Marriage bad patch or bad marriage??

[Needsomesupport]

I am struggling a bit and don’t feel I can speak to anyone about this IRL.

I’ve been married a few years and been together a few years before that.

I just find him selfish, childish and he isn’t very nice to me a lot of the time. Silly thing is I think I knew this about him before we got married but naively thought we’d be happy because we clearly love each other. It seems to be 50:50 as to what I’ll get from him from one minute to the next. He can be really doting and loving but then he can just be nasty about something mundane.

An example, I had a miscarriage last week. It was very early (4-5 weeks) but came after our only child was stillborn a year ago at term so was a bit rubbish and coincided with the anniversary. Anyway he was so happy when I found out I was pregnant, as was I, and he was worried when I started getting pain and bleeding. But the day after bleeding started - much like a period but I knew it was a MC so wasn’t feeling great - I was watching a reality tv show he hates. He came in and started saying “why are you watching this sht” and “it is sht”. I said please just leave me alone, I want some distraction. I like the programme anyway but I also I told him it’s the only show I watch that doesn’t seem to be focussed on pregnancy and babies. He still carried on “do you think they’d even give you the time of day?” I said I have honestly never thought about it. I just wanted him to leave me alone! The point is that it was a sh*t time and he was having a go at me about TV. He seemed to realise later (he says he shoes he’s upset by getting angry) and that counts for something but it happens too often. I’m sure I take my upset out on him sometimes. I don’t know what to think.

This morning he left for work without saying anything. That would be fine as he might have thought I was asleep but he came right up to my side of the bed and rifled noisily through the bedside drawers that were right next to my head. He’s completely inconsiderate. He didn’t need to make noise to get to the thing he wanted.

Anyway not sure what I’m asking. Sometimes he’s lovely and it’s clear he loves me but it seems like it is too often that he is nasty and cold! I feel he had got better rather than worse over the years but the fact that we are going through a hard time and he’s making it harder is really upsetting me. I know people split up over this sort of thing.

I feel he asks for a lot and takes a lot and I end up feeling aggrieved and taken for granted. I feel like a doormat. I then stand up for myself and say “no” or try to talk to him about it but he can’t take anything he sees as criticism so basically is being cold to me now as he hasn’t got his own way. It has always been that way which is why I often do what he wants; not always as I am quite strong minded but I do feel pushed into things by him sometimes. He won’t discuss things or compromise, just wants things his way.

I just feel so down with everything that’s going on. I do feel low and fragile anyway and maybe a bit hormonal after MC and I can’t handle him being like this as well.

Basically you are not happy and you're not happy with the way he treats you, which is no surprise. He isn't coming across as a very nice person. Being nice some of the time is not nice so don't be fooled by that.

We all get grumpy but you don't know how his mood is going to be one day to the next. Not a nice way to live.

Like you said, you knew all this for years. It clearly isn't going to get better, so you need to take some kind of action:

Tell him how you feel
Couples counselling
Deadline for change
Leave

He may be a horrible person, he may have to to change but if he is incapable to change - welcome to your life forever!!

May be able to change or is incapable of change.

I have asked him to leave. He won’t. He says if I want to get divorced then I have to go. Ultimately we would sell the house but it seems unfair that he should get to live here even for a few weeks while I rough it or pay for other accommodation when we only moved in 6 months ago and I am the one who had paid all the bills, mortgage, paid for food and spent about £10K on home improvements.

I don’t know if I really want to split up but I know this isn’t right. I love him but if I wasn’t worried that I might not meet someone else (I am mid-30s and want to have more children) I might more readily leave. Or maybe I wouldn’t as I have been with him for since my early 20s albeit very casually in the early days.

When he treats me the way he does I just feel so sh*t that I’m with someone who would be that way to me. He doesn’t listen when I talk. Doesn’t take responsibility.
It’s always my fault. The best he can do us walk away so as not to lose his temper.

If you can’t assimilate how he behaves, how would any children you have? Does he get to switch it on and off with them ?

It is inevitable that you will experience adversity as a family and you need to be able to respond positively with respect to the people around you. It is not happening in this marriage.

You need to move on.

So.

You would rather stay with a person who is horrible to you than be on your own.

You would rather have a child with a man that is horrible to you than no child at all.

I understand being single is hard, but people don't generally get better without some kind of work.

