MIL - I just don't know what to do - long one

[Andromeida59]

To not drip feed - long one - I've had a bloody awful time over the past 18 months. Problems include: a minor car accident leading to long term/permanent health issues, discriminated against at work and almost losing my job and having a miscarriage a couple of months ago.

My MIL has always been very negative and morbid (always talks about death). She is also very controlling (wants to know every detail of everything we do), if they want to come round and we're out she wants to know exactly where we're going or will not accept answer. She has also made digs at me when DP is not there.

Back in March when I had a breakdown because of work and health problems. DP called her at 4am, he had taken drugs and we'd argued. He told her about the problems including about me not being pregnant etc. She came round the next day and was telling me how DP was going to die or "worse, lose his job" because of his drug taking. I tried to reassure her. She snapped that I wouldn't know about not wanting DP to die as "what would you know, you're not a mother?".

This hurt me beyond anything I've ever experienced before. I have not had an easy life but she knew exactly what problems I was going through and still said it.

As a result, I blocked her. I couldn't take her constant calls and messages. I also took the easy way out and just said I had issues with my phone because I couldn't face the confrontation. I also limited how often she visited (she would demand to come round every weekend).

Everytime I thought I was over how she had been she behaved badly, again. Due to her negativity, we did not tell.her about the miscarriage as she is very self absorbed and would make it about her.

Anyway, yesterday I had a message from FIL about how MIL has worked out that I've blocked her and is really upset. DP is going to speak to his parents about what has happened but I know this will end badly. Her digs are always when no one else is around, she has been gas lighting me.

I feel physically sick and so guilty. I never wanted to cause problems for anyone, I just wanted to get better and be emotionally strong enough to deal with her crap. Part of me is thinking that DP and I should just go our separate ways. I love him and want to be with his but I feel that I've caused this problem and I have no right to damage the relationship he has with his parents.

What do I do?

BertrandRussell I’m not sure I’d call someone who now and again uses drugs a “substance abuser” but technically maybe so. However people can occasionally use drugs and manage life exactly the same as other people. It doesn’t mean that he won’t be able support the OP or respond to her emotions and put boundaries in place. Admittedly not at the actual time he’s using drugs but that’s the same for when someone’s had a drink. If you look at the statistics on people who use drugs recreationally there’s a hell of a lot people doing it with minimal impact on their lives.

I just wanted to come back with an update. MIL has sent him two messages about being "heartbroken" and not understanding how we can "think so little of her".
We've had a long talk. We've both agreed that we're on the same side and that we will not at any point blame each other.

He has messaged her to say that he will speak to her about what has happened and I've told him that because I need to get better, I don't want either parent to contact me. They're also not allowed to ours unless invited. I've told him that I need a safe space away from stress and I can't do that if she demands to come round. He has agreed with this and he will be speaking to her over the weekend. I've also told him that when I inevitably see her again, if she makes any comment of that sort, I will not just take it.

I feel better knowing that we're facing this together.

Well done OP and your DP. Putting up boundaries really isn't being unkind. Although the people who want you to have no boundaries (because then they can get away with things) often paint it that way.

Being kind to yourself is your most important job at the moment. Until you feel more healed yourself, you cannot worry about others. Good luck OP.

You sound so lovely OP. Your DPs drug taking and how his vile MIL treats you is NOT your fault. His MIL is his problem not yours. I suggest you leaving they seem very toxic. If you dont want to leave then your DP has to straighten his MIL out right away. He should get help with the drugs also. You were right to cut contact with MIL. Take care of yourself.

Firstly, thank you for the responses. I now have another question...

I'm currently visiting family to give my DP some space. MIL has been messaging him trying different emotional tactics. Firstly that she's "heartbroken", now she apparently "forgives me". Yes, really .
DP is getting increasingly angry as this situation seems to be bringing issues with his DM to the surface. One the one hand, I'm glad that he can see that it's not me causing this but what I want to know is the best way to support him.

How do I help him through this? I'm giving him space and also listening to him vent but I've also been honest if he's spoken about certain situations that haven't been entirely his DM's fault. I think she's created enough problems without needing to exaggerate or be dishonest about other ones.

MIL has hurt me but she's also hurt and been abusive to him. I'm not neglecting my feelings but acknowledging and listening to his.

You need to tell her the truth and be completely straight. Just tell her you had a miscarriage and then she said that nasty comment to you and it upset you very much. Then leave the ball in her court

I'd be wary of FIL as well as MIL.

You may well adore him, but he has been married to her for years despite her behaviour and he stays with her. Every difficult person needs an enabler.

As soon as she realised you had blocked her, it was FIL who came round to tell you the error of your ways. He likely will do anything for a quiet life and to appease her.

He's nice but he isn't your ally and as your DH start thinking about his childhood there will be a lot of instances where he thinks about his lovely dad and stands back and says 'but why didn't he stand up for me?'

I think I'm having an issue drawing a line between enabler and victim. He has the opportunity to travel as he has free global flights but he's not allowed to travel. He's said he spends so much time at ours to get away. I'm not excusing him not standing up to her but I do feel he's also been worn down.

What do you mean he's 'not allowed to travel'?
What would MIL say if he just went?

Unfortunately you are not a therapist.
You don't specialise in this field.
So you need to leave this up to the professionals.
Your DH needs some therapy / counselling.
He needs to tackle this head on.
It will of course, get worse before it gets better.
You can be there for him to rant to - to vent to - to cry with etc......
But it's now hitting home for him and he needs some proper support.
Your FIL would benefit from counselling to but I doubt he will go.
He's been her enabler for far too long now.
He will probably never emerge from the FOG!

Escaping by being at yours is not fair. If you had children, imagine the sheer horror of your mil wanting to be there constantly! Your fil is not nice, he has enabled her shitty behaviour for years, including allowing her to use him as her flying monkey. Passing on messages about how she's upset because you're putting down your foot about her nonsense is unacceptable. He needs telling too.

Thank you for the comments. I'm not a professional in this field and am certainly encouraging my DP to get help. He is speaking to his DF about it on Friday when they're on their own together.
Part of me is feeling less stressed now I don't have to hide the fact I don't want anything to do with her.

In regard to FIL not being allowed to travel. It is just that. She will come up with a multitude of reasons why he can't. He'd never "just go" because she'd make his life hell. He planned on travelling more once he retired. He retired and his DD had children so they couldn't go away because the DD might have needed help with the children. There was always an excuse for him to not do things.

Now he can't do things because his DD has a dog with "separation anxiety". I'm not even exaggerating.