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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Narcissist mum?

32 replies

Scandimumof3 · 16/08/2019 13:47

Is (or was) your mum a narcissist? I’d love to hear of your experience as I’m trying to figure out what exactly is going on with my own mum. Just a few things about her:

  • never told me she loved me or showed affection (would not show my father affection either. I remember seeing him give her an affectionate pat on the back every so often and she’s often turn away)
  • always has to be right
  • hold grudges for EVER
  • constantly pointing out my faults/ less attractive body parts (frizzy hair, small boobs, big bum)
  • racist
  • loves gossiping about other people and their faults
  • has never, ever been at fault
  • if you criticise her you are ignored, belittled, and not spoken to for months.

Once I had a boyfriend with the wrong colour skin. When she found out she didn’t speak to me for 5 months (I live in a different country to her).

When I was little she read my diary behind my back, found that I had a crush on a boy in my class and paraded the diary around making fun of me in front of everyone.

She has now decided to leave my father who is aged 74 and very ill. She says she ‘can’t take it anymore’ and he’s done something unforgivable but she can’t tell me what it is. My suspicion is that she can’t tell me because it would mean admitting that she has a part to play in all of it herself. He’s now very upset and has plunged into depression, and she seems very cold about it. She’s also angry with me for empathising with him (I haven’t taken sides but I asked her to be kind to him since she has decided to leave him, he doesn’t need further punishment). His tears seem to anger her more than anything, I suspect she sees weakness as a very unattractive trait in a man. He’s incredibly kind (yes he has his faults but always, always did everything for her, or with her in mind).

He’s now facing a move (from abroad) to live with me in the UK which must be terrifying at his age. Last night she was shaking her head at his tears, then said ‘ooh and me and my sister have decided to come and visit you in London! We can camp out on your floor!’ As if he’ll welcome her with open arms into his new home?! Of course there are grandchildren involved so I can see why she’d want to visit but to me this comment shows a total lack of empathy.

I’m trying to work out whether I’m actually dealing with a narcissist mum here or if I’m going completely mad?

OP posts:
75Renarde · 16/08/2019 13:55

Textbook.

What a witch to do that to your poor father

75Renarde · 16/08/2019 13:56

I have a Patrinarc btw

MrsMozartMkII · 16/08/2019 13:57

She's someone to step away.from.

Sorry about your dad's health.

Original poster
Scandimumof3 · 16/08/2019 14:00

Seeing it typed out like this does make me wonder how I’ve not noticed before?! I may have actually googled narcissism in the past but I guess seeing her 3-4 times a year it hasn’t been so obvious. I’m not sure how I can learn to respect her decision to leave him at this age. But then again, hopefullybhea better off with me and the grandchildren where he’s appreciated for who he is. It’s just such a huge upheaval for us all.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 16/08/2019 14:07

My money is on when she's milked enough pain and suffering from him, she Hoover him again.

He will have suffered at this womans' hands all of their marriage. At 76, he will struggle to withstand the Hoover.

So my advice is just watch this one for now. Be there for your Dad and ignore your Matrinarc.

Original poster
Scandimumof3 · 16/08/2019 14:11

She’s the youngest of 6 and I’d say her own mum was probably always quite cold, too. She’s fallen out with ALL of her siblings apart from one who is absolutely lovely and a total doormat. She doesn’t really have a lot of real friends despite being very sociable.

Any tips on how to deal with this type of personality? I can’t cut off her contact with the grandkids x

OP posts:
Original poster
Scandimumof3 · 16/08/2019 14:12

What’s Hoovering?

OP posts:
75Renarde · 16/08/2019 14:12

Yup you can cut her off. She's a Narc who has abused you and your Dad. I'm sorry. I know this us hard Flowers

75Renarde · 16/08/2019 14:13

It's a manipulation designed to reel you back in.

Original poster
Scandimumof3 · 16/08/2019 14:34

I see. I don’t know if she will. I suspect he’s of no interest to her anymore, as he’s simply too old and frail. Although, I suppose financially he could still be of some use. She’s told everyone she’s leaving though. She even called his son (my half brother) and told him she was leaving because she’d ‘had enough of him’. I though this was odd (shouldn’t that be his job to tell his son) but I suppose it’s her chance to get her version of events across, knowing that he’s far too closed (or classy) to ever say anything about the reasons why.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 16/08/2019 14:51

Are they roughly the same age? Has she got independent finances?