It doesn't even sound like you can express how you feel to him for him to even see the errors of his ways. I do believe people can change, but they have to realise they are not perfect first and then they have to do whatever they can to want to change.

An alcoholic doesn't realise and won't accept he's an alcoholic and will continue to drink until he does. Your partner will not change unless he accepts something is wrong.

Unless he is willing to hear how you feel, accept how he behaves, this isn't going to get better and as the stresses of life increase he will just get worse and you are his punching bag.

If you can talk to him, talk to him and instigate some change but if it doesn't change you will have to walk away as your only option.

Well one thing I think might be an issue is he smokes weed. I don’t know how often but I think every day (and he hasn’t been working for a few months) so I don’t know whether that affects his behaviour as he has done that as long as I have known him but I didn’t realise the extent in the early days

In some ways he has been better and he has been supportive since we lost our baby but then in other ways the same old him comes out when he isn’t getting his own way.

He isn’t really open to therapy. We went after we lost the baby but he seemed to only want to discuss the things that were important to him and I think only wanted me to move past my grief so as to accommodate him by going back to normal and doing “normal” things.

His approach has always been that people don’t change and he won’t change. I think that’s rubbish as I think people do learn from their mistakes and a good partner takes on board what their partner says

Having said that, and I think this is important, whilst he sometimes (often) dismisses what I say when I talk to him about how I feel, he has then quite often done things to show he has taken on board what I’ve said. eg I’ve told him that certain things he’s done have (justifiably) upset me and he tells me he’s done nothing wrong BUT when the same situation comes up again he doesn’t do said thing and responds how I have asked. I think this is important or am I just holding on?

I think part of it is he has anger issues and responds badly to discussion but he will not do anything about this either. He is trying and he doesn’t get as angry now and walks away rather than shouting BUT it means no issue is ever resolved as we cannot never reach a conclusion.

You would rather have a child with a man that is horrible to you than no child at all

I know that sounds so pathetic but I really want a child and I feel I’ve wasted my best years with him (I was early 20s when I met him and now mid-thirties!) and especially after losing a child that urge to have a living child is strong. I do love him and I know he loves me. I just wish there was a way to sort out our issues.

I know I am probably overly emotional at the moment which doesn’t help as he doesn’t respond well to that.

How do you ever resolve conflict with a person like this? I don’t have the answer because I’m in a similar boat. I did go on to have children with mine and I hugely regret that. I’m now stuck. I’d strongly urge you to be brave and get out now and find somebody who is kind, respectful and considerate. Even just somebody who listens without responding with anger.

OP you say upthread that he works, then you say he hasn't worked for a few months. You also say that you are the one who had paid all the bills, mortgage, paid for food and spent about £10K on home improvements.

Is he working at the moment or not? Why have you been paying for everything? Is he spending lots of money on weed?

My partner was unable to discuss things and they would go unresolved and after couples counselling that passed, but your husband needs to be able to listen to your feelings and be able to change. Change doesn't happen overnight.

I understand your invested in the RL and that's fine if both of you are willing to work on it and accept the needs of each other. Your needs are 1)Not to be treated like dirt. Amongst probably other things.

I think deep down you know it's always going to be like this. He seem selfish to his needs only e.g The therapy you've already had. Everything seems to be about him not you.

I do hate the old LTB that's always thrown around here. I'd say talk to him about this, tell him you want therapy it to see a change or you are out. Sometimes it takes an ultimatum, not a threat, for people to take the situation seriously. If he cares, you will now how much by his response.

I don’t know how you resolve things with someone like this... with difficulty!

He gave up work in April (could be a thread in itself) and started working again this week

I don’t know how much he spends on weed but he does spend money on that, managed to buy himself a £100 festival ticket this week, yet hasn’t contributed to the house, food or car (that he was using u til this week) since April

Yes it is easy to say LTB but the reality is more difficult and I don’t think either of us want that.

I think I feel this way as he has been cold and standoffish this week as I stood up to him about something. I said no. But I think that’s the best way as otherwise I feel like a doormat and I’d the fallout is so bad as a result of me standing up for myself then so be it.

Honestly having a child is the worst idea ever, you would be better off alone. Look into the legalities of splitting up, lifes too short.

I think you are kidding yourself. Just because you have invested a lot into the relationship it doesn't mean you should waste any more time.

