Am I waiting around for my marriage to end?

[DeputyDoog]

I think my DH has checked out of our marriage. The problem is, I have opened up very good lines of communication with him IMO and he swears blind that our marriage is fine and that he loves me. He even told me that I am asking him the same question until I get the answer I want from him (which would be "no, I don't love you and it's over") some kind of reverse psychology I think there is something very, very wrong here and I have put my heart and openness on the line with him. Been together 2 decades and have teenagers.

What would you think if your 50-year old husband:

Increased the amount of corporate travel he does. He does a lot of European travel and it is now about 10 days a month.

On top of this increased the amount of nights out he has.

Joined a gym and health club next to his work but didn't tell me. I just get the sweaty clothes in a bag to wash. Goes to the health club and gets his back and chest, ears, nose etc. waxed. I didn't even know he does this. Sometimes he leaves his work computer here and if I lift the flap his appointments come up on the screen before the login (which is password protected and can't take a look) and I can see his gym classes and hair removal appointment!

Took off his wedding ring 3 months ago as it "gets in the way".

Used to watch TV with me, cuddle up on sofa, now sits in opposite chair or other room.

Never once asks me what I have been doing.

My spider senses are up and I can clearly see there is an issue here. We've argued, I've cried and I've been very, very honest with him about I think there is something going on, what's up with him etc. He swears blind there is nothing going on and he loves me. So, WTF.

I can find no evidence whatsoever of a tangible affair and he has passed me his phone and other devices to look at. Still, I feel as if I am waiting around for something to happen and I feel stupid. I have DC to look after and other stuff going on and I feel like I am in limbo with his behaviour.

I feel like I am sitting around waiting for my marriage to end. I don't want it to, but I am slowly eroding. If something comes out I am going to feel like a grade A fool having been lied to for ages and I am not sure I will recover from that. I sound paranoid don't I, but please read list above!

Any advice? I feel like I am going mad.

Take your wedding ring off. Stick it in a drawer. See what he says. If he's not bothered then you've got your answer.

Can you afford a private detective? Can you track his phone? Do you know he is definitely abroad when he says he is? Mind you, I remember a previous thread where the husband had a Ukranian girlfriend he was seeing on all his "business trips" so that wouldn't necessarily rule it out.

Oh OP, I feel for you. When you've talked to him before, what was his reason for joining a gym and going for waxing appointments all of a sudden and not telling you? What would he do if you suggested a night out or weekend away? Make an excuse or be enthusiastic about it? Can you instigate a conversation about holidays or future plans - see if he's happy to plan ahead or stalls...?

In terms of taking control, I'd do what some of the others have suggested. Plenty of self care, can you go to the gym or take up walking or running, or something that gives you a burst of endorphins? What else makes you feel good? Facials, hair cuts, swims, regular dinners or coffees with friends? Start focussing on you and making you happy, though I know it's far from that easy...

Sending love and strength

How could you not notice he'd been waxed? (not having a go, it's just a weird thing not to see immediately).

Also, when he is away does he chat in the evenings? Does he pick up when you call him? Do you know where he stay?

Sorry for all the questions!

The thing is - if it's a MLC and your relationship is basically good, why would he not just say so? A simple 'yes, I'm feeling my age a bit, getting a bit flabby and feeling old, so I thought I'd give myself a new look - what do you think?'

Doing it without even mentioning it, without asking your opinion or talking about it is the danger signal. He's stopped bothering with you, OP. Whether it's an MLC or another woman, he just doesn't care what you think any more.

And it probably won't come back. So you need to decide what you're going to do.

I experienced this a long time ago OP, including the wedding ring thing. and also suggesting separate houses because by working together it was getting 'claustrophobic'. (his words) and that didn't happen in the end. I didnt find out for many years (11) and did so quite by chance, but it involved a MLC and an infatuation with someone else and a lot of contact, but not a relationship as suchmost of it was in his head. In his case he suddenly went swimming a lot, new clothes, hair cut very regularly, wore aftershave a lot more and bizzarley was reading all his horoscopes on various sites meticulously every month having never shown any interest previously . In your case I think it may well be something similar, not a relationship but a desire to present 'the best him' to someone who he fancies. Its very very demoralising I know. I would back off to his face, because if he is up to something you being alert will make him alert , and I would start an awful lot of self care, plenty of hair appointments, meet ups with friends, dance classes and new clothes etc. If he is up to something he will be suspicious that you are tooand to be frank he deserves to take a back seat in your priorities as things stand as is being a first class tit. .

Sounds like there’s not much you can do about his behaviour at the moment, he seems to have everything locked down. But you can begin to take control of your own life and prepare for whatever the future may hold.
As pp’s have suggested:
Retrain, get a full time job (money gives you options), copy all financial info, open your own bank a/c (if you don’t already have one), see a solicitor to see where you stand. Most of all, start protecting yourself so that if the worst happens, you’ll be in a sound position to face it.