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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possibly pregnant

37 replies

Squirrel99 · 14/08/2019 23:17

Hello, first time poster here.

I’m pretty certain that I’m pregnant. I will be taking a test to confirm next week, but in my head I feel like I know I am.

The thing is, the father is a separated (for over a year) but not divorced man.
He has said in the past when we had a scare that it would ruin everything with his divorce if I fell pregnant, so I’m really worried.

We’re in a secret relationship at the moment and don’t want to lose him, but if I am pregnant I don’t want to give up the baby.

Any advice?

OP posts:
thentheycameforme · 14/08/2019 23:20

Advice - don't sleep with married men

Realise this is not helpful though, best advice is to take a test and then have a chat with your 'partner' also if it's a scare...use protection

Haworthia · 14/08/2019 23:22

Any reason why a pregnancy test has to wait until next week? No point saying you’re “sure” you’re pregnant, without having taken a test.

MustardScreams · 14/08/2019 23:23

Christ what a mess already. I’d be hoping beyond hope you aren’t pregnant so you don’t have to bring an innocent child into this ridiculous situation. M
Secret relationship? Are you 16? Is he ever actually separated? Why don’t you know how to use contraception? It’s taught in primary school, it’s really not hard, unless you are very, very stupid.

Original poster
Squirrel99 · 14/08/2019 23:24

I was going to take one right away but after reading up it suggested I wait until a week after my missed period

OP posts:
Teaandchocolatecake · 14/08/2019 23:25

If he was so concerned about pregnancy, did he elect to wear a condom every time you had sex?

If you were on an alternative form of contraception then I would expect him to have wanted to double up.

Yet very often men that don't want a baby don't do anything themselves to prevent it.

If you are pregnant then do what is right for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2019 23:26

You aren't using contraception? This is on both of you. If you are pregnant, be prepared to go it alone, because he will be gone.

Haworthia · 14/08/2019 23:27

I was going to take one right away but after reading up it suggested I wait until a week after my missed period

Nah, no need. Is your period due, or late? If you’re pregnant you’re highly likely to get a positive test.

Everafter1 · 14/08/2019 23:35

If you are, don't feel pressured into giving up the baby.

OP why has the relationship to be secret if they're separated? Over a year's quite a long time.

Original poster
Squirrel99 · 14/08/2019 23:42

Just because they’re waiting to divorce, he doesn’t want to be blamed for the separation by being with someone else.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 14/08/2019 23:49

Was there an overlap? It's not unreasonable to think someone will meet someone else within that time. That's added pressure for you.

Don't give into anything if he's not supportive, if you are pregnant that is. I wouldn't wait until a week after your late. Take a test the day you're late.

Original poster
Squirrel99 · 15/08/2019 09:09

No, no overlap at all. Over a year between us.

OP posts:
Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 15/08/2019 09:53

Why were you not using contraception, honestly the mind boggles.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/08/2019 09:56

So he's been separated over a year and you've been with him a whole YEAR (If there was a year between you, the maths doesn't add up?) and you're still secret? Secret from whom? His ex-wife obviously, but his family? His friends? Do you go out in public? Dates? Have you been to where he lives? Have you meet anyone who has confirmed he's actually separated?

And he doesn't want to be blamed for the separation after over a year? You being together will not cause any difficulties with his divorce - ex wife can be pissed off (really after a year?) But it won't make any difference financially. If you are in the UK adultery does not cause financial penalties for for adulteer. The courts don't give a shit about someone having a new partner. All it is is a reason to divorce before the two years are up.

This is your second scare - what contraception are you using? Any?

IF you are pregnant, I suspect you will be doing this as a single mum. Or are you hoping this will be the push he needs to acknowledge you are anything other than his dirty little secret?

No one needs to keep a relationship a secret after being separated over a year. No one. I think you've been spun a line. Either he isn't actually separated or his wife thinks it's a break and they're working on their marraige.

Or option C: he sees 'the secret' as a way of having convenient sex and a pseudo girlfriend, but isn't actual serious about you.

I mean a secret for A WHOLE YEAR. What were you thinking?! Why have you been accepting this?

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/08/2019 09:59

And what does feel pregnant in your head even mean? Are you even late? Not by much, if next week will be a week after missed period.

Original poster
Squirrel99 · 15/08/2019 10:04

No we haven’t been secret for a year, just a couple of months.
Yes we’ve been out together, dates, been to each other’s houses. They’re definitely separated.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 15/08/2019 10:05

If he’s separated why are you a secret? I’ll have a wild guess he’s not separated, your the OW. Do what’s right for you and bin him.

dontgobaconmyheart · 15/08/2019 10:19

Nothing where you are 'secret' is ever a good thing OP, it sounds like you put far too much stock in believing what he thinks and I'd be wary of that (and the whole situation). I agree he's spinning a line and you sound like available sex on the side more than anything else, unfortunately. Not that he will ever want you to realise that.

Do the test OP, see what it says and go from there but I would prepare yourself for him to turn on you if the result is positive. You don't have to do anything he wants though, do not commit to any discussion of potential termination that you don't want. He doesn't get to decide this for you, or guilt you into it.

Original poster
Squirrel99 · 15/08/2019 10:44

They are separated, he just doesn’t want her to know about us until the divorce is complete.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 15/08/2019 10:48

Ahh that old chestnut 😂😂😂

So go on, how long does it look like it'll be until they're divorced?

ISpeakJive · 15/08/2019 11:09

Were either of you using contraception?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2019 11:27

Is the divorce going through at the moment?
Has he had his Decree Nisi yet?
Why after a year of separation do you need to be a secret?
Why would it 'ruin his divorce'?
Honestly, this makes no sense.
Unless his DW believes there is a chance at reconciliation?

Anotherusername987 · 15/08/2019 11:48

You've been seeing him a couple of months, he's been separated a year. I would keep it secretish atm also, no point rocking the boat so early on. Although it is not unreasonable to start a new relationship sooner than a year after separation.
You may be pregnant, I would take a test before posting on here though. BUT, when you know if you're actually pregnant, you need to decide what you're doing and if he or the baby is more important to you, its clearly something you want because of lack of precautions but you're not the only one. He's not likely to support you as has made it clear about his situation and its too early on to start a family with a man who doesn't want to show you off to the world but you can do it alone if that what you want

LittleWing80 · 15/08/2019 13:01

It’s a bit unfair to have a go at OP about the status of the guy’s divorce. I presume she goes by what he is telling her and if she has access to his house then good reason to believe he is effectively separated?

I am guessing he wants to keep the relationship quiet in order to not aggravate his ex. If he has assets or earns more she might try to take him to the cleaner in vendetta if she feels he has moved on too quickly.

OP - pregnancy was unplanned, always best to plan in good conditions but life happens and it is what it is. If you are pregnant (please take a test asap) take a couple of days to figure out what you want and tell him. He should not force you to abort if you don’t want to no matter what his motivations are. You need to be strong. Good luck x

Original poster
Squirrel99 · 15/08/2019 13:17

Thanks for that, and you’ve hit the nail on the head. His ex lives close and he doesn’t want to cause any issues with her as she still has feelings.

I’m going to try and get a test today!

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel99 · 15/08/2019 13:18

I’m glad some people understand! Keeping it on the low isn’t a big issue to me at the moment.

OP posts: