Marriage bad patch or bad marriage??

[Needsomesupport]

I am struggling a bit and don’t feel I can speak to anyone about this IRL.

I’ve been married a few years and been together a few years before that.

I just find him selfish, childish and he isn’t very nice to me a lot of the time. Silly thing is I think I knew this about him before we got married but naively thought we’d be happy because we clearly love each other. It seems to be 50:50 as to what I’ll get from him from one minute to the next. He can be really doting and loving but then he can just be nasty about something mundane.

An example, I had a miscarriage last week. It was very early (4-5 weeks) but came after our only child was stillborn a year ago at term so was a bit rubbish and coincided with the anniversary. Anyway he was so happy when I found out I was pregnant, as was I, and he was worried when I started getting pain and bleeding. But the day after bleeding started - much like a period but I knew it was a MC so wasn’t feeling great - I was watching a reality tv show he hates. He came in and started saying “why are you watching this sht” and “it is sht”. I said please just leave me alone, I want some distraction. I like the programme anyway but I also I told him it’s the only show I watch that doesn’t seem to be focussed on pregnancy and babies. He still carried on “do you think they’d even give you the time of day?” I said I have honestly never thought about it. I just wanted him to leave me alone! The point is that it was a sh*t time and he was having a go at me about TV. He seemed to realise later (he says he shoes he’s upset by getting angry) and that counts for something but it happens too often. I’m sure I take my upset out on him sometimes. I don’t know what to think.

This morning he left for work without saying anything. That would be fine as he might have thought I was asleep but he came right up to my side of the bed and rifled noisily through the bedside drawers that were right next to my head. He’s completely inconsiderate. He didn’t need to make noise to get to the thing he wanted.

Anyway not sure what I’m asking. Sometimes he’s lovely and it’s clear he loves me but it seems like it is too often that he is nasty and cold! I feel he had got better rather than worse over the years but the fact that we are going through a hard time and he’s making it harder is really upsetting me. I know people split up over this sort of thing.

I feel he asks for a lot and takes a lot and I end up feeling aggrieved and taken for granted. I feel like a doormat. I then stand up for myself and say “no” or try to talk to him about it but he can’t take anything he sees as criticism so basically is being cold to me now as he hasn’t got his own way. It has always been that way which is why I often do what he wants; not always as I am quite strong minded but I do feel pushed into things by him sometimes. He won’t discuss things or compromise, just wants things his way.

I just feel so down with everything that’s going on. I do feel low and fragile anyway and maybe a bit hormonal after MC and I can’t handle him being like this as well.

Abusers as well are often plausible to those in the outside world but their nice act is an act they cannot ever maintain at home. What you describe re him and outsiders is very typical of how such abusive men act.

You are really describing the nice/nasty cycle of abuse here and that cycle is a continuous one. It is only when you are out of this relationship altogether will you perhaps realise the sheer scale of how abusive he actually is. Such men take time, years even, to recover from and your recovery from his abuse has not begun as yet because you are still there.

Agree with the above post about the cycle of abuse.

Why do you think this 'man' loves you? I would never have the desire to shit on the happiness/peace ect..of someone I love. There isn't a good and bad person in him he is all the same person. Good people are kind, compassionate and empathetic. He is selfish, cold and manipulative.

I bet half the reason you want another child is probably because you are craving real unconditional love and want something that loves you back. Because he constantly shows you that he doesn't and that increases this 'need' to be wanted, desired and loved. Having a child in this situation however, will only make you feel more trapped and alone.

Instead, you need to regain your self-love. And you cannot do that with him around. It is you paying all the bills in the house so (provided you are confident you can afford to continue it alone) you need to have him leave. If you leave, chances are he will just not pay and screw up your credit ect...

Speak to women's aid I'd say, they might know how to go about shifting him.

If you stay with him, he will commit his whole life to sucking all the happiness from yours. Count on it. Don't let that happen.