So. He smokes weed every day, bought himself s ticket to a festival, doesn't help pay the bills, food or patrol. Doesn't like it when you disagree with him, doesn't want to listen to anything you say and treats you like a doormat.

I don't care about the weed but every day is quite a bit, depending on how much he puts in it could be a £80 a month or more habit.

You know what you need to do. The first thing is talk to him, tell him what you expect of him in terms of finance and working and respect. Set yourself some boundaries and stand up to him more.

If you think your unhappy now, just you wait for a few more years and when / if you have a child. You will be trapped, he will know you will be trapped too.

A baby is like throwing a Grenada into a relationship. Which is the best analogy I've heard. Some survive but they have to have a solid relationship before hand.

Good luck to you.

This is like my old marriage of 14 years which turned out to be emotionally abusive. I could never work out what was wrong, but the nice tranquil periods were interspersed with his massive rages. He was also petulant and massively unhelpful around the house, self-centred and everything was on his terms, including controlling the finances.

It all seemed like nothing to get stirred up about, and I stayed for years, trying to identify what was actually wrong.

But your DP's nasty comments and his reaction to your recent mc is unkind and not empathetic; those outbursts have a lingering effect that slowly erodes the relationship. I also think that swearing and being disparaging, 'why you watching this 'sh*t'' - unless both people are sweary in a funny way, is unpleasant and has a mean undertone, which is difficult to detect, but you most definitely feel it.

Your DP's refusal to engage and to shirk responsibility is a form of punishing you for speaking up, as are the periods of coldness and silent treatment, and all this probably goes in a cycle. The periods of niceness enhance what is known as cognitive dissonance, where you can't work out if things are ok or actually really bad.

Sorry this is long but you may be experiencing a covert form of aggression that is hard to detect, so I wanted to just shout out from over here that you're not overreacting and what you're experiencing is nasty.

Sorry have been quiet as not sure what to say. You all all right and everything you say is familiar @BrightNewLife

He definitely does punish me with coldness. He was like this last night. It is not long since I lost my baby and I do feel a bit down and a bit fragile. I feel a bit alone at times and I don’t know what I’m going to get from him. Sometimes he’s really loving and others the opposite. It’s like you say @BrightNewLife. Last Friday he was so loving, all loved up, I don’t think it was an act. But then he changes. And nothing has changed between us. The issues that he’s angry about have been there for ages. There are things I am angry about too.

I told him last night he cannot keep punishing me and then blaming me for his behaviour. I have reasons to be upset too but he either needs to try to put that aside and work on things or just leave, not stay and make my life hell.

He has said to me before that if I want to split up then I have to physically leave. I am somewhat reluctant to leave him in our home when he has not contributed anything for the past few months. I’m not now sure this is true and I am tempted to look into divorce. I’m not afraid to be without him any more.

I know there are things he’s genuinely upset about and he blames me for but I do believe all these problems are of his own making. Aside from who is to blame, he cannot communicate in order to resolve things in the here and now. There are things I am upset about and they are dismissed or he makes an excuse.

I really feel like I have had enough.

I know having a baby with someone when things are not ideal but I am in my mid-late thirties, lost my child and the desire to have another is strong. Before the miscarriage last month we were both so happy that I was pregnant.

Obviously I would want to make things work if we can but I don’t want this life where my husband makes me feel really bad on a regular basis and then apparently cannot what he does wrong.

I do sometimes think we would be happier if we had another child as a lot of the issues we have relate to my desire to have a child and the relationship he wishes he has with his older child.

I can see how having a child would make me seem trapped too as I have felt trapped just being married and remember feeling this way when I was engaged! Yes it was bad then, which says it all.

Not sure what I want. I’m feeling down, struggling to cope and not sure who I can talk to about this.

Having a child with this man would be the worst decision you could make. He already has you in an auful situation where you dont know what hes going to be like one day to the next.

What type of man can just not work for months on end and contribute nothing to the household whilst happily letting you do everything - but to then be able to smoke weed and buy a festival ticket! Hes taking you for a mug and as soon as you bring a baby into this you will be in an even worse position.

You need to kick him out - sell the house and find someone who treats you like you deserve!

I think it’s the fear of what if I don’t meet someone else and end up alone. What if he’s the love of my life. What if I don’t get to have more children. It’s one thing to want a child and not be able to have one but to have carried a child to full term and given birth and then lost the child I feel like a mother without a child to give all that love to and I think I would really struggle if I couldn’t have more children.

