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Original poster

Fighting to make it work

44 replies

Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 12:19

What do you do when you have fallen for someone who you thought felt the same, but start to suspect is just using you?

I’m head over heels for the guy I’ve been seeing for the past four months. He was everything I wanted in the beginning but recently it’s all been very much on his terms.

We can only meet on his say so and he has cancelled on me a few times leaving me really disappointed.

I know I should just end things but I don’t know how I will cope without him in my life. I miss him even when we don’t speak for a few hours!

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 16/08/2019 12:39

It's only been 4 months! Ffs. It's still 'the beginning' and it's shite and you're getting hurt. You coped perfectly fine without him 16 weeks ago, you will again. SiXTEEN weeks! And you prepared to put up with this treatment?

If everything you've ever wanted is a bloke that treats you like crap during the honeymoon period then rock on.

At this stage you're clinging on to nothing. It takes TWO to make a relationship, or to fight to fix one. You can't do it solo. All you're doing is breaking your own heart..... slowly! Do you want to be still clinging on in 4 years time, going "But it was great for the first month"?

Idontwanttotalk · 16/08/2019 12:50

I agree with everything Thingsdogetbetter said. It sounds harsh but it is undoubtedly true.

Take control and dump him.

EAIOU · 16/08/2019 12:54

Has he got someone else OP? Seems to fit the bill with his terms and cancelling last minute etc

If not then you are overly invested atm and your feelings have not been reciprocated.

slt2b · 16/08/2019 12:59

Been there last year, it sucks. Took me ages to get over. Now I have I'm so glad it didn't work as our ideas of relationships etc were completely different.

Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:02

I know I should just end it, I don’t feel strong enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:03

I wish I was tough enough to just end it now. I feel like I’m only happy when he’s in touch or we’re together

OP posts:
AmIThough · 16/08/2019 13:05

But you're not happy, are you?

howyoulikemenow · 16/08/2019 13:06

How long has it been since you saw him? Is he texting you much?

The guy I was seeing like this only met up every 2 weeks, so I wasted months of my life on him and hardly saw him!! I called it off after about 3.5 months. He'd never been in a relationship (he was 39) and I wasn't ready to hand hold him through it only to potentially waste my time. I wobbled over it but then went no contact til I got over it and now we're friends.

Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:07

There’s definitely nobody else. The only thing is a bit of a possessive ex is local, which he worries about

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:08

That’s what I worry about, I get attached really quickly and struggle to let go

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:08

Right now, no

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:12

I saw him at the start of the week, it’s usually every three or four days but I want to see him more and he says he can’t.
We text for hours every day.

OP posts:
howyoulikemenow · 16/08/2019 13:13

I got attached too him quickly too, but I had known him before, though I'd not seen him for 5 years we'd kept in touch. It's one of the most painful things, and I feel for you, but it's true that if a man is interested he will make the effort.

Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:14

I feel like I should maybe just back off... not contact unless he contacts me, not ask to see him and see if he initiates?
Could that work?

OP posts:
howyoulikemenow · 16/08/2019 13:15

Does he say why he can't? Can't is an odd choice of word, what is he doing?

I'd be happy to see someone every 3/4 days at the start of a relationship, but then again we all want different things and have different expectations. Yours and his obviously don't match, so why don't you chat about it?

howyoulikemenow · 16/08/2019 13:16

Yes it could work, often does with men. They like to chase. If he doesn't then you know where you stand.

Thingsdogetbetter · 16/08/2019 13:21

Depends on what you mean by 'work'?

Do you mean he'll suddenly realise he misses you, is actually madly in love with you and become the perfect boyfriend? Then nope, it won't work.

If you mean that he won't bother contacting you so basically you split up? That might work.

Or he might realise his passive, adoring shag who thinks she's his gf is going to stop shagging him when it's convenient to him, so he contacts and the cycle starts all over again. That's quite likely.

Thingsdogetbetter · 16/08/2019 13:24

Stop being so passive. It's YOUR life. Stop being an extra in your own life waiting for the 'star' to make the decisions.

Again, it's been FOUR months ffs. FOUR. I've got things in my fridge older than that!

Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:28

He worries about his ex seeing us.. she’s a bit of a trouble causer.
We have talked and he says it is what it is?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:29

Maybe that’s the best way... then I either get him chasing me or I realise I’m better without.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2019 13:29

Yes back off.
Wait for him to come to you.
There is nothing more unattractive than a needy partner.
That is how he is seeing you now.
Stop waiting for him.
Do what you were doing 4+ months ago.
Get out and about.
Do NOT pin your hopes on one man who is just 'not that into you'
I do despair sometimes.
It's no wonder so many men think they can just walk all over women.
So many just let them!

Original poster
Bluebird99 · 16/08/2019 13:30

I know this, I just don’t feel strong enough to end it and do what I should do.
I know we will cross paths and it will be hard or I’ll see him with someone else and it will break me.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2019 13:39

Why don't you feel strong enough though?
Were you an assertive, strong, woman before you met him?

AmIThough · 16/08/2019 13:40

Oh come on - she's either not his ex or he's keeping her hope up by telling her there's still a chance for them

EAIOU · 16/08/2019 13:43

Yeah I think hes sounding dodgier by the minute OP.

Do what's right for you and give up someone who makes little effort, controls all and could possibly be lying to you.