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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I just end this!

32 replies

Rosstafur · 15/08/2019 02:19

Long story short, I’ve been with my partner on and off for 6 years. He’s been abusive and controlling for the majority of the time. Including throwing a boiling kettle over me..

throughout this time he’s convinced me that I’m just as volatile, selfish and a narcissist who needs mh support (this is why he behaves this way).

I finally managed to end the relationship and we agreed to be friends. I’ve kept my distance and only really replied to messages he sends, I haven’t started any conversations with him.

Tonight I got the guilt trip, he’s messaged saying he may as well not be on this earth anymore. I took the bait and started being nice to him, making sure he was ok and that he felt supported. Only to have the night end in him absolutely tearing me apart verbally!

I can not honestly take any more of it, I’m scared of his reaction to me ending communication and scared of what he’ll do to himself! I’m sat here crying as I write this and just feel pathetic. Any advice would be appreciated..

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 15/08/2019 02:23

Can’t you cut contact completely? There’s really no need to stay friends. He sounds vile.

Spartak · 15/08/2019 02:24

I was on and off with an arsehole like this for 3 years. The only way I found to cope was to block him from my phone and social media and never have anything more to do with him.

He chucked boiling water at you. He's not worth another second of your time. Don't give in to his emotional blackmail.

Original poster
Rosstafur · 15/08/2019 02:30

I’ve blocked him on a social media and sustained that block for 6 months now! The last hurdle is watsapp and my phone.

I know he’s a complete arse, it’s the killing himself bit that keeps me hanging. He’s tried before.. I’ve watched him cut his arms open (sorry if that’s graphic).. but really as harsh as it sounds, I guess that’s his decision!

Good on you Spartak!! I need that strength!!

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 15/08/2019 02:31

I used to be with a narc just like this. Don't give into him, don't message him,don't reply to any of his texts. And definitely don't feel sorry for him. He's suffering from wounded pride because somebody has dared to stand up to him, and dared to finish it with him. And narcs don't take rejection well. Ignore ignore ignore....and if he carries on with the bullshit, keep proof, and involve police. More than anything though, do not blame yourself for his problems

Original poster
Rosstafur · 15/08/2019 02:41

@whyeonttheyletmeusemyusername I know you’re right, I do! This is the pathetic side of me. Not to drip feed (there’s just so much that’s happened). Last time I cut contact with him, it lasted for a week.. i was good with the decision and knew it was right. I came home and he’d been hiding in my closet, waiting for me!! I only found out when I got changed for bed.. he had no key.

I can actual see myself making excuses for staying in touch as I write this! The what ifs drive me crazy.. i’m going to block him.

OP posts:
Mummaofmytribe · 15/08/2019 02:44

Block on every possible platform. My ex threatened suicide. He didn't do it. I wasted years in fear that I would cause his death by leaving him.
DD also had an abusive partner who self harmed in front of her, really graphically, and said he'd do worse if she left him. She kicked him out 3 years ago, and he's still alive too.
It's blackmail
Get yourself free.
And if he DID do anything stupid, that would always be his choice, not your responsibility. Hold onto that.

Mummaofmytribe · 15/08/2019 02:47

Also, if he breaks into your home again ring police instantly. My DD's ex did this too. We found out he'd been watching the house till her father and I left, he then broke in and she woke to him standing by her bed. It still makes me shudder.
Look at your security around your home and ffs do not be afraid to call police if he tries to get in.

AllyBamma · 15/08/2019 02:52

I understand it can be really hard to completely cut people out of your life BUT this guy threw boiling water over you?? I would have had him charged with assault but you became ‘friends’ instead?

Please, for your own health, remove this person from your life, block everything and never look back.

LollyBmummy3 · 15/08/2019 02:53

I agree with Spartak you need to cut him off completely. He’s dangerous, what will he do to you next? If possible txt his sister/mother/cousin let them know it is over, that you are concerned for him due to suicide threats and leave it in their hands. My dad said this to my mum when she tried to leave him, it made her stay years longer than she should’ve as he was also a violent bully. When she finally plucked up the courage to leave, he protested a little and made the usual threats and threats against her family. After a few weeks he accepted she wasn’t changing her mind and moved on. 🍀

Original poster
Rosstafur · 15/08/2019 03:08

@Mummaofmytribe it reads like my relationship! I’m so glad you both got out. I’ve blocked him.. the o my thing I can’t figure out is how to block on email.

@AllyBamma I realise how ridiculous that sounds. Making friends with him is like allowing him to feel ok with my not being with him any more. I need to know his mood and placate him, in order to feel safe. Leaving a man this unhinged is scary to me. I am seeing a theme here though, which helps a lot!

