Narcissist mum?

[Scandimumof3]

Is (or was) your mum a narcissist? I’d love to hear of your experience as I’m trying to figure out what exactly is going on with my own mum. Just a few things about her:

• never told me she loved me or showed affection (would not show my father affection either. I remember seeing him give her an affectionate pat on the back every so often and she’s often turn away)
• always has to be right
• hold grudges for EVER
• constantly pointing out my faults/ less attractive body parts (frizzy hair, small boobs, big bum)
• racist
• loves gossiping about other people and their faults
• has never, ever been at fault
• if you criticise her you are ignored, belittled, and not spoken to for months.

Once I had a boyfriend with the wrong colour skin. When she found out she didn’t speak to me for 5 months (I live in a different country to her).

When I was little she read my diary behind my back, found that I had a crush on a boy in my class and paraded the diary around making fun of me in front of everyone.

She has now decided to leave my father who is aged 74 and very ill. She says she ‘can’t take it anymore’ and he’s done something unforgivable but she can’t tell me what it is. My suspicion is that she can’t tell me because it would mean admitting that she has a part to play in all of it herself. He’s now very upset and has plunged into depression, and she seems very cold about it. She’s also angry with me for empathising with him (I haven’t taken sides but I asked her to be kind to him since she has decided to leave him, he doesn’t need further punishment). His tears seem to anger her more than anything, I suspect she sees weakness as a very unattractive trait in a man. He’s incredibly kind (yes he has his faults but always, always did everything for her, or with her in mind).

He’s now facing a move (from abroad) to live with me in the UK which must be terrifying at his age. Last night she was shaking her head at his tears, then said ‘ooh and me and my sister have decided to come and visit you in London! We can camp out on your floor!’ As if he’ll welcome her with open arms into his new home?! Of course there are grandchildren involved so I can see why she’d want to visit but to me this comment shows a total lack of empathy.

I’m trying to work out whether I’m actually dealing with a narcissist mum here or if I’m going completely mad?

Henny, he has several chronic illnesses and struggles to walk. He’s suffered from depression on and off for years. I’m now wondering whether it’s all down to her.

Well I'd be thinking the same thing Scandimum :( Not that this helps you at the moment.

Are you talking to him regularly? When will you arrange for him to move in with you? if his depression IS down to her, perhaps once he has settled into your home, it may lift...he may begin to relax.

I’ve just spent 10 days with them, I usually talk to them both over Skype weekly but I will start to call every few days to check in. I’m trying to sort out the move as we speak but it might take a few months. I have to arrange to see his doctors to get a proper handover/report, arrange his finances etc etc. And make room in my little house! He’s such a worrier. My mum has also always depended on him to do stuff for her, including driving her to places, fill the car with petrol, pay the bills, all the admin. She’s not stupid, I wonder if this has also been a ploy to keep him hooked. He’s so worried now about what will happen to her since she ‘can’t’ do anything for herself!

That sounds quite odd then...that she's always been dependent on him. And now she's doing this. You don't think she could be suffering the first stages of dementia do you?

My own Mother has dementia and when it first started showing...way before we knew she had it...it showed in really odd ways. She overspent and was quite 'devil may care" about some things. She said odd things too.

Google 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough?'. It's a book I think you should read.

I don’t think she has been incapable, I think she simply just hasn’t wanted or been bothered to do that stuff. I see it as another ploy to keep him attached to her. ‘I can’t manage without you’.

I don’t think there are signs of dementia. She has always been uncaring and lacked empathy. Although you could be right I suppose. She has been doing and saying some odd/uncaring/nasty things. I can’t say there are any other signs though.

Thanks Windmill I’ll look it up now x