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Original poster

At What Age Do You Leave DCs overnight (if at all?)

28 replies

scotgal2017 · 16/08/2019 16:31

I have 2 DCs, DD just turned 16 and DS will be 13 next month. I have been separated for just over 2 years but have been seeing a guy for around 3 months (without DCs knowledge) and it looks like it it heading in the right direction for a relationship. I have posted before but for quick background STBXH was abusive/controlling, he left 2 years ago and OW surfaced not long after.

Due to nature of STBXH work, he has them for a block period (2-3 weeks generally) and this is mainly when I have been seeing my potential partner. Potential partner has his own DC, his DD is 17, DS 11 and other DS 8. When we first started dating, first met for drinks for first date, then met for coffee dates. When my kids went away 3 weeks ago, his DCs were at their mum's and I stayed over at his for the night. Last weekend (as my DCs are still away), he came here for the night. My Dcs are due back today and it got me thinking, I don't want to introduce or have DCs meet potential partner yet as it' only been 3 months, but does it have to be that I can't stay the night at his when they are with me? But then I would have to tell them I have a boyfriend and it would get messy???

He lives about an hour and a half away from me. My DD is quite sensible but what do others do if in this situation? Do you leave your older DCs overnight or never? Or older than 16? Or do you just accept that you see each other sporadically? I'm new to this as was in relationship/married for 20 years since I was 17 with STBXH so have never really dated and dating is different now than it was 22+ years ago and no kids! TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
scotgal2017 · 16/08/2019 16:33

Forgot to add I haven't met his DCs either, i think he has told his DD about me though, but I know it's not wise for either set of Dcs to meet the potential partner of their parent after just 3 months!

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 16/08/2019 16:35

Do you have family or neighbors close by who could stay over with them? What would you 16 year old do if she or her 13 year old brother had an accident and you were an hour and a half away?

CIareIsland · 16/08/2019 16:37

Or could they stay overnight with family or friends?

Potplant · 16/08/2019 16:38

I have DTs who are 15 and I wouldn't leave the, overnight. Mine would mention mention it to their father who would cause me all kinds of grief so that's a big factor. I have been accused., probably rightly, of mollycoddling a bit, so I'm probably out of step.

CIareIsland · 16/08/2019 16:39

Where would you tell your children you were?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 16/08/2019 16:41

I wouldn't leave a 16 year old overnight with a 13yo. An hour and a half is also quite far away should you be needed. 18 and 15, yes.

Btw my DSCs mum spends weekends with her DP - although they are easily old enough to be left they still see it as their mum preferring her DP over them.

Original poster
scotgal2017 · 16/08/2019 16:41

My brother, SIL and niece live at the other end of the small village I live in. No neighbours that i know or friends close by. My DF lives 40 minutes away. DD16 is quite sensible, knows who to contact in an emergency etc.

OP posts:
Takemebacktolondon · 16/08/2019 16:44

I think your youngest at 12/13 is too young.

Widowodiw · 16/08/2019 16:44

No, you don’t leave a 13 year old so you can stay over at your partners.

Original poster
scotgal2017 · 16/08/2019 16:45

@potplant, yeah that's another reason I haven't said anything, it's possible STBXH would not like me having moved on and Dcs would tell him! He doesn;t want me but no-one else can have me most likely and he might make life difficult!

@MyCatHatesEverybody yeah DD has only just turned 16, I was just pondering but I think I would be worrying if I left them for the whole night and so would defeat the point!

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 16/08/2019 16:46

You can’t leave a 13 year old overnight.

DD is very sensible and is 15.5 and I wouldn’t leave her overnight.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/08/2019 16:47

I’d book a sitter, under 18 I wouldn’t leave them alone for the night. An emergency at that age maybe but not to spend the night with a bf.

ladygracie · 16/08/2019 16:48

I leave mine now - they are 19 & 15 but I won’t leave the 15 year old alone for a while. I have been leaving them for over a year but the older one is super sensible.

Original poster
scotgal2017 · 16/08/2019 16:49

Thanks for all your input, as I say was just wondering what was the experiences/thoughts of others.

Smile
OP posts:
Teedeepie · 16/08/2019 16:55

I think the 13 year old is too young. I have a very mature just turned 17 year old son and a 13 year old daughter who can be challenging. I would not want to put my son in a position of having the responsibility of my rather lovely but sometimes silly teenage daughter. Nothing to say you couldn’t introduce going out for a few hours in the evening (but returning) as the younger one gets a little older and gradually see how they get on.

fandabbyfannyflutters · 16/08/2019 16:56

I can't believe someone would consider leaving a kid on their own all night so they can have sex with their partner of three months. Sick of these parents who put their relationships before the safety of their children

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2019 17:12

You accept that for now it can only be sporadic contact with your partner.
You can't really leave a 13 and 16 YO on their own if you are an hour and a half away.
Are you sure this is heading in the right directly?
How will it work in the future being so far apart?
Where you both live?
How long would you wait to do that?
Really think long and hard about this and how workable a future you would have with this man.

howdyalikemenow · 16/08/2019 19:04

I would only leave my 17 y/o overnight if my other two (14, and 11) are away on sleepovers but also my dp only lives 10 mins away from me. From your point of view It's not the overnight for the two of them so much as the distance if there was actually some kind of emergency. But only you know your kids op. It's tricky for sure

ConfCall · 16/08/2019 19:44

I’d give it another year I think, given the distance.

You’re not being irresponsible by asking.

Mammyloveswine · 16/08/2019 19:45

I'd leave mine once a week if their grandparents were the type to want them!

10 months was when I first left them as I was breastfeeding. Have only left them a couple of times!

Mammyloveswine · 16/08/2019 19:47

Oh god sorry just read your OP (terrifible I just read the title!!),
Ignore my last post Op!

Fidgety31 · 16/08/2019 20:54

I used to babysit other kids when I was 13 so for me it wouldn’t be an issue to leave 13 and 16 year old overnight .
I know most disagree but that’s my view .

MingeOnFire · 17/08/2019 07:30

Wouldn't be an issue for me to leave them over night at that age as long as they were sensible, got on and the older one was happy. I left mine at 16 and 11 when I occasionally had to do a night shift. I know that's a bit different as I was awake and local in case of problems

KnobJockey · 17/08/2019 07:40

The 16 year old yes, the 13 no.

I would be thinking about whether to introduce them, so you could have a date somewhere close to you when they're home- no issue for leaving them for a good few hours. I know people like you to wait for 6 months- a year before introducing, but I personally think that you should plan it by its own merit. This isn't a pair of 4 year olds who you are introducing a new father figure to, these are teens and young adults who this guy will probably never live with in that role.

flamingpink · 17/08/2019 08:23

I wouldn’t leave a 13 year old with a 16 year old overnight. Why can’t you introduce them? It doesn’t have to be messy. They aren’t toddlers. They’re older kids and can understand these things.