How do you know if they're a good un?

[SausageSimon]

My general rule has mostly been if they like me then they're no good, my theory confirmed many times

I find it hard to distinguish between acceptable flaws and red flags. I want to be realistic, I know everyone is human and are bound to have bits I won't like about them, but how do you decide whether to leg it or keep going?

Just some late night thoughts after an old school friend got back in touch, I find men hard work as you can tell

Is respectful to you.
Puts your needs first sometimes
Always thinks of you and makes little gestures that make you feel special
When no one he knows has a bad word to say about him
Will listen to you and act/change something if necessary
Can apologise and admit he was wrong
Will bring up any issues in a calm and constructive way for a discussion
Absolutely adores you and considers himself lucky to have you
I have also discovered I like the gentlemanly things like taking your coat, pulling your chair out, holding doors, carrying the bags etc. That definitely gets points with me now.

I think time and sustained contact in a broad variety of situations and circumstances is the only guide here.

I’m dating two guys at the moment (not cheating - in the first stages of online dating 🤓) and thus far they SEEM nice and I’m happy enough, but I don’t know them from Adam really. So I’ll have to wait and see.

I think often there’s too much pressure to assign labels and “I’ve found one of the good ones here is proof HOORAY “ stories to a new man.

When actually it can be healthiest to date privately, not go for any intense or “too good to be true” interactions straight off.

then if you’re not compatible you can discreetly close things with no drama.

Also being mindful about where you yourself are emotionally are helpful. Relationships don’t happen in an emotional and social vacuum.

If you’re quite emotionally and socially content and have decent kind friends who are also content and moving forward in life , you become more tuned in to decent men I believe?

I don’t mean you need to be completely happy with loads of external successes, just having vaguely addressed personal insecurities and issues and feeling you’re vaguely the kind of person you want to be.

If all your “friends” are weirdos without your best interests at heart and you’re always feeling lonely and still trying to get the approval of your narcissistic mother, it’s easy to overlook red flags and see every new man as an emotional rescuer.

Also I’d learn to listen to your gut instinct and feelings - if you’re not happy with a situation then it doesn’t matter if AIBU or your mum or your neighbour say you should be, you can just detach and block ASAP?

I’m a big mumsnet fan but I think often you get other women (me included) chiming in with our own experiences and prejudices and all you need to really know is if a situation is working for you?

Kindness is absolutely all you have to worry about. And basically ignore what they say: it’s just about what they do.

My DH isn’t one for big declarations of love or romantic gestures, but he’ll scrape the ice off my car for me and warm it up, rub my feet when they are achy and make me regular brews without my asking. He’s basically just nice to me all the time.

I knew my DH was a good un’ when after a month of dating (this is 11 years ago) I drunkenly threw myself at him and offered it up on a plate (he was 19 at the time). He politely turned me down and put me to bed while I repeatedly exclaimed that he must be gay! He slept on the floor next to my bed all night to make sure I wasn’t sick. Woke up completely ashamed and he made me breakfast! I asked why he didn’t have sex with me and he said ‘you were drunk, it wouldn’t have been right’!

Still die inside when I think of that but knew I’d snagged a goodie!

Well I found out the answer already, he was supposed to come round Friday night but messaged saying his son was stopping over cause his ex had a night shift, not a problem.

He asked if I was free over the weekend so we arranged for last night, I went to message him back and it said he'd been offline for 4 hours which I thought was odd. So I replied to him anyway and I didn't hear from him all night.

Woke up to a message saying "my phones been off all day I'll come to see you tomorrow night"

Nope, you will not.

@SausageSimon chuck him in the bin!

Ohhhhhh OP! well done! he's a cheeky fucker, ain't he?

My life is getting seriously depressing haha, I'm always suspicious when a man likes me and this sort of thing is why!

I haven't bothered replying for now

Oh another Twat!

At least you found out early and didn’t waste any more time on him.
Keep going, there are good ones out there.

Sadly I would say a bad childhood would be something to watch out for. Both ex's who were abusive had bad childhoods. One ended up in a behavioural boarding school and the other witnessed domestic abuse and drugs. One had terrible road rage.

Another thing I would watch out for is someone who is extremely critical can show someone who is controlling.

I think you should reply with your

Nope, you will not

Perfect!

@AlphaJura it's scary how many ex's your post just reminded me of, absolutely spot on!

@MarianaMoatedGrange I just sent it

Oh no he's online, help

Haha! that'll shock the arrogance out of him!

I bet he won’t know how to respond to that

I ate the brownie I'd saved for him, it didn't taste as good as usual because I wasn't in the mood but it was worth it

When I met my now-husband after a crap marriage were I was never his priority the things that made me realise he was a good person were -

Kindness.
He payed attention to me and remembered what I liked.
Openness.
Similar values and interests.
He loved his family but wasn't welded to them.
He was funny, and not in a unkind way.
People liked him, he was seen by the older women I worked with as a 'nice young man', they were right.

And basically ignore what they say: it’s just about what they do.

^^ this. A million times over.

Actions will tell you everything you need to know about a man.

I've just ended a relationship with somebody that most people would term 'a good un'
But that doesn't mean they're right for you

"kindness" wouldn't mean a guy who just does whatever you want. You'd still want someone who stood up for themselves if necessary, but did so respectfully and without being mean. Also there can be a fine line between being overly tight with money and being frugal. If someone tends towards frugality while you enjoy being more spendthrift, it means you're incompatible, nothing more.

OP I just wouldn't reply to him at all. I always think silence is the best revenge. It show both that you won't be messed around and also that you really couldn't care less (even if you actually do).
He's treating you as an afterthought so treat him as no thought at all.

"And basically ignore what they say: it’s just about what they do.

this. A million times over.

Actions will tell you everything you need to know about a man."

Yes! My DP says this to me "it's not the things I say, it's about the things I do" and he's dead right. He wanted to buy me a scrapbook because I'd said I like keeping things. He went to Hobbycraft and took 45 minutes agonising over the right one to get.

@Disfordarkchocolate oh yes, you reminded me. I listed some traits of ones that weren't right but when I finally met my current partner, apart from he wasn't any of the things the abusive ones were, the thing that really stuck out is both sides of my family really liked him from the word go. I don't know how they could tell! With the others, they were polite, but never enthusiastic. They all absolutely adore my dp in a way they never did with any of the others