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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm devastated - Please help

43 replies

ScarJo · 14/08/2019 02:25

I'm sorry if this comes across as rambled but I'm falling apart and so upset.

I have posted a thread previously about my past abusive marriage when I was younger and how I had an amazing DP who was about to propose and he did. I was over the moon, finally thought I'd found The One and that I didn't have to worry anymore and it's all just fell apart.

It really started when I was pregnant with DD, he suffered ED at the end of my pregnancy but we put it down to me being so big and pregnant that he was hitting a mental block, after birth it improved but still not right and recently it came back, he just couldn't get it up! Then I noticed he was taking his phone to the toilet and staying there for a while so when he asked me to look something up on his phone I snooped (wrong, I know) and seen he had been watching loads of porn, but worse he was on a site called AdultWork and although hadn't logged in he had been looking at escorts for wank fodder. We argued about it as I find the whole sex industry seedy and demoralising and thought he would think better now he has a daughter of his own and tried to put it behind me until tonight... It's the anniversary of his best friends death and he posted a picture on social media of their last boys holiday which was to Belgium 4 months before we met, there was a comment that said something like ''Can't believe what (insert DP's name here) did on the last night, they were the best memories) so I asked DP and he gave me a rubbish story about how they went to a brothel and he got so drunk he passed out and doesn't remember which I knew was lies, he eventually confessed that he had a ''bj but couldn't get it up as he had ED then''

It's knocked me for 6, I really didn't see this coming, I just look at him and think he is disgusting and slimy. I don't want him anywhere near me!! My heart is broken once again, I feel so stupid and worthless and unnatractive and I just don't know how to cope.

HE thinks as it happened before we met I should let it go but I know I won't. Please please someone talk sense into me, right now I don't feel like I will ever recover.

OP posts:
BritInUS1 · 14/08/2019 02:35

YABU You need to let it go.

You can't hold a grudge for something that happened before you met !

chickenyhead · 14/08/2019 02:51

Well I sort of agree with PP but, I think that OP has a right to be shocked that DP used sex workers. Not because there is anything wrong with them per se, but because it reveals a potentially exploitative side of his character she had not seen before.

Visiting a sex worker is legal, but many of these people are exploited or desperate and not in it for the fun of it. They dont get to choose only men they find attractive.

It would make me feel creepy too, but I think that the issue here is deeper.

OP your life/body has just been completely changed by having a baby, but instead of reassuring you, or putting any effort in to making you feel special, your DP is acting like an immature little boy. He is acting like he is single. Which maybe he should be.

OP you need to do things to make yourself feel better despite him. You need to not pin all of your Hope's on him and see that he is not the centre of your world, but someone you chose to be with and can choose not to be with if he doesn't buck his ideas up pronto.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 14/08/2019 02:53

You have just found out that your DP who you know has been using a website to seek out prostitutes has previous for using the services of a prostitute. I think you have every right to be distressed and upset! You are realising that your partner is not the man you thought he was- on top of that you have realised that he may have used prostitutes throughout your relationship.

I honestly think that would be very likely the end for me. You deserve better OP!

RobinMoseby · 14/08/2019 02:56

I agree with @ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 14/08/2019 03:18

Another ad for AdultWork.

Sadiesnakes · 14/08/2019 05:05

What the actual fuck is wrong with people on here? It's no wonder there are so many shit men around with the amount of enabling that go's on from women with standards as low as the ground.

Op. He's a fucking scumbag, he's addicted to porn and broken your boundaries on it.
Then it gets even worse where he's also perusing real sex workers to "wank to", which considering what you've just found out, sounds like a big fat lie to me.
And lastly, again, he's nothing but a scumbag, any man that uses sex workers is.

I'm sorry but if you want any quality of life with a decent, caring man who you can love and trust, it's certainly not with him.

prawnsword · 14/08/2019 05:21

Look am going to be blunt that chances are he may be lying about using the local sex worker ads to masturbate to. A porn addict would likely watch the most hardcore things. Sex worker ads are usually suggestive, but very tame in comparison to hardcore porn which is what the average person uses as masturbation stimulus. Like, am a female who watches porn & don’t really get what there is to jerk off too from a sex worker ad. Is it the thought of knowing they are close by? If so that doesn’t sit well with me either... I would honestly prefer a partner watch regular porn than jerk off to a local sec worker ad.

I think you’re upset because you know he has a history of visiting sex workers. Deep down you know you can’t believe him if he says he doesn’t have a history of using them.

When you found the local sex worker ads are you sure he did not look them up with the intention of visiting ? This is what is really bothering you surely.

something2say · 14/08/2019 06:46

I agree.
How can you respect a man who thinks it I should ok to pay for sex? Ok to demean women and 'buy' them.
On top of that, he has an ED problem, which is a mattter all on its own.
I'm sorry xx I hate this feeling, when the relationship is suddenly on rocky ground.

ChristmasFluff · 14/08/2019 07:42

Even the DH doesn't think his behaviour before he met OP was acceptable, otherwise he wouldn't have lied to her about it, would he?

He knows that his actions show he isn't the person he makes himself out to be. OP you have discovered his true face, and it is no wonder you are upset and so distressed - he's not the man you thought he was.

And maybe you don't like the man he is very much at all. Do what is best for you, OP.

