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Original poster

Am I waiting around for my marriage to end?

57 replies

DeputyDoog · 14/08/2019 14:37

I think my DH has checked out of our marriage. The problem is, I have opened up very good lines of communication with him IMO and he swears blind that our marriage is fine and that he loves me. He even told me that I am asking him the same question until I get the answer I want from him (which would be "no, I don't love you and it's over") some kind of reverse psychology Hmm I think there is something very, very wrong here and I have put my heart and openness on the line with him. Been together 2 decades and have teenagers.

What would you think if your 50-year old husband:

Increased the amount of corporate travel he does. He does a lot of European travel and it is now about 10 days a month.

On top of this increased the amount of nights out he has.

Joined a gym and health club next to his work but didn't tell me. I just get the sweaty clothes in a bag to wash. Goes to the health club and gets his back and chest, ears, nose etc. waxed. I didn't even know he does this. Sometimes he leaves his work computer here and if I lift the flap his appointments come up on the screen before the login (which is password protected and can't take a look) and I can see his gym classes and hair removal appointment!

Took off his wedding ring 3 months ago as it "gets in the way".

Used to watch TV with me, cuddle up on sofa, now sits in opposite chair or other room.

Never once asks me what I have been doing.

My spider senses are up and I can clearly see there is an issue here. We've argued, I've cried and I've been very, very honest with him about I think there is something going on, what's up with him etc. He swears blind there is nothing going on and he loves me. So, WTF.

I can find no evidence whatsoever of a tangible affair and he has passed me his phone and other devices to look at. Still, I feel as if I am waiting around for something to happen and I feel stupid. I have DC to look after and other stuff going on and I feel like I am in limbo with his behaviour.

I feel like I am sitting around waiting for my marriage to end. I don't want it to, but I am slowly eroding. If something comes out I am going to feel like a grade A fool having been lied to for ages and I am not sure I will recover from that. I sound paranoid don't I, but please read list above!

Any advice? I feel like I am going mad.

OP posts:
PazRaz10 · 14/08/2019 15:40

I realised when reading your first post that I had folded my arms in a very defensive way - like a real reaction to what you are going through.
Even if there isn't anyone else now or that he's looking for, you need to get him to understand that his behaviour is making you feel uneasy and paranoid - and perhaps counselling would help you both. How would he feel if the roles were reversed?

How can he not see that all of these things combined, with the major thing of the ring removal, are making you feel very uncomfortable indeed. And rightly so.

tolerable · 14/08/2019 15:41

take your ring off.its getting in the way. get your hair cut/coloured and join a gym.focus on you.do what you like when you like.for you.

litterbird · 14/08/2019 15:43

Just to add how to increase your self esteem....get out to the gym yourself, if he is a high earner book child care so you can go out with your friends and chat and laugh. Start a new hobby, look after your diet for health and try and sleep well ( I know you will be stressed)....change your mindset.....he does not hold all the cards....you are in control of your thoughts and feelings.

tolerable · 14/08/2019 15:44

allways go with your gut.list and evidence isnt required.turn your investigative talent into discovering yourself.try yoga/meditation. painting.his car.while its in the driveway.

Original poster
DeputyDoog · 14/08/2019 15:49

I think he won't come clean because he is a coward. He knows that if I get a sniff of an emotional affair or crush, let alone an affair then I will ditch him instantly and my anger would direct me in a way that would cause him a lot of bother. I also don't think he wants to lose hislovely home, well looked after DC and do any of that shit himself.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 14/08/2019 15:51

My ex was holding my hand and cuddling me right up to the day he walked out.
It's so obvious your husband is up to something, he must think you are really stupid.

justasking111 · 14/08/2019 15:52

You sound so angry OP and you still will not say if you love him or if you have a loving relationship with him.

justasking111 · 14/08/2019 15:53

If you do not love him, time to separate and divorce. This cannot be good for your children in the long term.

Horehound · 14/08/2019 15:57

Why is it that an affair is a deal breaker rather than the fact he isn't part of your life?

Original poster
DeputyDoog · 14/08/2019 15:57

Yes, I love him still but I think this would evaporate pretty quickly if I found an affair. I won't beg him to stay or anything like that. Not been intimate for a few months, but that is not unusual for us. The kisses on cheek, arm round me behaviour has all gone cold.

