Am I wandering into being an OW?

[WhatWhyWhen]

I don’t agree with it for clarity! My marriage ended because he cheated.

Met a man online, he’s lovely and hot (as far as you can tell on text and calls), but we haven’t met yet as he’s quite far away. Separated 7 months. Really unlikely to be anything serious but it’s fun and while I want a relationship I’m happy to have fun meeting new people on the way

Anyway I got a photo the other day and he was wearing a ring . I obviously asked him why he hadn’t removed it and he fessed up they have split but right now due to ease he lives in the spare for the kids and finances. The photo was clearly the spare room.

Apparently he fought for the marriage for a year and half but she doesn’t want it, and it’s time for him to move on so they separated 7 months ago. The ring stops questions from other people (tiny village in a conservative country).

Now I’m not going to get feelings hurt as I’m not investing it would be a fling because I’m not being with someone so soon out of marriage I can’t imagine. So forget me. But I won’t hurt another woman if it’s bollocks.

I’ve seen lots of people on the threads here talking about how hard it is to date because their situation means they are living with the ex, so it could be true. But I’m not fucking some other woman over if it’s not. How the hell do I know?

The line about the ring stopping questions sounds like nonsense to me, although you say 'a conservative country' so I suppose this could be something cultural. However, on the whole it sounds iffy and I'd give it a swerve if I were you.

You don’t know do you and you might never know. And just because you think the photo is from the spare room means nothing. I definitely would not go there.

He didn’t try to hide the ring, I suppose. And yes, there are plenty of people stuck in domestic situations with exes (I was one of them for a while) so that’s feasible.

I’m wondering about the “conservative” thing. It’s possible that they won’t divorce and will just lead separate lives, discreetly. This is not rare, and if both parties agree it is fine, but do you want to be caught up in that? You could fall for him.

There is geographical distance involved too.

I’d be very wary.

My ex and I split up but lived together and not many people knew for about a year. We didn't tell the kids or family so kept up a bit of a pretense.

Ask him if his ex knows he's dating and tell him that you need to make sure he really has split.

Is he in a different country then? How would that even work? It sounds like he’s fishing. If you’ve got his name do some social media searching

Some couples sleep in separate bedrooms (snoring etc). That doesn't mean the relstionship is over.

The fact is that he lives with his wife and wears a wedding ring. He also states that he needs to conceal the separation from the wider community. 🤔

You're on notice now that there is an excellent chance his wife isn't aware that they're "separated". From this point forward, you would be an OW, were you to continue.

It’s Ireland just for clarity, the whole Catholic mammy thing, so only a short hop for me not a massive distance.

I’ve asked if she’s aware it’s done he hasn’t just checked out and will ask again and he’s said they’ve definitely split 7 months ago, but it’s been done for a while, a few family and friends know but not everyone hence the ring. You can tell in the world weary way he said it that he’s accepted he has to move on as she has a while back, so not his choice which makes me believe him. He’s been upfront about dating history (only started a couple of months ago). I semi lived with my ex for a while so I suppose I kind of get it. These things are never clear cut.

Probably a swerve one dammit!

I have a ring on my ring finger, it’s an engagement ring, I’m not married and I haven’t been engaged for almost three years, it’s just force of habit.

The ring wouldn’t bother me with explanation, neither would still living together. But any form of having to keep something quiet/a secret would be a huge no.

I was seeing a guy who said this - spare room, divorce issues, being there to help care for his son. It was bullshit I’m afraid, as I found out when I saw pictures of his newborn second child.

Tread carefully.

Any half decent actor can look "world weary".

Sigh.
Tired face.
Look pensively into distance. 🥺

Manipulators manipulate by manipulating. 🤷‍♀️

Not worth the hassle.

Pics that made me laugh unreasonably!

Sorry but you’d probably do better to swerve this one. All this and not meeting for 7 months suggests he’s looking for online flirting/confidence boosts, rather than a real relationship.

Why not just set a boundary... Say you’d be happy to continue this when he’s moved out of the marital home and got divorced. Until then, it’s all a bit complicated.

If he’s decent, he’ll totally get it.

Even if what he’s said is true, it’s still complicated. Why would you bother?

Jesus, it's Ireland ffs, not Iran or the US bible belt! . We have gay marraige and everyfing now you know! Divorce has been possible for years.

But we are incredibly good at being nosy gossips. If a couple of friends or family know EVERYONE would know. The next door neighbour's builder's cousin in Canada would know by now!

If he is moving on, how long is planning to keep up this pretence? Until the kids leave school? Have you searched his social media? Happy pictures of him and his wife would be a give away.

The fact he didn't tell you his circumstances immediately would be a huge red flag. He waited til you called him out before telling you. So yes, I think you're walking into ow territory here. Is it worth taking that risk?

If they really have split up, his mum will have to know sooner or later.

Even if you accept his reason for wearing his ring is genuine, this raises other red flags about how he is likely to approach life - burying his head in the sand rather than facing issues; not able to be honest with his mum ... not good.

But if he's not ready to take his ring off, then is he emotionally ready to move on?
If they're not ready to tell people, how would he explain a new partner/ fling/ whatever.

A fling is fine, but this seems unnecessarily complicated

Picsthat made me laugh unreasonably!

A sense of humour can get you through almost anything. 😉

By the way, my mother told me about the next door neighbour's builder's Canadian cousin's divorce. In detail. It was fascinating - NOT.

Honestly for me being separated is the same as being married. I wouldn’t want anything to do with a man until he was divorced.

Teddy I struggle with that as I’ve been separated 3 years and just got dumped by someone I liked as I’m “still married”.

Ex won’t sign the divorce and right now I can’t feasibly take the money from the kids to force it through court. He’s trapped me into eternal bloody singledom by refusing and not having the kids regularly!

Things brilliant!!

The things I know about people I don't know is mind boggling. And very very boring. Lol

I'm Irish, living in rural Ireland, and I can promise you separation and divorce are not big things anymore. As a country we voted for gay marriage a few years ago and recently voted to repeal the eighth amendment so that abortion can be provided here.

Times have changed and the catholic church doesn't have the stronghold it once had. I'd be dubious of his explanation

You haven't even met him so you cannot be attached to him, just the idea of ending singlehood.

Just tell him it's not what you're looking for. You want simplicity.

And don't answer his texts. His marriage may not be great, maybe he's a coward, skulking in the spare room until he has somewhere else to go, his wife might be glad to wave him off to you. but a braver more honest man would sort his newly separated life out in a better way. I think