Yep, for the kids. I’m freaking out though that it’s actually damaging them more than us being apart. It’s so hard. It scares me how little he understands me. I finally called him out last night after he was incredibly rude to me, and told him how unacceptable it was that he had been so condescending. And that he was setting a terrible example to our very young DC...His response was that actually it wasn’t HIMthat upset me, but that I had been in a mood all night, had glared at DS for most of dinner( was getting more and more wound up) then my DD” touched” me and I took it out on him. It’s bern a real eye opener as I literally had NO fucking idea what he was on about. That was COMPLETELY in his mind...But he was adamant that he watched me work myself up then latched onto something “innocent “. He Then proceeded to rip me to shreds and tell me I was the worst fucking parent and had always been a horrible parent. NOT a nice thing to say. And the chasm deepens. Problem is I have no idea how to resolve this. As you can see it’s all defence then ATTACK and I can’t do it. I went pretty apocalyptic after that, and I never do but he hurt me so badly with what he said... But that just gave him a chance to point his finger and say look how fucking nuts/bad tempered/ nasty you are, screaming and shouting and crying...not making the connection from goading me/hurting me to how I then react. Financially I’d be fucked aswell. It’s such a mess I just can’t believe how little he really understands me, how impossible it is to talk to him and how little communication we are able to deal with after all this time ( 17 years) and how bad it’s got. Don’t even get me started on sex & affection.

Sorry totally derailed your thread, apologies

It really is death by a thousand cuts.

It’s not that they don’t understand you, it’s that they place their own needs and feelings waaay above yours, so they don’t give a fuck about understanding you. You’re just there to validate them, to run round after them and to be an emotional punching bag.

My xh was just like you describe OP. Your opening description of what he said when you were watching the telly was him, all the time. He wasn’t overtly nasty to me unless I disagreed with him or challenged him, it was all subtle undermining, slagging off the things I liked, the way I did things, belittling my worries. He didn’t smoke weed, he drank, a lot. He’d have a go at me for spending money, although I never did without asking him first and even then I’d feel guilty, but he’d always have money for drink, and his stupid costly projects that never got off the ground.

I too wanted a child, and like you I hoped it would mend our relationship. For a while xh was great, a model dad, but it didn’t last long. Pretty soon it was me doing everything while he was drinking and sitting on his arse on his phone.

In the end I left, because staying would’ve killed me. I damn near had a nervous breakdown before I left and you know what he did? Nothing. He saw me not eating and sleeping for months and feeling suicidal and he ignored it and drank more. Later he told me it was because he was scared of losing me or something me, or some bollocks. Well I did leave, along with our DS, and guess what also? He went on to violently and emotionally abuse DS on EOW visits. I found out and stopped DS going and he’s not bothered with DS since. He doesn’t even pay maintenance.

This OP, will be you, because they never change. You’ll knowingly put up with awful treatment just hoping for the baby that will make it all better but it won’t, it’ll make things 100 times worse, and you’ll have a child and less money and you’ll have a bloody hard time getting out.

Also twats like this don’t make a break up easy. Do it while things are easier, no children in the mix otherwise it’ll be messy and painful and it’ll feel like you’ll never be free of him.

Please please don’t put up with this life, you deserve much more. You might worry about never meeting anyone else and never having a child but do you really want the rest of your life to be like this? Who knows if you’ll remarry or have a child, but that will all have to wait, because you’ll never do any of those things until you ditch this loser. There are plenty of possibilities out there for you but you’ll never find them if you’re pissing your life into this toilet of a man. Please get some legal advice and find a way to get out, or you’ll regret it. Having a baby with this man is not the answer, I 100% guarantee that your life will get worse if you do. You want a better life, not a worse one, and you won’t ever have that with him.

Good luck. x

Thanks. I do see why you would all say this but it is easier said than done. I do hold out hope they things will change.

