Problems with...everything it seems

[Elmer83]

Don’t really know where to begin but I will try. DH and I together for 17...I’m 37. Two children 8 &5. We’ve always had a good relationship but both can be hot tempered. For the last three years we’ve been drifting apart in the sense of lack of communication. In the last 6 months this has got worse. Sex is always (90% of the time at least) initiated by me. I have started to feel when we have sex his mind is somewhere else. Whenever I try to talk recently it always ends in him talking (shouting) over me and finally shouting “Just fuck off”.
So tonight I asked if we could talk without all the above. It started quite well...but the focus was all on his feelings. He said he feels down, stressed and just wants to be left alone. I feel the same but want to be reassured constantly. I know I can be needy in terms of needing affection but that’s because of the distance between us and I need to feel loved still. He says he loves me but says it in an angry way. When I tried to tell him my feelings he got angry and dismissed them.
I’m just starting to feel an annoyance to him. I’ve decided to back off and give him his space (ie: let him watch tv in another room without me there). I just don’t know how to get past this awful time in our marriage. Has anyone any advice or been through similar. I’d be so grateful to hear from you x

You need to seek outside help. And from experience I’d say seek it soon before it gets beyond repair. Good luck

Thanks - I’d do that in a heartbeat but not sure he would. God writing that down makes me realise he doesn’t give a shit. 😞

I’m really sorry Elmer83, I’ve been there, it’s hard

It really is. I don’t recognise myself at the moment. I was so fun and outgoing but now I feel like an insecure miserable hag. Do you mind me asking how you got through it? Did you resolve your relationship or did it end? Sorry for the questions and completely understand if you’d rather not talk about xx

It ended unfortunately, after 21 years....he just didn’t want to try anymore.

You are miserable and you can’t carry on like this. You need to ask him to properly work on the relationship or think of moving on. It’s not fair to live in limbo and I did that far too long

Have you read that old book about men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Pretty much explains it.
At difficult times, men want to sit in their man cave alone and try and find a solution to their problems. That solution is their goal as a man.

At difficult times Women like someone to sympathise or empathise with them whether or not it solves their problem, they just want recognition that they aren’t alone in thinking something’s crap or whatever.

Men don’t understand that’s what women need and presume women need solutions to problems the same as men and get annoyed as they can’t fix the women’s problems as that must mean they are failing in their manly quest to solve problems.

But in actual fact all the women want is to hear the man say something sympathetic like “I’m sorry you had such a crap day at work, that sucks” and listen to venting.
Instead they think the woman is mumping at them and looking for answers they can’t provide so they get annoyed and frustrated as they aren’t man enough to solve the problem. And just want the problem to go away and leave them alone.

Meanwhile that ain’t at all what the woman’s thinking. She just wants a quick chat but ends up being snapped at.

I think that’s the gist but it’s been a while since I read it, as in years! Feel free anyone to describe the basics more accurately.

Sorry to hear that but you are 100% right living in limbo is not a happy way to live. I hope you’ve found some happiness after your heartbreak. Thank you for your advice. I will ask if he’s up to the idea of counselling tomorrow. If he says no, then I think I know where that leaves me. Just got to be strong enough to walk away :-(

Wow - that’s a great explanation Elieza. I’ve heard of the book but never read it. I’ll be going straight into amazon to do so. Thank you! Xx

How much time do you spend:

1. doing something just for yourself, by yourself?
2. doing something as a couple, away from children/screens/etc?

It's really easy to not do either of those things but both are vital to being a happily married person.

Some times I can't even remember when I last looked at my husband properly, let alone listened to what he said. Parental life is very busy and can be all-consuming, you need to remember that you're human beings too and that's presumably the way each of you when you started your relationship too.

