Problems with...everything it seems

[Elmer83]

Don’t really know where to begin but I will try. DH and I together for 17...I’m 37. Two children 8 &5. We’ve always had a good relationship but both can be hot tempered. For the last three years we’ve been drifting apart in the sense of lack of communication. In the last 6 months this has got worse. Sex is always (90% of the time at least) initiated by me. I have started to feel when we have sex his mind is somewhere else. Whenever I try to talk recently it always ends in him talking (shouting) over me and finally shouting “Just fuck off”.
So tonight I asked if we could talk without all the above. It started quite well...but the focus was all on his feelings. He said he feels down, stressed and just wants to be left alone. I feel the same but want to be reassured constantly. I know I can be needy in terms of needing affection but that’s because of the distance between us and I need to feel loved still. He says he loves me but says it in an angry way. When I tried to tell him my feelings he got angry and dismissed them.
I’m just starting to feel an annoyance to him. I’ve decided to back off and give him his space (ie: let him watch tv in another room without me there). I just don’t know how to get past this awful time in our marriage. Has anyone any advice or been through similar. I’d be so grateful to hear from you x

@Littlefluffycloudos sorry I spelt your username wrong! Please see above 🤦🏼‍♀️

But also definitely speak to your friends and sister. It’s easy to second guess yourself and feel like it’s all in your head. You can’t do these things on your own it gets too much!

Feel for you. We’ve struggled since my awful first pregnancy. DS1 is almost 4. I don’t think he ever forgave me for how it affected me and how my low mood m his first experience of fatherhood. It’s not excusing him and I think he needs help as much as I did. We’ve just thrown in the incendiary bomb of a second baby so genuinely have no time for each other and literally every day is a fight now over something stupid.

Is there anything you can both do to get some alone time with a hobby? Start something new together? Bring you back to each other with a shared interest? You mention popping to sisters for cuppa so could she take the kids and you try something totally new as a couple?

Doesn’t excuse behaviour but you seem to want it to work out!

@GinNotGym thank you so much for your advice. I will talk with my sister. You are right and it’s nice to hear from someone the “other side” of this hell. Thank you xx

@BibbleBrain Thanks for responding. Yes that would be a lovely idea to try something new together - however he seems sooooo “checked out” he probably wouldn’t want to bother but I will try to suggest it. I suppose the more “No’s” I get the more it makes me realise it may not work out. Xx

If you come to him with solutions to the problem ('let's try...taking up a hobby together, counselling' etc) and he turns them all down or gives you the 'yes, but...' treatment, then you will know for certain, won't you?

And you will know that you've done everything you could to repair your relationship and that it wasn't your fault. Also, tell everyone that's what you are aiming to do -sister, friends etc. That way, if it all goes south and he tries to turn it round and spread the word that you weren't interested in saving things, that you gave up on him etc...they will all know what complete bollocks that is. And will, hopefully, tell him so.

No there wasn’t anyone else he just fell out of love, it wasn’t totally out of the blue but i didn’t think we’d split with a young child.

It could be any of the things you mention but if he’s not willing to tell you then it doesn’t much matter. He either wants to work on the relationship or leave.

And we used to do date nights, weekends away. Always got on well together. Not a lot of arguing

Sorry you are going through this. I have been through the same. When my youngest was about 18 months, things just went stale no matter what I tried. He didn't want to even acknowledge me. I know money was tight but his job made it difficult for me to work as he often stayed away.
Things didn't improve until I found he had been sexting a 19 year old, half his age. I saw photos and all. A friend told me about a month before that she saw him being very flirty with a girl at work. I asked him about it outright and he denied it. He couldn't deny it after I found the photos. He begged forgiveness but he made no effort to rectify things. The only time he gave me attention after that was if he wanted something.

Have you asked your husband why he is feeling down? I would ask if he would try counselling. Perhaps give him an ultimatum that he does it or goes as if he isn't willing to try it, his family isn't important enough to him.

Thanks all for your advice. Really bizarrely he just (10mins ago) came over and hugged me and said he wants to have a nice day with me. I asked if he really wants to be with me and he kissed me and said Yes. I instantly felt relief but I’m still not convinced. Will try to put all of your advice that you’ve all given me in place as I’m fully aware this might not work. Thanks all for listening xx

@chansondematin thanks. Yes I will be aware. A quick cuddle and nice words for 2 minutes isn’t going to make me think all ok. I’ve been to speak with my sister and I’m feeling stronger already! Xx

Really glad you've spoken to your sister, it can be so isolating when things aren't good at home but it's exactly the time we need someone to talk to. I agree with PP's about focusing on yourself and building up your independence, it will serve you well if things go south or it might be the shake up DH needs to realise what he could lose. Either way it's better for you and puts you in a stronger position.

OP, I’ve been where you are. Tried counselling together, setting time aside for talking, I even worked really hard to getting a hobby together (running). God, it annoys me just thinking about it, all the effort I put in. All to no avail. I couldn’t see it then, but it was an abusive realtionship and the fuckwit took his kicks out of controlling me with his moods.
The next step I took was to detach and build my own life and circle of friends, separate from him. He tried very hard to stop me.
I wish I’d left ages before. I’ve wasted years.
My suggestion is to put the cards on the table: he’s playing or he’s out.

@Hidingtonothing thank you. I definitely need to do this as he’s gone all moody again since this mornings niceness.

@SeaSidePebbles You sound like you know what you’re talking about too. It’s mentally draining me and I think I need to do exactly what you’ve said and start building myself up before he brings me down completely. Still feel weird admitting and facing the truth but I’ve got to face it. Xx

How are you doing this evening @Elmer83

@Littlefluffycloudos Ok...I think. He’s making me very confused but I’m opening up to the chance it may work and it may not. If that makes sense. Last night I felt desperate but today I feel stronger...thanks to you lovely ladies and my sister. Thank you 😊 xxx

You are strong - you've got a job, an ignorant husband, a home and a job and while you could be giving up, you're searching for solutions!

If you have no hobbies, get some. Whether you stay together or split up, it's clear yoy need to do things for yourself to make yourself feel good. Whilst this should be all about you, it's also true to say it's funny how husbands tend to notice vibrant, active wives they found it so easy to previously ignore.