Original poster
Scandimumof3 · 16/08/2019 15:04

No he’s 8 years older (also lots of health issues which means he’s old for his age). Finances were all shared but now they’re splitting their assets down the middle. She retired a few years ago. I think finances may be a bit tight for her in terms of living off her pension but she’s ending up with a lot of money in the bank which he’s really worried that she will fritter away without considering her future.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 16/08/2019 15:09

Ahh then you may be right that its permanent.

Your poor DH! He has you though!

Original poster
Scandimumof3 · 16/08/2019 15:14

I hope so, I need to get him away from her. She seems to think it’s brilliant he’s coming to live with me but is completely oblivious to the upheaval this means for my own little family and the reality of taking care of a rapidly ageing parent. It’s as if it hasn’t even registered with her!

OP posts:
75Renarde · 16/08/2019 15:21

Indeed. Total absence of empathy!

Original poster
Scandimumof3 · 16/08/2019 15:43

Come to think of it she turned my wedding into an event all about her. When I appeared in my wedding dress she didn’t even bat an eyelid! I’m the run-up to it there was no end to the stress about her outfit. She never even asked about mine.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 16/08/2019 15:46

And now I'm worried for you.

It's a great shock to realise a parent we love has NPD. Its horrific. When I tumbled to what PN was, part, a huge part of my childhood died. I have c-PTSD from what he did to me.

IrisAtwood · 16/08/2019 15:46

Visit the website Out of the Fog. They have a whole section called the toolbox with ways to deal with people who have personality disorders. Their forums are also really, really good and you will meet lots of people dealing with people similar to your mother.

daisy2002 · 16/08/2019 15:56

I have no words of advice but I just wanted to say that reading your post I was think.... yep that's my mum, even down to reading of my diary and going through my bedroom when I was 21.
I love my mum but she's really hard work.
Sorry to hear about your dad's ill health Flowers

Original poster
Scandimumof3 · 16/08/2019 16:38

Wow Daisy! Does she have NPD, then? How do you even find out - is it a case of having therapy and working it out that way?

Iris I have come across that website and will take another look. Feels like opening a can of worms!

75renarde I’m in shock and denial! But in many ways it’s a relief to know I’m not going crazy and she isn’t quite ‘normal’. I mainly feel so desperately sad for my dad. I don’t think it has left me with terrible scars, I’ve been lucky to have an amazing dad who I think must have made up for a lot of her crap. Also I left home fairly young (actually left the country) and my partner has been amazing in bringing out the affectionate and tactile side of me which I had bottled up for so long.

OP posts:
75Renarde · 16/08/2019 16:58

It's extremely difficult to get a clinical diagnosis for NPD. That because most are unaware and therefore reject it our of hand.

Or some fly under an incorrect diagnosis as convenience. BPD and Autism are the two hot faves.

My personal favourite is Alexithymia!

75Renarde · 16/08/2019 16:59

I know, it is a shock. Commendable that you feel for your father but I'm worried about the denial thing.

Once Pandoras box is opened etc

daisy2002 · 16/08/2019 17:11

My mum has never been diagnosed with it but I'm pretty sure she has it.
Some of the things she's said and done over the years have been incredibly hurtful.
I thought up until recently that I was just being over sensitive about the things she does, then I had a really abusive relationship with someone and it was only then that I heard the term narcissist when my gp said it.
I googled it and it was just a check list for my ex bf but also my mum.
I don't know how to handle her or stop what she's says from hurting me but I don't want to cut her off because she's my mum.

75Renarde · 16/08/2019 17:21

Sad fact is @Daisy you cannot manage it. She will never change and may even worsen with age.

HennyPennyHorror · 16/08/2019 23:59

This is dreadful. How ill is your Father? I can't imagine the upheaval! But on one hand, he might find that he learns to live without her once he is in your home and no longer under her abusive influence.

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