KellyHall we have always had date nights and nights away. In fact we recently had a child free weekend abroad without the kids but it wasn’t argument free unfortunately. I agree with you though and most evenings he wants to sit in silence whilst he watches a film. Pisses me off that we can’t sit and chat once the kids are in bed sometimes. Sometimes I think it’s my insecurities of not “ feeling” loved that is actually destroying us but I can’t help the way I feel. So hard when all I want is that feeling of being adored. He used to be so attentive towards me it’s kills me that we’re now in this situation.

Hi @Elmer83,

Sorry to hear about your problems. Another great book I would highly recommend is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

The book recognises that people need different things to feel loved. I took the test and realised I need words of affirmation yo feel loved. Which means I need him to tell me he loves me. I learned that your love language is also how you show love. My ex was acts of service. So he would give me a massage or make me a drink to show me he loved me and wanted me to do the same for him! So, me telling him I loved him didn’t resonate with him. Here’s the link: www.5lovelanguages.com/

Good luck

Is there another woman?

If he's pulling away and not receptive towards you, I'd be wondering if there's someone else on the scene.

I mean, no offence to pp, but it seems bloody unlikely to me that after 17 years of the relationship, op is only just discovering incompatible communication styles. More likely something has changed, and that's often the head being turned.

Thanks Todayisontheup - for the link. I will take a careful read of it. Sounds like it could be useful. 😚

Yes category12 this is something that has been crossing my mind of late. I’ve asked and he denies it. To be honest I can’t see how he’d have the time but then again... 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ah my relationship was like this after 13years but lots worse (add in dating sites and drugs I found out about)
I’d beg him to talk, cry a lot, he refused to discuss anything. Then I found out about what he was getting up to.
He wouldn’t promise to not do any of that again but wanted counselling. I said no because I’d spent a year asking for answers, trying to work on it and he wouldn’t promise to change it even if I agreed to counselling.
I asked him to leave, he still couldn’t give me any answers but is happy to slag me off and give reasons to everyone else.
It depends on if he’s willing to work on things and what you both want!
If he’s checked out there’s not much you can do but it doesn’t sound like you’re completely at the point of no return yet

Focus on yourself and your own life- do you work, have friends and interests of your own? Would counselling just for you to help you gain confidence and a sense of perspective? You can only change yourself.

Why sit around waiting for attention from your zoned out, checked out knob of a husband? Develop your own life OP, because it and you are important!

You'd be surprised how opportunistic people can be.

@GinNotGym19 That’s the thing he said he wants to make it work but has checked out and seems to making no effort to make work 😧 I do work - 2 days in the city and 1 day from home. He is the one who earns the most and pays for the mortgage and majority of bills. Again, this makes me feel vulnerable if I have to walk away. I’ve friends but I don’t want to discuss this with them. My sister is my bestest friend and I’m considering popping round for a cuppa today and telling her what’s going on. Hobbies wise I have none. He goes to the gym everyday in the week and ensures he looks after himself. He’s 40 and still has a six pack! I feel like I need to make time for myself and think this will help my confidence but my motivation is zero right now. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope to be as strong as you sooner rather than later!

@joystir59 sorry I answered your questions in the above post 🤦🏼‍♀️

@category12 I can imagine to be honest. I’m very worried that this could happen...if not already. It’s causing me so much anxiety.

My husband ‘checked out’ too about a year before telling me he was leaving. I think you either need to
A. Have the serious conversation now
B. Accept this might happen and spend some time preparing so look at your work, income etc

@Littlefluffyclouds Thank you. Can i ask, did his “checking out” appear from no where and did he leave for another woman? I’m wondering if my husband is depressed or having a midlife crisis, affair, or just no longer loves me. Hope you’ve managed to move on and feel good about yourself x

I work part time it’s been doable I get universal credit and he pays maintenance. It is really hard to walk away but even though it’s horrible and my ex has been really nasty I am happier. People say I’m a lot more relaxed now and my whole persona has changed I’m not as anxious or needy with other people. When you said you feel like a miserable hag i completely get how you feel. The limbo of not knowing where you stand is worse than the breakup
Not that I’m suggesting to break up but if you get to that stage there is light on the other side