MIL - I just don't know what to do - long one

[Andromeida59]

To not drip feed - long one - I've had a bloody awful time over the past 18 months. Problems include: a minor car accident leading to long term/permanent health issues, discriminated against at work and almost losing my job and having a miscarriage a couple of months ago.

My MIL has always been very negative and morbid (always talks about death). She is also very controlling (wants to know every detail of everything we do), if they want to come round and we're out she wants to know exactly where we're going or will not accept answer. She has also made digs at me when DP is not there.

Back in March when I had a breakdown because of work and health problems. DP called her at 4am, he had taken drugs and we'd argued. He told her about the problems including about me not being pregnant etc. She came round the next day and was telling me how DP was going to die or "worse, lose his job" because of his drug taking. I tried to reassure her. She snapped that I wouldn't know about not wanting DP to die as "what would you know, you're not a mother?".

This hurt me beyond anything I've ever experienced before. I have not had an easy life but she knew exactly what problems I was going through and still said it.

As a result, I blocked her. I couldn't take her constant calls and messages. I also took the easy way out and just said I had issues with my phone because I couldn't face the confrontation. I also limited how often she visited (she would demand to come round every weekend).

Everytime I thought I was over how she had been she behaved badly, again. Due to her negativity, we did not tell.her about the miscarriage as she is very self absorbed and would make it about her.

Anyway, yesterday I had a message from FIL about how MIL has worked out that I've blocked her and is really upset. DP is going to speak to his parents about what has happened but I know this will end badly. Her digs are always when no one else is around, she has been gas lighting me.

I feel physically sick and so guilty. I never wanted to cause problems for anyone, I just wanted to get better and be emotionally strong enough to deal with her crap. Part of me is thinking that DP and I should just go our separate ways. I love him and want to be with his but I feel that I've caused this problem and I have no right to damage the relationship he has with his parents.

What do I do?

Use this as an opportunity to let mil there are boundaries, and she just can't cross them. Don't be scared, let your partner explain how you can't cope. They might sulk but will get over it. The only way you can change the relationship is by being honest, and when they do cross the boundary firmly send them back. Make sure mil knows if she harasses you she will be blocked for ever.

I think you are at a turning point in your DP stands up to his mother for you and tells her that her behaviour is unacceptable then you have a good one and should stick with him.
If apologises, comes back and tells you must unblock her to not upset her that is when you should go.
You are his partner, the one he choose your happiness should be his number one concern.

Have a read of this:
Toxic In Laws

Discuss with your partner, then make a decision to leave or stay. If he can accept that you are being used to control and abuse him further, then there's hope. If he can't see it, if he's too deep in the FOG, then cut your losses and leave.

In the meantime, definitely stop TTC. I'm sorry for your previous loss

I didn't expect there to be replies already so thank you xx
I will certainly read that thread. We're not TTC at the moment because we're both depressed and I'm still recovering physically from the accident. I just feel that I'm causing so much hurt. I adore my FIL and he's been helping DP work on our house. We get along really well and I feel sick that I've hurt him.

DP has undiagnosed HFA, his mother really mucked him up emotionally when he was growing up and he hates confrontation because of her emotional outbursts. I've wanted to say something becauee I prefer just to be upfront and hate being deceitful. I've hated lying.
I don't have parents as both are dead but I have grandparents and my relationship with them is just very upfront and honest. They're also not demanding and don't panic if they haven't heard from me in two days. I'm just so sick of the controlling attitude of MIL.

OP just to be clear, you are not responsible for all these peoples feelings. Not your MiL, FiL, DH, no one. No wonder your feeling overwhelmed when you're carrying responsibility for everyone's feelings as well as dealing with your own grief about the miscarriage and distress about the work situation. Give yourself space to grieve for both of those things.

Read about FOG and children of narcissistic parents. It may give you some insights into how your MiL operates. It's classic that she gets FiL to continue the persecution through making you feel guilty.

I agree though, that it will only work if your DH will stand up for you. But he may find it easier to stand up to his mother on behalf of someone else, i.e. you, then on his own account. He's been trained all his life to give into this woman's whims and demands. But you don't have to.

It's not your fault, she's behaving appallingly. She has no right to insist on coming round or bombard you with messages.

If she starts to make digs then come up with some phrases in advance to deal with her: what do you mean by that MiL (make her explain her unkind words) or that's not a kind thing to say Mil. It's about learning to assert your boundaries without extreme confrontation, which she can use against you.

