How do you know if they're a good un?

[SausageSimon]

My general rule has mostly been if they like me then they're no good, my theory confirmed many times

I find it hard to distinguish between acceptable flaws and red flags. I want to be realistic, I know everyone is human and are bound to have bits I won't like about them, but how do you decide whether to leg it or keep going?

Just some late night thoughts after an old school friend got back in touch, I find men hard work as you can tell

What was the circumstances of this old school friend getting back in touch?

I knew my dh was a good'un when I met his friends and not one of them was a knobhead.

The company they keep is a very good indicator imho.

Watching with interest as I’m not sure either.

Are they in a relationship because most women I know who have had an old friend reconnect on social media it turns out they are after an affair.

• They don’t play mind games
• kind to you when you are ill
• treat everyone with respect
• make you laugh
• not secretive
• can look after themselves
• don’t take themselves too seriously
• do things you want to do
• no lovebombing

I’m sure i’ll think of more

One of the things that really attracted me to DP was that he was really content in himself & his life - obviously he was looking for a girlfriend but he did not ‘need’ one.

*They don’t play mind games

• kind to you when you are ill
• treat everyone with respect
• make you laugh
• not secretive
• can look after themselves
• don’t take themselves too seriously
• do things you want to do
• no lovebombing*

THIS. Also some more
-friends are nice, decent men
-have a good relationship with family

I feel the company men keep are a good indicator of what a man is like. Also if he has a good relationship with his family, I noticed many of these abusive men have had bad childhoods including my ex. Best to stay clear of them as they will bring issues to a relationship which you can't mend.

He's definitely not in a relationship, he was always nice at school but we didn't see much of eachother.

My brothers opinion was he seems alright from what he knows but he doesn't like his friends so that's one bad thing. That's the main thing making me unsure!

But on the plus side he has a really good relationship with his family, has worked his way up in a company from school and now started his own business.
He spends a lot of time with his parents and brothers who are both older and married. He adores his nieces which is sweet!

I think it's mostly just the friends thing that puts me off because like you say it says a lot about the company they keep, but he doesn't seem to see them often. I'll do some digging in that area maybe

He took me out last week and was a bit nervous which was kind of nice, very funny and got on well though! So I'm thinking just thinking to take it slowly and see what's what for now

They are a competent and non-aggressive driver
They are polite to serving staff

I find these two qualities weed out the majority of the bad ones.

Following

There's no way to tell immediately, you have to allow the person time to unfold, and keep yourself aware. Don't let a desperate heart or fanny-flutters over-ride any misgivings in the early days, because this is when a person is on their best behaviour, so things showing up early doors are bad news.

As time passes, look at how they cope with conflict - with you or anyone else. Do they rage? Do they do 'the silent treatment'? Or do they seek solution?

Are they able to apologise when they are wrong?

Do they consider your feelings and the feelings of others? How they treat other people says a lot.

Yes, no-one is perfect, but if someone does something that shows they do not align with your core values, then it's something to not ignore.

A person who goes through life, being kind and treating people with kindness, is a keeper.

Yes there are many other things to consider as well, but kindness is a top priority for me.

I think lovebombing is definitely the first (and most quick to be noticed) red flag. Twice now it has happened to me and I got swept away before I even realised it. Other things are:

• talking about themselves and not showing enough interest in you
• tight with money
• slags off ex or family

I've just ended things with someone who was a narcissist. He love bombed, had sob stories about his ex and abusive mother, didn't seem to like any of this family, talked about himself a lot and many many more things. My gut knew something was wrong and it was so thankfully I ended it after 10 weeks (he didn't take it well).

Like you, I now worry that I see every single little thing as a red flag instead of accepting no-one is perfect. I think we just have to be aware of big red flags (as noted in other replies) and just try to use our gut.

I wish I had the perfect answer though,.

Just an extra note. Someone being polite to waiting staff etc means nothing. My recent ex was a narcissist but a VERY polite one!

Yep I’d second crappyday there.
Some of the baddest bastards are super nice to everyone. Gradually they become super super extra nice to everyone EXCEPT YOU, which makes you feel you are quite mad!

Tried and true... How does he treat his mother?

Rude to serving staff is a bad sign - also if they are absolutely lovely to serving staff (so they'll thinks he's amazeballs) but a bit snippy and snide to you. Run! Once he really begins to abuse you, no one will believe you, he'll tell everyone you're horrid and they'll believe him. Cos he's amazeballs. Those ones are awful.

Also, pretends to be a big Mummas boy (love, love, love his Mum and family) but actually does anything he can to stay away and not talk to them. Extra points for using you to babysit his female relatives on visits whilst he chats important man-talks with only the menfolk.

It's all about kindness. That's what you look for. Simple as that really. My DH wasn't perfect. But he was kind to his very bones.

My DPs are both still around and when I look at how they treat each other it's really obvious why they've been happily married for 60 years.

And I think TheKrakening3 offers good advice. How someone treats shop staff, waiters etc tells you a great deal.

I feel a bit conflicted really because he definitely loves his family, I haven't seen him with them but he loves spending time with them.

He was nice to the waiting staff when we went out and had a laugh at his own expense when he kept bumping into things and people

Another good thing he doesn't say nasty things about his ex, the only negative thing he said was that things changed and they started arguing. But he's good to her. They were together 10 years which is a good sign I think? They have a son and he sees him most days which is nice

The negatives are his friends (or maybe old friends now) and he admitted he was gambling a lot soon after we left school and ended up needing counselling. I'm glad he told me and I respect his honesty, because my brother has had the same issue and refuses to admit it. I think this is the only thing that's made me stop and think I need to be careful here

Mine was far too clever to say anything nasty about his ex. The vindictiveness towards women in general emerged later.

Don't believe the superficial, the short lived and what you hear. Believe what you see on a long term and consistent basis.

The issue is someone could be kind, nice etc and tick all the boxes, but they could ultimately do something wrong.

I do think we sometimes limit ourselves too much by insisting on x y z (certain things of course should always be ticked), it’s the issue that sometimes you do need to make yourself a bit vulnerable to find someone.

Being kind is very important, as is admitting flaws (as everyone has them), but the at the end of the day the only thing that will reveal someones true character is time.

There are a tonne of things to look for but I think they can all be covered by the question, what are they like when you get a cold?

Are you ignored? Do they all of a sudden develop a worse illness? Do they sulk that you can't keep up or aren't very interesting to be around or worse, that you don't fancy a quickie? Do they huff and sigh around you? Or do they ask after you and offer you cups of tea?

I can think of two 'moments'.

With Man A it was when we were studying in a group abroad and there was one younger student from a poor country who didn't speak much English. 'A' discovered it was the guy's birthday so he built him a cake out of weird corner shop sponge cake, Nutella, tinned peaches and cream in a can. I watched him deep in concentration constructing this thing and thought: 'Yep'.

With Man B we were off to a running club after party and one of the new guys hadn't paced himself and was legless. Nobody was taking any notice but I saw B gently but firmly put the guy's jacket on him and pour him into a cab home.

Neither of them lasted, but they were definitely good ones

You never know thpugh. Honestly you never do.

That list upthread my ex was all that. In fact he was better than that list. Always did nice things for me, cared for me when I was ill. Never imposed his will.

He still shagged another woman behind my back for months because he didn't feel I listened to him (in hindsight this is true) and his concerns about our lack of sex and intimacy. But he didnt split up with me because he loved me and couldn't risk me meeting anyone else.

So you never know.