MercifulGod · 14/08/2019 09:08

It's not your fault nor is it anything about you. Stay strong for you and your baby xxx

Princessfaffalot · 14/08/2019 09:15

Oh op, I’m so sorry. You must be absolutely heart broken. No advice I’m afraid but I think you’re totally justified in feeling the way you do. He may not have cheated but finding out there’s this side to him is certainly a betrayal. I’m so sorry, I would be gutted.

Original poster
ScarJo · 14/08/2019 09:17

Not an ad for AW why would they advertise on a site for women?

But anyway, to the posters saying my standards are low - do you honestly think if I'd known this before I'd have stayed?! and now that I do know I'm definitely not staying as much as it kills me.

This has completely blindsided me. It's the fact I just see him so differently now and I know the prostitute thing happened before we met but I find it repulsive and I just think he is a seedy, sad excuse for a man so no I will not ''let it go''

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarJo · 14/08/2019 09:20

Thank you to everyone who is being kind, I feel like I've been punched in the gut

OP posts:
Jaffacakebeast · 14/08/2019 09:29

God I hate that excuse, it was b4 we even met** if you found out your dh was a pedo or a murderer would you think like that. For some ppl using a sex worker is that extreme. I personally think sex workers have a place, wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. The current online activity would be tho

Skittlenommer · 14/08/2019 09:35

Relationships so often go wrong after children. It must be the most common theme here. I don’t think what he did before you matters but what’s he’s doing now does!!

RLEOM · 14/08/2019 09:35

ED is a common sign of porn or sex addiction. Good luck with that one!

MMmomDD · 14/08/2019 09:49

Op - how old is your daughter?
Only asking as you sound quite down and am wondering if other things might be in play - PND, maybe?

I think the issue here is a bit of a mix bag. On the one hand you have this idea if The Perfect One - that you have found in your bf, and that would make you forever safe and happy. And now that picture fell apart and you seem distressed.
Life doesn’t work like this, and life can be messy and still be ok.

Secondly - you are of course entitled to feels whatever you feel. However - it seems you are punishing him for his ED - and using the past that he can’t change as an excuse.
Was is a stupid and somewhat yucky thing to do that he went to a brothel - sure. However - when you add a group of drunk young men egging each other to go - does it make it a little more understandable? Still stupid and all, but young drunk men do a lot of stupid things.
You are reacting as if you discovered a history of brothel visits, or an affair. And it seems like an over reaction.
Hence why I am wondering if other things are in play?
If not depression - then tiredness of having a small baby, and possibly still hormonal ? -
I do hope you don’t make any rush decisions just yet.

magoria · 14/08/2019 09:54

In my opinion the AW thing is bull shit. Escorts after money are not going to provide free wank fodder.

There are hundreds of free porn sites he cound have gone on instead.

Men go on AW to find and hire a woman to use their body as a commodity.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2019 09:57

I would get shut of a pathetic sleaze like this too

Good on you. More women should reject substandard men like this. Perhaps they, as a class, would pull their fucking socks up if we did.

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2019 10:07

If he's used a prostitute before and is trawling sites of them now then he is either still using them, or considering doing so again.

I'd get an std test tbh.

Perhaps...I could have forgiven the one off hooker before we met, maybe. But this doesn't sound like a one off. And a porn addiction would be enough on its own for me to leave even without the rest of it.

loobyloo1234 · 14/08/2019 10:16

Has he tried to get any help for his ED?

He sounds so grim either way. I'd get rid for your DD sake

Limt · 14/08/2019 10:29

Oh no OP. I remember you finding the ring and being so excited.

I'm upset for you, life's so shit sometimes.

SomeAfternoonDelight · 14/08/2019 10:37

Vile. He’s wanked his way to ‘ED’ vile vile vile vile.

Original poster
ScarJo · 14/08/2019 12:00

Hi everyone

I packed his bag and kicked him out this morning - he is staying at a B&B near work then frankly I don't care what he does after that as long as it's a safe space for him to have contact with his daughter.

I had a comment that I was ''punishing'' him for his ED but that couldn't be further from the truth, it wasn't a big deal to me, I was being supportive in the hopes that in time it would sort itself out as I thought it was a product of me being heavily pregnant then the usual stresses of having a baby afterwards so no the ED wasn't a deal breaker to me. What is a deal breaker is the fact he has used a young woman for sex and then lied about it. The porn, also not a big deal, but the escort sites especially now I know he has previous is a deal breaker.

If you knew him in real life you would understand why this is a shock, I'm from a big city and he is from a rural county in Northern Ireland so always painted himself to be a quiet country boy with good catholic values from a big catholic family (I'm non religious). So, yes, escorts is the last thing I thought he'd be using.

I'm sitting wondering how I could be so wrong about someone, and no I don't have a fantasy about finding ''The Perfect One'' but just the right one for me after all the shit my EXH put me through I really just wanted to feel settled, not exactly asking for prince charming I know people aren't perfect.

But also, I know I will be fine on my own, I'm finishing my degree have a well paying job and a lovely daughter. I have never went out of my way to seek a relationship in the first place I always think you should be happy on your own before you can be happy with anyone else.

Anyway, thank you for the kind comments, I don't have a large support network in real life and needed somewhere away from my DD to breakdown.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2019 12:24

Well done op! You've made the right move.

Be prepared for him to say you are the one with the issues (the words 'escort site' should set anyone straight abot that though). Or to get a call off his mate who posted about what he got up to abroad, trying to backtrack.

Hopefully that's the main drama over with though :)