OP posts:
Alliumlove · 14/08/2019 16:01

I’m afraid the wedding ring would be back on or he would be out for me. That is horrible if he has always worn one.

Horehound · 14/08/2019 16:02

Well, what are you going to do? I don't see why you have to wait around to uncover an affair to end this. That means you're still leaving it in his control..

I'd sit him down again, state the facts like you have here and say things need to change or you want a separation.

Original poster
DeputyDoog · 14/08/2019 16:03

Hore,

We have been through lots together and weathered many storms. I can wait out a MLC and a blip in our marriage. If it goes on too long then I may change my mind. However, sleeping with someone else is an instant deal breaker for me. That is personal to me, I don't necessarily hold that judgement for anyone else. I've made so many sacrifices in my life for him and dealt with a few storms and got through it. I've a high tolerance level (as you can all see) but that would be the straw that breaks the camels back for me.

OP posts:
DewDropsonKittens · 14/08/2019 16:05

I actually think you should start to do all of the same things, for yourself.

Horehound · 14/08/2019 16:07

Suggest going to the gym with him! Make it a couples hobby..

Boozysuzy84 · 14/08/2019 16:11

I could have written this post. Questioned husband why he was being distant, he said it was just stress from his new job. Then someone knocked on my door and told me he was having an affair. Joined gym, bought heaps of new clothes.

sofato5miles · 14/08/2019 16:12

See, this is where the obsession around fidelity confuses me. His day to day behaviour is awful, why, if he shagged someone would that be a deal breaker?

If you are prepared to ride out this hopefully temporary new him, that is utterly checked out, what difference would shagging someone make.

beanaseireann · 14/08/2019 16:13

This may be a daft suggestion but I'll put it out there - could he be gay but doesn't want to come out ?

Whatnotea · 14/08/2019 16:13

Start by investing in yourself.
Hairdressers, gym, nice clothes.
Get your self-esteem back
Can you re-train?
Put some money aside for you.

Take the next two years to sort out your life.

justasking111 · 14/08/2019 16:19

I retrained after a break childcare it was empowering I went in a completely different direction. So I would sign up to a college course.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/08/2019 16:22

I just get the sweaty clothes in a bag to wash

Fuck that. He can do his own sweaty washing.

Sorry, but I do think he has checked out. I think you need to disconnect, stop worrying about him so much, and worry about yourself a bit more.

Are you fit and healthy? Do you work? Do you have hobbies/social life?

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 14/08/2019 16:23

I'd go and see a solicitor. Knowledge is power.

Root around for all the financial info you can.

I felt a million times better when I knew the situation with regards to finances, the house etc. It scared the pants off him when he worked out I'd had legal advice.

Cheeseandwin5 · 14/08/2019 16:33

I always get tired of the crazed Mn's whose first fall back position is the Dh is having an affair or is planning to, I assume they have led very sad lives to take such a position as the first choice.
My view is that whilst the other things can be explained away the wedding ring is a bad sign. My DH doesn't wear a ring, but he never has, infact he never has warn any jewellery even a watch, but if this occurred suddenly it would get me wondering.
For what its worth, I dont think he is cheating on you or even planning to, I do think he is probably getting bored and unhappy though, maybe with how he looks/aged or the life he is leading or maybe even his future. I am not blaming you as I think many people of both genders reach a time where they reevaluate their lives.
Maybe you both need to plan for some new adventures together and maybe some with friends/on your own, these can all be done within your relationship and it may help to add more sparkle.

Withington · 14/08/2019 16:34

I think the best way to approach this may be to do it yourself. Go to gym, new wardrobe, new hair.

Start putting aside money every month, take it out in bits (£30 here and there rather than £150 all at once) and open your own bank account he cant access if you dont have one already.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 14/08/2019 16:42

Do you have your own financial resources OP? Pension, , savings? if not, start putting money away immediately. Open accounts in your own name. Be discrete.

Find out about your joint finances if you don’t know. Get copies of key documents and stow them safely away, maybe with a trusted friend.

If you’re wrong, all of this will be useful for the future. If you’re right, all of this will be useful for the future.

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