Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Do I confront her?

48 replies

Ofalltheginjoints · 15/08/2019 15:38

DP has a hobby which takes up a fair bit of time, I’m not really involved as it isn’t my thing however do go to a lot of the events with him mainly to drive him but they end up being a good laugh and generally have things that I volunteer in whilst I’m there.

Recently a new woman has joined the hobby, she is a friend of one of the other group members.

We were out for DP’s birthday last week and through the night this new woman was getting very close to DP, leaning against him at times and generally acting as if she has a crush on him, other people on our night out noticed but I ignored it.

In our last bar she was sat on the other side of DP and started to run her hand up his thigh, at that point DP jumped up and made excuses to go outside, I text him while he was outside just to confirm what I’d seen and he did, admitting she’d been trying to be close to him all night.

I’m not angry at DP at all, maybe he could’ve told her to stop earlier in the night (but he said that he had) but I’m furious with this new woman, my intuition throughout the night was telling me threat, she isn’t to our relationship but do I confront/discuss with her about what she did? DP feels that it was only because she was drunk she was acting like this but I’m not sure.

She will be at future hobby events so there is that to consider, any advice welcome

OP posts:

Shouldcolder · 15/08/2019 15:41

You’ll get lots of people telling you to rise above it and ignore. And that’s what I think you must pretend you are doing.

But personally I think there is a lot of value in getting her in a quiet corner and threatening to smash her face. And then deny it furiously.

Original poster

Ofalltheginjoints · 15/08/2019 15:48

I mean I’m surprised I didn’t do that on the night in all honestly I think I was more shocked then anything else at how obvious she was, I am trying to rise above it but it’s playing on my mind nearly a week later and still making me angry

OP posts:

Imonlymoominafterall · 15/08/2019 15:48

Ummm shouldn't your DP be the one telling her to back off?

Shouldcolder · 15/08/2019 15:50

Or try “my husband is over there. Do you want to go and throw yourself at him for a bit? I’ve got to go and make a phone call so here’s your big chance.”

Miow.

CIareIsland · 15/08/2019 15:53

100% agree it should be your DP job.
If you do it she might think it proves your DP is up for it as he didn’t do anything

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2019 15:55

Your dp should make it clear that he's not interested

Original poster

Ofalltheginjoints · 15/08/2019 16:00

As I said DP did tell her to stop on the night however she clearly didn’t take him seriously, I thought she may take things more seriously if I had a word? Tho she had added DP on social media and he’s since blocked her so maybe she will get the hint?

She’s very new I’ve met her 3 times in total but don’t want to make things awkward for the wider group

OP posts:

greenwaterbottle · 15/08/2019 16:11

If you say anything, say it quietly, and with a concerned smile on your face.
Then deny that you said you'd x.

EileenAlanna · 15/08/2019 16:17

She's the one making things awkward for the wider group. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries the same with the other men there so you'll be doing everyone a favour by putting her straight.
Next time you & DP arrive for the hobby he tells her straight & unapologetically that she's crossed lines & he's not remotely interested. I'm with @Shouldcolder, the I'll smash your face in is a tried & tested method with a 100% success rate ime.

Beautiful3 · 15/08/2019 16:20

Reverse it. If a man didnt take no for an answer and kept groping you, would you want your husband to back you up? I would walk over to her and say, " leave him alone. You're behaving like a sex pest and embarrassing yourself."

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2019 16:23

I'd wait until the next meet up and see how she behaves and then pull up on it.
Together!!!!!
'It was inappropriate last time and is still inappropriate. You are making this awkward for everyone. You are new to the group so please stop doing things like this as it's not appreciated by anyone.'

Sims44 · 15/08/2019 16:23

She clearly doesn’t respect you, otherwise she wouldn’t have done it in the first place. So if you say something to her I can’t see her respecting you enough to listen. I also think she’s looking for a reaction and some drama 🤷🏼‍♀️

WeakAsIAm · 15/08/2019 16:24

Yep another vote for "back the f"*k off bitch" in a quiet corner.

She knows what she's doing, give her the rules now.

MrMagooooo · 15/08/2019 16:25

Husbands job to distance and make it clear through actions and body language that it's not acceptable. He needn't say a word to her but he can make it clear in other non verbal ways.

TheQueef · 15/08/2019 16:26

Ooh this thread has made me feel all 80's.
A quiet, forceful, word to back off is needed.

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 16:31

Your DP sounds trustworthy.

Leave it to him.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/08/2019 16:35

But personally I think there is a lot of value in getting her in a quiet corner and threatening to smash her face. And then deny it furiously.

hahaaaaaa brilliant.. and yes I agree..

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/08/2019 16:35

I think if you confront her, rather than your husband doing it, she may create a scenario in her head that you are the mean controlling wife. And that your husband obviously fancies her which is why you're feeling threatened. She'll then see it as a green light to save him from you, the jealous wife.

Your husband really needs to make it clearer (no subtle hints or being careful not to embarrass her, or fear she'll claim it was all a joke) that he is not interested. Him blocking she can write off as forced by you.

Once he's clearly, and publically, told her he's not interest, if she doesn't back off then you both, as a united front, confront her.

BlingLoving · 15/08/2019 16:35

Please don't get all threatening. Your Dp needs to tell her to back off. He's tried. He might have to try more forcefully. But really, you coming swooping in just makes it look like more than it is. Your Dp is clearly uncomfortable so tell him to be even more explicit with her. Publicly if he has to be.

Grumpelstilskin · 15/08/2019 16:44

Your DP needs to be very, very direct if it occurs again. That is far more appropriate coming from him than you. And yeah, if the roles were reversed there would probably be far more disdain by the wider group. Your DH needs to make it very clear that he finds her behaviour out of order and that it constitutes sexual harassment if she touches him. Lest, she will try to cause more trouble down the line and possibly distort the situation.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 15/08/2019 16:48

I second what @Shouldcolder said! I can't stand women like that!!

Everafter1 · 15/08/2019 16:52

The most satisfying way for it to be dealt with would be for him to tell her to back off while you're there.

Not in a manner to gang up on her but so you're aware of what he says/her reaction & to show you're both a team.

If he's already told her & she's still chancing her arm, a different approach is needed. The audacity!

TheQueef · 15/08/2019 16:56

Audacious is right.
I'd say a deliberate challenge with the public thigh rub!

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 15/08/2019 17:10

Follow her to the loo and tell her you are aware of what she is doing, and so are other people. Tell her she's making both you and your husband very uncomfortable. Then suggest she joins a swingers club.

brassbrass · 15/08/2019 17:11

Why didn't your DP just put her straight as soon as she started? He could have said knock it off love I'm not interested plus it's hugely disrespectful to my wife who is also here

Flip

1 2