Good luck OP and sorry for your loss

Woah you've had such a hard time. And your MIL sounds like a real PITA.

I have similar issues with my in-laws. They are mean, controlling, no respect for boundaries and everything is about them. Always.

All I can say is- be sure your DH is worth it before you have children. Once you have children you are stuck with these idiots for life. That's a huge thing. Right now you have the power to leave and never see them again.

If your DH doesn't believe you and stand up for you- then he's not worth it. You will always bear the brunt of this dysfunction and he will be there telling you to smile and be nice to 'keep the peace' while this woman bullies you.

I highly recommend counselling. First for yourself. Then for you and your DH together. You need to be a united front and you need to set and enforce boundaries.

MIL will kick off when she realises you're implementing boundaries. She will try a whole bunch of tricks to make you back down and get back into line accomodating her. You need to be strong and ignore it. Both you and DH.

If you're going to stay with him- you need to re-educate Your MIL to stay in her lane and butt out of your business- ASAP and definitely before children.

Check out the Captain Awkward blog- especially the one about a MIL called Alice.

What is your dp doing about his drug taking?

Sorry- pressed “send” too soon.
What -I meant was- is your dp being kind and supportive to you in this difficult patch in his life, or is his drug taking making things even more difficult. You need to focus on that and whether this is a relationship that’s going to be good for you long term. If it is- then think about sorting out the relationship with his parents- or decide you’re not going to have one.

I just re-read your post. You're unwell and your DP responds by getting off his head on drugs and then calling his mother in the middle of the night to tell her all about your incredibly personal circumstances.

Nope nope nope.

He doesn't sound like someone I'd want to have children with. How old is he?

This family have made you their scapegoat. FIL blames you for MIL's 'upset', your DP feels he needs to offload to his Mum about you, MIL blames you for her son's stupid decisions. How convenient for them all to have you as their dumping ground!

You are entitled to take a break from all of them. 'MIL your comment the other day hurt my feelings and I am taking some time to process that. Please respect my need for space I will contact you when I am ready.' Repeat as necessary. You don't owe these people a damn thing, and certainly not your mental health.

Take care of yourself first. Then deal with DP and whether he's right for you. Then deal with PIL and come back with new boundaries.

I am another saying leave. At least for a while.
MIL is toxic. The relationship between her and her son is toxic. Neither of them care about you. Nothing will improve while he is taking drugs and there is practically no help or support out there. You leaving might be the only impetus for him to stop.
You are being damaged and abused. You need to get out and preserve your own health, then, after a year or so, reassess.
You sound very young. Do you want this for the rest of your life?

You feel sick and guilty that you're causing problems and hurting people? Honestly OP, you have NOT caused these problems. You have a right to block anyone you like on your own phone! You didn't want constant phone calls and messages from someone you dislike, especially after that person made a particularly hurtful comment to you. There is nothing wrong with that!

Personally I don't have a close relationship with my MIL so I let DH handle most of the communications with her. I think you should say to DH that after everything that has happened you'd like her to call and text him, rather than you. Whenever she contacts you, tell her to talk to DH instead. Agree with DH how often you will see MIL and FIL. If DH can't back you up on all of this he may not be the man for you.

The op cannot expect any back up from her dp- he is a substance abuser.
She needs to think about other support (her grandparents? Other family? Friends?)and focus on getting herself better.

What is your DP being like about it all? It sounds you’re still in a very delicate place emotionally and he needs to step in and protect you from his mother and how she is acting.
Sometimes you need to protect your own mental and emotional health until you feel able to manage situations. It’s up to your DP to tell your mil how much upset she has caused you and that this is the result. She may not understand or acknowledge that she did this but she does have to live with the consequences of what she’s done. I agree that it’s a good opportunity to put boundaries into place.
None of this is your fault.

How has DP been towards you? Does he agree you did the right thing or is he going to minimise it.

Get rid of the P and the MIL will go with him

“he needs to step in and protect you from his mother and how she is acting.”
He’s not going to. He’s a substance abuser.

Why are you with someone who uses illegal drugs? Why would you want his child?

In regard to DP, I don't have an issue with the drug taking. It's once or twice a year at best. He felt alone and needed someone to talk to. I can't be angry with him for going to his Mum because he should be able to. We've been together nearly 15 years.
I've always done my best to just ignore it.

