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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I confront her?

48 replies

Ofalltheginjoints · 15/08/2019 15:38

DP has a hobby which takes up a fair bit of time, I’m not really involved as it isn’t my thing however do go to a lot of the events with him mainly to drive him but they end up being a good laugh and generally have things that I volunteer in whilst I’m there.

Recently a new woman has joined the hobby, she is a friend of one of the other group members.

We were out for DP’s birthday last week and through the night this new woman was getting very close to DP, leaning against him at times and generally acting as if she has a crush on him, other people on our night out noticed but I ignored it.

In our last bar she was sat on the other side of DP and started to run her hand up his thigh, at that point DP jumped up and made excuses to go outside, I text him while he was outside just to confirm what I’d seen and he did, admitting she’d been trying to be close to him all night.

I’m not angry at DP at all, maybe he could’ve told her to stop earlier in the night (but he said that he had) but I’m furious with this new woman, my intuition throughout the night was telling me threat, she isn’t to our relationship but do I confront/discuss with her about what she did? DP feels that it was only because she was drunk she was acting like this but I’m not sure.

She will be at future hobby events so there is that to consider, any advice welcome

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/08/2019 17:13

I'd let your husband handle this, but in a stronger way than he did before.

She may well just think she's in with a chance if you do it, as she's rattled you. Some people are nutty. You can be there too if you'd like to be, as moral support, but he needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is unacceptable and he is not interested.

RushianDisney · 15/08/2019 17:17

Or try “my husband is over there. Do you want to go and throw yourself at him for a bit? I’ve got to go and make a phone call so here’s your big chance.”

^ This is the best way to respond. Puts her in her place and humiliates her, hopefully enough to get her to back off, without being able to cast you in the role of jealous wife.

Biancadelrioisback · 15/08/2019 17:19

"Sorry love, we're not into threesomes"

Said publicly, while you're there.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/08/2019 17:20

I'd definitely have a word. Not aggressively but let her know you know what she's up to.

Jaxhog · 15/08/2019 17:22

"Sorry love, we're not into threesomes"

babba2014 · 15/08/2019 17:26

You don't need to confront her. He needs to get up as soon as she sits next to him and make sure he doesn't drink so much that he can't understand what is going on as that's her chance to do what she wants.
If this was a reverse then I'm pretty sure people would advise the female to report the man for harassment. He needs to make a real fuss.

loveyoutothemoon · 15/08/2019 17:34

I'm assuming she knows you're with him?

HeyThereSummerRain · 15/08/2019 17:40

I agree, your Dh should be the one doing the confronting, not you.

If she sits next to him he needs to move, or switch places with whoever is sitting on the other side of him. If that is you, all the better because then you can turn to her and say "you put your hand on my thigh and I'll break your fingers."

He needs to send a very clear message both with where he sits etc and verbally confirm that he is not interested.

Flerkin · 15/08/2019 17:53

I was in this situation.

One of dps sister friends used to crack on to him at any gathering. He told her several times he wasnt interested.

At a party at sils house he went outside to smoke and she followed him.

I went to go out and my sil bet me to it she just said 'you do realise that you are making a tit out of yourself, he isnt interested, he told you he isnt and if you dont pack it in you arent welcome anymore'

She stropped off home. ..

Takemebacktolondon · 15/08/2019 17:54

I would definitely have a word.

Jayaywhynot · 15/08/2019 18:06

Some woman cant take a hint and I'm sure your H finds it very awkward after he has already told her once. I imagine hes dreading the next encounter eek. I'd watch her next time and if she tries it on again ask your H to tell her to knock it off then you walk over and set her straight. Take some of the tips from pp, hes not uninterested, you're embarrassed yourself, your making things uncomfortable for other members etc, if she gets lippy then knock her out

PalmPrint · 15/08/2019 18:13

Well in all honesty, your dp needs to be the one to sort this situation out and make it very clear to her that the touching needs to stop and that he's not interested in her. However, I do get that for some people it's really hard to confront unwanted attention when you're in a situation like this and worry about being seen as the bad guy. I think I would let it go up until a point but if it really over-stepped the mark then I don't think I would be able to stop myself from asking her what she thought she was doing by touching my dh in such a way. I wouldn't get into an argument about it or rude to her, I would simply ask what on earth she was trying to achieve.

SignedUpJust4This · 15/08/2019 18:25

Are you sure there's nothing going on with her and your DH? Maybe they are already at it and she gets a thrill out of teasing him in front of his wife? Just a possibility to think about as I've seen it happen with colleagues. He should definitely be telling her straight and making it very clear to her and to HR. Not you.