Having said that, i feel more inclined towards divorcing him than I ever have. I have been through the worst and I can’t handle divorce if it comes to that. Last night I somewhat calmly told him that that’s what I’m thinking if the alternative is the way things are. He didn’t say much but I know it upsets him when I speak of divorce.

He just called me now to ask how I am and gauge the mood I think. I was calm. I said I’m fine, I didn’t take back anything I’d said. He asked if we could talk tonight and I said ok. He does change if he thinks I’m serious but I think he think he is just so sure I wouldn’t leave him. He has said that before.

This month I cancelled all his direct debits (his loan, his phone) to make the point that I’m not paying for him anymore as I have almost exhausted my savings so I am standing up for myself a bit more.

Good for you regarding the DD’s. Not much to advise unfortunately but take it from me, a child will blow this marriage right out if the water. If you want to be s single mum with a deadbeat dad, crack on. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how much a child can fuck your relationship. It pushes everything right to the edgebut I get you’re desperate for a baby. 2nd, just know you’re not alone. My DH is pretty shit to me most of the time. Just constant low-level criticism and contempt. He literally doesn’t even know he does it( I think). Just second nature...It literally gives me the rage when I make a simple statement, observation and it’s met with ridicule and a general air of “what the fuck do you know”. He’s just the nicest thing ever, to everyone...except to me. I’m angry some of the time which gives him even more reason to be mean because “ I’m the fucking miserable one”. So I get it, I know what you’re going through.

@Luckybe40 That does sound like my DH. He is the same. I can make a “normal” comment and he’ll be so rude in reply. If I call him on it he says he’s not rude, I just said a stupid thing and what more of a response can I expect?! He is so lovely and articulate to other people but at home he cannot handle a conversation if I don’t agree with him. He gets angry and / or walks out! I’m sorry you have a shitty DH too. Why do you stay? For your children?

I wouldn't ttc with someone who won't even give up weed in preparation. Working or trying to work, substance free and respectful would be minimum standards. I'm really sorry for your losses and that you find yourself in this situation. No advice about separating but you should look to do so.

I’m sorry about the stillbirth and your miscarriage. It’s horribly unfair. Does your DH have anyone he can talk to or is bottling up his feelings about it? I go to frequent SANDS meetings (my baby died neonatally) and I know that far more relationships come to an end after the death of a baby than continue.

That said, if he was acting in an intolerable way before (which your posts suggest) I think you have gone through enough sadness already and continuing a relationship with him is unlikely to bring you any happiness.

I am the one who had paid all the bills, mortgage, paid for food and spent about £10K on home improvements

Well one thing I think might be an issue is he smokes weed

Why on earth are you trying to conceive with this deadbeat?

(Very sorry about your loss last year and MC).

But seriously. Move out tomorrow. Put the house on the market. Start divorce proceedings.

it's the only way you'll move on from him. That's worth more than anything.

When you sit down tonight, he'll tell you he'll change. Please do not fall for it (again). You're just wasting your time.

I'm with somebody like this. It's death by a thousand cuts. I'm in my 50s now and disabled and he got to his worst recently.

The thing is when you're with someone that blows hot and cold you live in hope that they're going to change. But they don't.

I don't think that your dh will change and like another said having a child will just make him 10 x worse. Think of your happiness and also if you have a dc with him how will he act towards them?

NeedSomeSupport,

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Re your comments in quote marks:-
"I think it’s the fear of what if I don’t meet someone else and end up alone".

You're pretty much alone now within this marriage because he will never treat you as an equal within it. What you write of him is how abusive people operate on their chosen target. Do not stay with him either because of this or the sunken costs fallacy. Joint counselling is a non starter here because of the abuse he metes out towards you; not that he would ever deign to attend any session in any case. He is emotionally abusive towards you and has been for some considerable time. Abuse like you describe and it is abuse is insidious in its onset and I think he has worked on you to get you to this low point for years.
Such men do not change and also hate women, all of them (starting with his mother).

"What if he’s the love of my life".
He is not. Why would you think that he is or would be?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think about that carefully. Did your dad treat your mother similarly?. Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship?. He targeted you OP, of that I have no doubt whatsoever. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and seek legal advice re separation and divorce asap. You do not have to act on this straight away but knowledge after all is power.

And what GreenFingers wrote earlier.