In regard to him supporting me, he is fantastic. He has tried to limit his mother's intrusion as much as possible without causing a confrontation. When I received the message yesterday, I did say it may be better if we broke up. At that point, he completely took control. He messaged his DF to say that no-one was to contact me and he would speak to them about what has been happening.
If he had just fobbed me off, I think that would be the end.
When I found out I was pregnant both of our thoughts were with how his mother would be. He told me at the time that he would put a stop to her behaviour with me being pregnant.

I am not the only victim of her behaviour. The ILs think that my partner just doesn't talk because when she is around he is virtually silent.

Both of the events of the past 18 months have taken a toll on our mental health. I'm going to visit family over the weekend so we can have some space.

That does sound promising op have a good weekend

A few things worth mentioning, as bloody awful as I feel (and I do), DP is also a victim. I want to support him as much as I can. We support each other as best as we can.

Also, having grown up with a narcissistic mother, I should have spotted this. My BM operated very differently. PIP have helped us out financially and with work on our home so I've felt awkward saying anything as I've been grateful for the help.

Lastly, MIL is very controlling. I'm worried that if I lay down the law and say when they can/can't come to the house that I will seem just as controlling.

I want an easier life. We've both been through so much. I want the chance for both of us to get better.

Ok- if you were my dd I would say that it’s very unusual for a drug taker to be honest about how often they take drugs. So be very careful, and keep a close eye on your money. I would also suggest not getting pregnant again til you are well past this phase in your life- if I am right in guessing that you are young, you have plenty of time.

If you have to detach yourself from your pils, then do it- they chose to help you with the house, so don’t feel guilty about that. And as I said- look for other sources of support- your grandparents or friends.

and I feel sick that I've hurt him
You have NOT hurt him.
Your MIL has with her behaviour.
Stop blaming yourself for any of this.
You've put up with this crap for 15 years.

By putting boundaries in place your are NOT being controlling.
You are protecting yourself and your own mental health.

Your DP's response is very positive.
I'd have told you to run a mile if he wasn't being supportive.
But he is and I hope he can take back control.

As a PP said - read 'Toxic In Laws'
Get your partner to google FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)

You both to need to make a stand.
Do it together and put your boundaries in place and do NOT let her trounce on them.

I realise how pathetic this all sounds. I'm not very young at all. I've just turned 37. DP is 40. We should be able to deal with it but it's just got to breaking point.

In regard to the drug taking. I don't have an issue with very occasional use. We have no issues with money going missing etc. It's one of the plus points of his autism, he simply is unable to lie to me.
Given all of the issues we face/have faced, I don't see it as a problem. It might sound naive but we've been together nearly 15 years. We have a very open and honest relationship.

The worst thing about our relationship is his mother. She is obsessed with death, she had dreadful experiences getting pregnant. She had a stillbirth and numerous miscarriages. I've always tried to be aware of this and treat her kindly.
She never worked when they were growing up and so they were her whole world.

DP's sister has a partner but is essentially isolated with only her mother for company. She does have children but they too are exhibiting the same anxiety issues that DP has. When I met DP, the world terrified him as this was her method of control.
The problem is not DP as he has been the subject of this abuse. As with any abuse, it's never the fault of the victim but if the abuser.

I do feel this is a turning point for us. It really is either deal with this or I leave.

I do feel really quite foolish. I've been reading about FOG and it does make so much sense. I just can't believe that I didn't see it. I work with victims of abuse, I know what the signs are. Or I thought I did.

I had started to think that her behaviour was narcissistic. During the last May bank holiday I went to stay at a friend's as I didn't want to see her. When she realised I wasn't at home, she had a tantrum. She was also arguing with DP because her and FIL were going on holiday. She always gives us details with plane numbers, hotel details etc. in case something "happens". DP reassured her that nothing would happen and told her to keep the paper as it would be good for her to see that nothing bad would happen as a consequence of us not having the paper. At this points she starts crying. Going on about what a bad childhood she had. So, he took the piece of paper.

She's also accused me of cheating because when DP went on holiday with his DF, I stayed with a friend. She messaged me wanting to know why I wasn't at home waiting for DP to call me on the landline.

The ILs think that my partner just doesn't talk because when she is around he is virtually silent

Same happens to me when i'm around toxic energy/people. My system gets so overwhelmed with memories/feelings and the futility of making 'conversation' with such people that i 'shut down' verbally.
Sometimes i can force myself to say enough to be polite and civil when in the company of toxicity, but generally i can't.