RockinHippy · 15/08/2019 18:50

Shoulder has it 😂

I'd also be having a strong word in a quiet corner & denying all knowledge afterwards. Though I'd go The patronising AF,
"oh sweetheart, you can't hold your drink can you, you really embarrassed yourself & my DH by coming onto him so strongly & in front of everyone too, just so awkward. I trust that your suitably embarrassed & realise staying sober might be a good idea. After all, I wouldn't want to get the wrong idea about what you're up to would I, I mean girls can get badly scarred for less than that you". Sweet giggle, touch up lipstick/Toss of hair & leave with only one very aggressive & stern glance back at her face & a smirk.

Freak the life out of the bitch & make her look like a loon if she tries to repeat what you said

Good luck OP

ArkwrightsTill · 15/08/2019 18:54

I second @Thingsdogetbetter if you ‘warn her off’ she will build it into a romantic Romeo and Juliet thing where they are being kept apart by his controlling wife and he fancies her so much you can’t cope etc. Let him tell her he’s not interested.

tomatostottie · 15/08/2019 19:27

Does she realize you are married? I've joined groups before where it took me weeks to realize that certain people were couples (because they weren't slopping all over each other all the time or sitting next to each other and just generally behaving like normal people).
I just find it really bizarre that she thinks it is in anyway appropriate to rub your husband's thigh when you are sitting there with the group. It's pretty inappropriate anyway, even if he was single.

I second others who said he should be the one to tell her to back off and I also think he should say it directly while it is happening and not via a one-to-one conversation later.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 15/08/2019 19:31

I've had this, marched her out of my house.

Bitch.

magicstar1 · 15/08/2019 19:38

I had this too, and DH looking at me for help. I asked one of the guys to hold my chips...he asked why and I said “cos I’m going to kill this bitch”. She ran a mile lol.

Original poster

Ofalltheginjoints · 15/08/2019 19:42

Sorry on the app so not able to reply to individual posters

Yes she knows we’re together, we aren’t married however I was introduced as DP’s partner when I met her by her closest friend in the group

Nothing is going on with her and DP I’m sure of that the only times he has met her have been at the events I’ve been at, she tagged along to his birthday night out as her friend was coming and it was a more the merrier kinda night, whilst I’m aware I can’t guarantee DP hasn’t met her at another time as I’m not with him 100% of the time with his work commitments and the commitments we have together it would be extremely unlikely.

I think seeing how the next event goes may be the best plan and if anything else happens then using some of the comments above to call her out on it, I’m sure (as much as I can be) that DP would react again as he did and tell her however the joint approach may get it through to her

As much as I would love to slap her I value my job and my professional registration so not an option but the thought has crossed my mind in the last week.

Thankfully we shouldn’t have to see her until November so she may be over her crush whatever by then

OP posts:

Original poster

Ofalltheginjoints · 15/08/2019 19:43

We do have hobby members to stay at our house when there is a local event to us, she will certainly not be invited!

OP posts:

beenwhereyouare · 15/08/2019 20:07

I'd have to say something. He told her to back off but she continued in front of everyone. Definitely challenging you and trying to get a rise out of him. (pun intended)

This woman is aggressively pursuing your husband. He's done nothing wrong, but her kind of behavior, whether subtle or blatant, can over time put tiny cracks in any relationship. Put a stop to it now. She's counting on his and your reluctance to confront her and she needs to know you (and he) won't tolerate it.

I like the idea of getting her in a corner and letting her have it, all in a polite tone and with a smile on your face so you don't make him uncomfortable. Make sure she gets the message. Some posters ideas were good, such as she's embarrassing herself. (If it were me, I'd hit record on my phone before talking to her. She may something incriminating.)

Good luck!

I once worked with a girl who pursued and dated married men exclusively. She said she liked them married because they took her to nice places, gave her presents, and she didn't have to clean up after them. Great sex, no strings. And she seemed to like the challenge. It's disgusting, but people like that are a reality.

HeyMonkey · 15/08/2019 20:54

I'm a bit of a gobby cow, I probably would have loudly told her to get her skanky paws off him when I saw her touching him.

And also told her I've got my eye on her and knows where she lives.

I'm all gob though, I'd be screwed if someone actually tried to fight me. I can run fast mind.

magoria · 15/08/2019 21:04

Sorry I think it is your DP who needs to loudly tell her to stop sexually harassing him.

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