My parents’ relationship was not like this, no, but my mother was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. She never disciplined me or my sibling in a consistent way but she had bad mood swings and would be so nasty telling me how she hates me and I’m horrible and she wished she’d never had me. I used to think she was bipolar or something as other times she was fine. I wasn’t a bad kid either. My DH reminds me of her sometimes because their behaviour is similar - both would lash out at me and be nasty, wouldn’t discuss anything rationally (even as a teenager I remember trying to have a rational discussion with my mother when she was having a go at me but it was impossible), with both I tried to work out what was wrong, tried different ways to approach them (trying to to discuss calmly, staying out of their way, arguing back...), neither of them acknowledge what they did to me...

@Luckybe40 Don’t apologise. I’m sorry you’re in a shit situation too. We have been together a while too and for us I think communication is a big issue. He cannot discuss something calmly and teach a resolution. He gets angry or defensive or walks away so things are never resolved. Then he angry because it isn’t resolved (if it’s something that affects him) or tells me I’m repeating myself if I’m trying to resolve something. I agree that it isn’t that he doesn’t understand you. He just says what suits his narrative. My DH comes out with crap and I wonder whether he actually believes what he is saying. He contradicts himself constantly as he talks a lot of crap. He’s not a “bad” guy but I kind of think he’s not a good egg if that makes sense.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It must have been devastating.

I was married to someone similar. I am glad I had a child but deeply regret that now I have to have contact because of our child. There is also the constant conflict as like your situation
He won’t discuss things or compromise, just wants things his way

Everything little issue over our baby became a battle. It does rob the joy of motherhood especially if you are with others who have supportive partners.

I eventually left because he was using our child against me. If we argued he would tell our child "I sorry your mum behaves so badly". This is the risk you face. At times Ex would also amend his behaviour but it was never from genuine caring for me but because of the outward perception he wanted to protect.

I really don't think the behaviour is likely to get better, if anything it will be worse. You will be more vulnerable especially if finances are tight. Could you handle an escalation of his behaviour? Do you have family support?

I would suggest you read some books, often recommended are "Why does he do that" and "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evan's.

These may help you to understand the tactics he is using.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. In your case you went onto marry someone just like your mother.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. Just like your mother, this man wants absolute power and control over you. Such abusers never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions, your mother's never apologised has she?.

Do read the books that Techway has recommended.

You will only leave or do something about it when your ready hoping that he will change.
Iv been hoping for 21 years. That my dh would change.

He might change for a while and then back to being underhand and abusive.

Google the cycle of abuse.

Your right it is easier said than done. I'm still here with mine miserable because he wouldn't leave.

You're young and you need to do what's right for you. It's alright us lot on here telling you what to do but you need to figure it out for yourself and that takes time.

Have you thought about getting yourself some councilling?

I have a pdf of Why does he do that' it's a really good book and helped me to understand why I had to leave my h. But I don't know how to post it on here... I will keep trying though. OP I think you need to read it. Sorry for your loss that must be so very hard to deal with, you deserve some happiness and peace of mind

I actually think my DH isn’t a BAD MAN, or an abuser. I actually think that we just aren’t good together. Anymore. We used to be but a lot has changed. I’ve changed. He’s changed...Our lives have changed. And that’s tough. Really tough because when you REALLY accept it, it throws up a lot of questions about what the future holds/ should hold. Our happiness, mental health( let’s face it, no one likes being unhappy) Responsibility to children, how to provide good role models, etc,etc as one of the most important thing you can do for a child is to show through example healthy partnerships, cherishing your other half and being cherished so that they will seek out the same in their adulthood.
As you and I know we have been drawn to people who treat us in a way that’s familiar, you, your mum, me, I’m completely reliving my parents tremulous and angst ridden marriage and I’ve got no idea what to do about it. And we’ve also put a lot of time & energy into our relationship so there’s the sunken cost fallacy. How are you financially? Can you do it on your own?

He's not a bad guy

He's abusive. He IS a bad guy. Sometimes it really is that black and white. These sorts are not hardwired like us, they are predatory.