@lollyBmummy3 they’re no help, they’re scared of him too. It’s a plan to put the onus on them though. I’m sorry for what you went through, but I’m really glad to see a theme here that it’s all just hot air!!

I have called the police, I have pressed charges, I got a non mol order. I’m just very easily sucked back into him and after making 17 different statements to the police and entering a refuge, they are clearly frustrated that they can’t do anything because I kept going back.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/08/2019 03:37

I really, really hope you don't have children

Original poster
Rosstafur · 15/08/2019 03:40

@anyfucker I’d be a bit weird being on Mumsnet if I didn’t have children. None with him though.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/08/2019 03:51

There are plenty of childfree folk on MN

You are subjecting children to this horror. God knows what damaging lessons they are learning. Please go complete non contact with him. He won't kill himself and if he does I would consider it one less abusive fucker in the world. It certainly wouldn't be your fault.

Mileysmiley · 15/08/2019 03:55

This site isn't just for women with children ... there are also some men on here but they seemed to get attacked because this is mainly a women only site.

Hope you escape OP because he sounds like a right psycho

rvby · 15/08/2019 03:56

OP isnt it more important that your kids have a mum, than this guy has someone to placate his ego?

Hes going to kill you eventually if you dont put a stop to this.

Every time you think to contact him or respond to his contact, think of your children and how you need to save your life and energy for them!!!

Original poster
Rosstafur · 15/08/2019 04:06

I understand where you’re coming from with the children angle guys. I have one child who’s nearly 18 now. Doesn’t make it any less damaging and I always thought I’d hid it from her, but looking back I’m sure I was just deluded to think that.

I have left him 100%, I don’t love him and I moved out into my own place (he does not know where I live). It’s the residual contact I can’t seem to let go of and it’s fear. It just means i get to be verbally abused by him when things don’t go his way! I’d convinced myself this was how I was going to stay safe, it just keeps me in limbo though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosstafur · 15/08/2019 04:12

Weird that a bunch of strangers on the internet can give you so much strength. He’s blocked on EVERYTHING and I no longer believe he’ll kill himself. No amount of posturing will change that.

I think I posted because I thought it was me causing him to explode. but none of you raised that and the traits in these men are so very similar!!!

OP posts:
Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 15/08/2019 04:43

In absolutely no way are you to "blame" for his failings. None of this is your fault. He hid in your closet? Jesus Christ.....keep running ....far far away, from this psycho. Thank God he doesn't know where you live

something2say · 15/08/2019 07:26

No one can MAKE someone else do something. You don't cause his behaviour.

Remember that the point of leaving is the point of highest risk. Be careful out and about. Get someone to block him for you on email.

PurpleWithRed · 15/08/2019 07:29

Block him. If he chooses suicide that’s his choice, he did it to himself. But very very few controlling narcs go as far as actually killing themselves just to prove their point.

He has just got in touch with you purely to create the opportunity of boosting his pathetic ego by being verbally abusive to you. You gave him yet another chance, yet again he blew it. Block block block.

ChristmasFluff · 15/08/2019 08:31

You are finding it so hard because you have become trauma-bonded. When you are reliant on another person (captor, abuser, domineering parent etc) for your life and safety, you get very tied into running your responses around them. Your life revolves around keeping them happy, so they are always foremost in your thoughts - and so to remove them is really difficult.

Blocking completely is the fastest way - it is akin to an addiction. Also black anyone who has any contact with him.

When you feel responsibility for him, remind yourself it is a biochemical addiction, not love, and he is harmful to you. Give yourself love in that moment.

You owe him nothing, and you owe yourself a future free of him.

Rainbowqueeen · 15/08/2019 08:37

Block him

Women’s aid

Counselling

Freedom programme

All of it. Good luck. Remind yourself that this man is dangerous and contact could lead to your death. Look at your children when you remind yourself of that

He certainly won’t kill himself

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2019 08:43

Well done on blocking him.
If he manages to contact and says he's going to kill himself, call the police.
But do not answer any calls from numbers you don't know.
If you hear his voice on the other end of a call, hang up immediately.
You don't have to keep taking these verbal bashings.
Just hang up.

Have you don't the Freedom Programme yet?

EmmapausalBitch · 15/08/2019 08:57

Well done for blocking him. Now keep him blocked Flowers

IfIKnewThenWhatIKnowNow · 15/08/2019 10:38

Thank you so much for all your responses and support! It helps a lot.

I have done the freedom programme, but I just didn’t see that it was all him back then! Absolute blinders on really..

@ChristmasFluff that’s really very interesting. I’m going to look more into that, thank you.

He’s tried to call on withheld numbers this morning. I’ve ignored the calls and the voicemails after hearing it’s him. I’m determined to do this!

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