Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feud with my brother

36 replies

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 15/08/2019 11:52

I have fallen out with my brother and not sure who is being reasonable/unreasonable here.

We were due to go to a festival, me him and his friend. He said he'd pay for a pre erected tent (one of those luxury bell tent things) if I paid for the bedding. He's quite well off, not that it should really matter, so said he'd pay the tent (£600) if I paid the bedding (£80). His friend was also coming in the tent.

The week before the festival (which incidentally got cancelled) I asked if his mate was also putting in. My logic being, I haven't got a lot of money so if I'm paying £80 for 3 people one of whom I don't really know I wanted to know that his friend was also chipping in.

He got very offended saying it was none of my business, but his friend had actually offered to buy us all a meal. I said fair enough.

Since then, the festival was cancelled so he said I could come to stay with him instead and at the last minute changed his mind and said he was going to a party and I wasn't invited. He made the excuse that it was because the host didn't know me but it sounded a bit iffy.

He later admitted it was because he was so hacked off at me asking what his friend was putting in, and in his mind this was calculating and penny pinching as I was trying to get the price down for myself.

We've kind of fallen out about it now but I'm just wondering now if what I asked was so bad?

OP posts:
MummytoCSJH · 15/08/2019 11:59

No YWNU. If 3 people are going 3 people should be contributing, no matter whether it's equally, based on earnings or otherwise.

Andromeida59 · 15/08/2019 12:08

A falling out is hardly a "feud". Considering how much the brother was paying for it does seem unreasonable for you to be checking up on the friend.

HUZZAH212 · 15/08/2019 12:13

I can kind of see his point - he was paying £600 to your £80 without him asking to you split it 3 ways to the tune of £226pp. So you would have already been far more in pocket than out. If his friend was/wasnt chipping in for the £600 with your DB then that's your brothers business. If the friend chipped in with the bedding would you be expecting him to split the £80 cost with yourself or would you have insisted that it went to your DB for his very generous 600 contribution?

Original poster
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 15/08/2019 12:15

Dont understand the question.. .if the friend was chipping in the bedding but I was still paying the £80 then it would have been going towards my brother/the tent.

I didn't mind paying £80 but I would have been a bit hacked off if the friend was paying £0 to be honest, seeing as I am not well off.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 15/08/2019 12:17

I would not have chosen to go 3 ways on a tent at £600 as it is not something i could have afforded, I'd have brought my own tent rather than do that. So it was always offered as a gift from him to pay for the tent.

OP posts:
Musti · 15/08/2019 12:29

You did sound a bit grubby. He said his friend had offered to pay for a meal but actually since you were paying a lot less than it would have cost, it's none of your business whether your brother decided to pay for his friend's share.

I would apologise to your brother and thank him for his generosity and put it behind you.

Musti · 15/08/2019 12:30

Grabby not grubby

NC4this123 · 15/08/2019 12:31

Sorry I think your the one in the wrong. I wouldn’t have mentioned it

user1493413286 · 15/08/2019 12:35

It’s a bit of an over reaction; I wouldn’t have asked to be honest but there’s nothing wrong with you asking and he’s reacted oddly

NoBaggyPants · 15/08/2019 12:35

You were contributing a little over 10% of the total cost. It's up to your brother whether he asked the other person for a contribution towards the near 90% that he was paying, not you.

You were out of order. Apologise and move on.

verticality · 15/08/2019 12:39

I do think YABU. He paid the 'rent' so he gets to choose who stays and on what terms. You agreed to his friend coming and the bargain you made was that you'd pay just £80 for bedding. It's not really your business what agreement he had with his friend. It's a competely separate issue. And you were being unpleasantly tight when he had paid so much - you should really have been grateful.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/08/2019 12:45

I think he overreacted by cancelling your visit entirely but agree with him as I’d also be hacked off by you objecting to covering the friend’s share of the bedding when you were having your accommodation costs covered. But I’d have just told you that straight, we’d have made up and if would have blown over and we’d get in with plans (or that’s how it would be with my brother)

perdigal · 15/08/2019 12:46

Sorry OP I think YWBU
Apologise and move on
Not worth a "feud" as you call it

NotAgainKen · 15/08/2019 12:51

I think you were a bit U, sorry. It's one thing when a flat-sharer moves a partner in without contributing to the additional electricity/water/gas they're using, but what additional costs was the third person incurring? Even if s/he needed extra bedding, that's not much compared with the cost of the whole tent which your brother was covering, especially when it's just for a couple of nights.

Original poster
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 15/08/2019 12:57

Ok, that is pretty unanimous point taken. I do think he could have resolved it without cancelling my visit though, his intention to punish me is the bit that's led to the feud.

I never objected to paying the £80 I just asked what his friend was paying, there was no further discussion beyond that on my part ( he said friend was buying meal, I said fine). But ok maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

We are in feud now at the messages he sent me criticising my personality and why he'd cancelled on me. So its moved on a bit from the original situation.

OP posts:
HUZZAH212 · 15/08/2019 13:04

I'd just apologise and say you've realised you were in the wrong. He cancelled on you because he's not impressed you were looking to save 26 quid for yourself while he paid the lions share. The comments about your personality are presumably that you were acting like a skinflint? In which case the 'feud' hasn't moved on from the original issue - he just still thinks you were being a CF.

Musti · 15/08/2019 16:16

Maybe this isn't the first time and it is part of your personality? From your response here, it seems like it is.. and it would annoy and make you sound ungrateful to most people.

Original poster
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 15/08/2019 16:22

I can't remember an incident like this before.

OP posts:
verticality · 15/08/2019 16:31

It's possible he now feels you're a bit take, take, take and that he cancelled the visit for that reason. Best thing to do is to offer a sincere apology, perhaps with a gift that shows thought and care.

Witchinaditch · 15/08/2019 16:33

I’d been cheesed off with you too. He’s spending £600 and you’re complaining about £80! If you can’t afford to go to festivals then don’t go- simple as that. I’m sure the friend would have bought food/drinks which would have amounted to his £26 share.

Original poster
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 15/08/2019 16:38

There wont be 'take take take' in future as we wont be hanging out together.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 15/08/2019 17:07

With him earning x10 my salary I would feel uncomfortable letting him pay for stuff even when he offers for fear of being accused of being grabby. Eg we used to meet up in London sometimes for dinner and he would pay. I'd offer to get drinks of desserts, but I'm literally the poor relation and I'm now uncomfortable with the grabby association.

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 15/08/2019 17:08

My final text to him would say it's been so refreshing hearing the perspective of someone who doesn't need to worry about money & incredibly useful to know the etiquette that the budgeting & financial anxiety inherent in being the poor relation at events imposes.

Original poster
CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 15/08/2019 17:14

It does create a dilemma when there is a significant difference in wealth... being paid for is nice but fraught with problems. Least of all you're not really an equal in situations like the one in the OP. If we'd been paying halves on the tent from the off and hos mate was joining I'm sure I'd have been within my rights to ask what I did.

Easier to stick with friends of similar wealth I think.

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 15/08/2019 18:18

He’s your brother though? How can you just write him off because he earns more than you? He sounds like a very generous brother also. At the end of the day he’s family so maybe just try and make amends.