Being raised by narcissistic/borderline PD relatives can leave us in a position where we constantly excuse rotten behaviour by telling ourselves thing like 'I'm sure they have their reasons/they dont mean to hurt me they just aren't thinking' ect... We spend our loves trying to alter OUR behaviour to suit them and maintain some semblance of a status quo.

Because the alternative is accepting that these people are truly incapable of loving anyone but themselves.

It sounds like he is cut from the same cloth as what you have already experienced. But until you can face up to the painful truth, there's nothing to do. We can't save you, you have to save yourself.

I think you’re right that I could only walk away when I am ready. I feel closer to that. I would always give in to him when he was being unreasonable as I was scared of the consequences - the silent treatment, the anger, being blamed for not doing what he wants and ruining things, things being even worse... I’m at a point where I am sticking up for myself more. I don’t want to be stuck as I’m scared of divorce and really want children.

An example, this evening. We’ve had a day out for together and on the way back he suggested dinner at a foodie pub we like near home. His idea but he was annoyed when it came to paying and I let him pay. There we had an argument (not about money but I think triggered by it) which ended with him getting out of the car and angrily throwing the hat he’d bought today. It was dark and he was drunk so I practically begged him to get back in so that things didn’t escalate. He got back in and we carried on arguing, didn’t like something I said so got out again. He basically doesn’t let me speak and cant have a rational discussion. I let him go that time and drove home. After I got home he called and asked why I’d left him and if I was going back to pick him up. He didn’t apologise and actually said things like “you carried on”, “you wouldn’t stop” and that he was hoping I’d apologise. I hung up a couple of times. I had actually told him before I left that if he wanted to sort things out he should get back in otherwise that’s it, because I know he storms off and expects me to be a doormat and go back and give him what he wants. Anyway the last call back he’d said something like “I’m waiting for a bus so you’ve got ten minutes to sort this out” I said there’s nothing to sort out. He’s annoyed as he wants to use my car tomorrow and I suggested I wouldn’t since he was treating me like crap but had said get back in the car and let’s sort this out. Then he got home not long after me and told me I’ve got til 9 am to sort this out as that’s when he goes out. I told him he was so rude to me and made it clear he was only talking to him as he wants the car. He agreed that he was only talking to me for the car. He was still being nasty. I said hadn’t it occurred to him before he made plans (he made the plans a week ago but only told me yesterday and then pressured me into agreeing to give him the car) that I might want to use the car to go out on bank hol weekend and he said no because I have no where to go and no one to see as no one likes me and I’m horrible. I told him to go and fuck himself and went to bed.

I don’t know what is wrong with him that makes him think this ok but I suppose it doesn’t matter! He is selfish, unreasonable and has a huge anger problem but can’t admit and blames me for everything. Im expected to be a doormat and for a while I probably have been one. I dread what he’ll be like on the morning. Hopefully he will just go out and sort himself out and if he wants to give me the silent treatment or treat me like the enemy so be it. Maybe this is the way things have to be.

The most weird / annoying thing was he was being all lovey dovey at the pub and then he got angry over something trivial! Happens a lot.

(Sorry for long post)

The way I feel now, I’m not prepared to put up with this sh*t just to have a child. I don’t want him to treat a child like this or even treat me like this in front of my child.

I will look at getting hold of the books recommended.

You are right that I’m hoping he’ll change but he has been like this for as long as I’ve known him really, if just became more apparent when we were living together. He was upset the other day as I talked about divorce and we sat down and talked but it really does just take a small show of me being ok with him or seeming like he’s got away with something for him to be shitty to me again.

@Luckybe40 Financially I could live comfortably enough on my own. I can afford the mortgage etc in this house but I don’t know if I could afford to buy him out. I love this house and I’d like to keep it but that’s not the most important thing and a fresh start would be better. On days like this I think I would rather be alone than be with him but I’m so easily sucked in by him and had a shitty year as it is without a divorce but then I’m not sure that’s worse than living like this.