, caring and sexually fulfilling relationship with someone else, husband and I coparent well and happily.

For me, if you have to "try" to be sexually attracted to someone, it's not the same. I couldn't bear for my husband to have sex with me when he didn't want to, be a pity case. And (again from my perspective, this may differ for others) a marriage without sex and intimacy isn't a marriage.

Does he still mastuubate?

I’m on the other side of this, at the far end of the menopause and haven’t really been that interested for 10 years(married). I can’t say why, there is an element of don’t feel quite the same about H after finding about old emotional affair and a bad porn habit but in reality I felt the same way before I knew either of these things. If I am honest I’ve never been that bothered beyond being about 35 and I’m 57 now. I’ve had 2 marriages and 1 four year live in relationship and I have felt the same in them all after first 2 years. I’m not gay I am sure of that, just never felt that sexual beyond a couple of years with anyone.

Op,

The doctor cannot just say he/she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong...your husband must ask to be tested.

My husband felt the same...no interest in sex. Would rather just cuddle. He recognised this as a problem though and INSISTED his GP carried out a testosterone test.

The GP was reluctant and even when the results came back, said they were on the low end of normal, so...

My husband researched his results and found that yes, they were on the low end of normal for a 80 year old man! He went back and demanded to see a specialist. He was referred and saw the endo, who said his T was far too low and would cause bone problems/ depression in a 37 year old man. He was immediately put on T gels and a few months later injections. The difference is amazing. Not just in the bedroom; but his mood etc

The doctor should not make a judgement on this without a test. Low testosterone can effect more than just sex drive, so suggest your dp goes back. It’s nothing to be ashamed of...if he has low T it’s a medical condition.

Other than this, is he overweight? Suffering from depression? Stressed? All these things can lower mood.

Saying ‘no more sex’ is unreasonable though and you cannot be expected to accept celibacy for the rest of your life, just because he wants to. You need to tell him how you feel. If he loves you, he will listen and work towards bettering things, one way or another.

Good luck.

I am in an almost sexless marriage because of DHs health issues. Almost because he can have sex, but it hurts and we are extremely limited to what positions etc.

We are both is our 30s. I know he gets frustrated at his lack of ability to satisfy me, and I do too. But, if it was for any other reason than a physical/health related one, I would have left by now. It is soul destroying. Sex is a natural human instinctive need. I need it. Maturbation can only get you so far.

I absolutely love my DH and we have had some testing times. The sex thing is awful, some days are worse than others. I am living with it, have made a conscious decision to accept this. His health issues could mean he could die and it is that thought that stays me. But there are days where I play with the idea of trying for a one night stand or even paying for it....

If you don't have those issues, and you can get what you want elsewhere, then maybe it's time to ask yourself how long you can realistically put up with this.

Thank you for your replies.
We still cuddle and hold hands occasionally, not everyday. We give each other a little kiss before I leave for work and then again when he gets home.

An open marriage wouldn't work for me. I would be jealous if he was sleeping with someone else and I can't stand the thought of another man touching me let alone having sex. I love my DH and I don't want anyone else which is why I feel that it must be something I have to accept and get on with the rest of our lives.

I don't suspect him of being gay or having an affair. When it all stopped I was a bit suspicious and thought he might be getting it elsewhere. Nothing else had changed in his behaviour or anything. I checked his phone randomly over a few weeks and there was nothing.

DBML that might be worth taking a closer look at. The doctor refused to test his levels. He just said that his lack of libido was due to tiredness and work stress. I won't get my hopes up too much though.

It's difficult because we work well together in every other way. You've definitely given me some food for thought.

Is it just piv sex that's he's not interested in? What about oral on you? Or toys? Or even just helping you to masterbate? Me and my partner went for 6 months with no piv sex, and believe me, I was still getting fulfilled! I think the lack of pressure on either of us to orgasm, and finding alternative means of pleasure, was amazing.

Is he or was he a heavy gym user? Steroids can cause problems with testosterone

sounds horrendous for you. I'm the opposite here but would love to find something to diminish my sex drive. In my 40s but still like a blimin younger version of myself. Still think its lovely to be intimate without having sex but boy do I miss it.

He's not interested in anything remotely sexual. No toys, oral, nothing. I don't think he masturbates either.

He doesn't go to the gym and has never taken steroids. He does a lot of walking and mountain biking to keep fit instead.

good heavens - such a low libido must be a hormonal change surely.
Considered counselling?
Having not had sex for 10yrs+ I know that masturbation alone is a poor substitute.