I'm devastated - Please help

[ScarJo]

I'm sorry if this comes across as rambled but I'm falling apart and so upset.

I have posted a thread previously about my past abusive marriage when I was younger and how I had an amazing DP who was about to propose and he did. I was over the moon, finally thought I'd found The One and that I didn't have to worry anymore and it's all just fell apart.

It really started when I was pregnant with DD, he suffered ED at the end of my pregnancy but we put it down to me being so big and pregnant that he was hitting a mental block, after birth it improved but still not right and recently it came back, he just couldn't get it up! Then I noticed he was taking his phone to the toilet and staying there for a while so when he asked me to look something up on his phone I snooped (wrong, I know) and seen he had been watching loads of porn, but worse he was on a site called AdultWork and although hadn't logged in he had been looking at escorts for wank fodder. We argued about it as I find the whole sex industry seedy and demoralising and thought he would think better now he has a daughter of his own and tried to put it behind me until tonight... It's the anniversary of his best friends death and he posted a picture on social media of their last boys holiday which was to Belgium 4 months before we met, there was a comment that said something like ''Can't believe what (insert DP's name here) did on the last night, they were the best memories) so I asked DP and he gave me a rubbish story about how they went to a brothel and he got so drunk he passed out and doesn't remember which I knew was lies, he eventually confessed that he had a ''bj but couldn't get it up as he had ED then''

It's knocked me for 6, I really didn't see this coming, I just look at him and think he is disgusting and slimy. I don't want him anywhere near me!! My heart is broken once again, I feel so stupid and worthless and unnatractive and I just don't know how to cope.

HE thinks as it happened before we met I should let it go but I know I won't. Please please someone talk sense into me, right now I don't feel like I will ever recover.

@Pinkbonbon

I am fully expecting the blame to be shifted to me, it was the same with my exH when he gave me a black eye because I ''worked in an office with men and therefore MUST be a whore'' frankly I'm immune to it.

I've arranged a night out with my friend end of this month, something exciting about dressing up! No plans to entertain any males but just a nice feeling to feel good and get glammed up!

My mum is also shocked, she didn't peg him for the type either, I feel weirdly calm. I know the grieving will come but I just keep thinking I've been through worse so I know I'll be fine!

On the bright side it sound like they are getting marginally better each time, maybe the next guy (if you can be bothered with one) will actually be a decent human being lol.

Yeah get yourself a night out. Always fun to get glammed up and hit town!

Wow @ScarJo you are incredibly strong, hats off and flowers to you. Well done, I've read all the comments here and I definitely think you've done the right thing.

I don't blame you for getting rid of him. I couldn't respect him.

However what his friends said on FB sounded odd - his story doesn't match theirs, does it?

Can’t believe the number of people who think that using prostitutes before he and the OP met shouldn’t be judged.

No, perhaps if the OP had known at the time they got together then it would have been different but she has only just found this out.

Even a one-off prostitute would be a deal breaker for me, as would porn use. What other people tolerate is up to them but just because someone wouldn’t put up with it when others would doesn’t mean that they’re wrong.

OP you’re well rid.

You have been through worse and you will get through it.
But the grief will hit you at some point.
Just be kind to yourself and keep busy.
Well done on taking a stand on this.
Men that use prostitutes are truly vile!

I can't help but feel sorry for him, and I know I'll be flamed for this. I reckon most men use porn, and there wouldn't be such an enormous escort/prostitution industry world wide if it wasn't used. Who do you think these men are? They aren't just sleazy men who live in the shadows, they are your husbands, fathers, brothers, sons. They are the nice man next door, your bank manager, your postman. If the brothel incident had happened after the OP was with him, that would be a different matter, but this happened four months before. It's not fair to criticize him for something he had every right to do if he wanted, however sleazy most of us might think that was.

I keep getting teary then 5 minutes later feeling fine again, I was raised by strong women and I want my DD to be raised by one too.

I think I'm not as upset as I should be because without even realising the ED in a way was taking a toll, started to feel less like a partner and more like just a ''mum and skivvy'' so maybe I was already starting to check out? I actually just feel relived that I wasn't the problem!

I just keep thinking about where I was 3 years ago, 500 miles from family, my xh harassing me, been given notice to move out of the military accommodation as we were now separated, how I had no job because I wasn't allowed to interact with men, no money, no self esteem to now finishing my degree, in my own lovely home, great job with great colleagues, my 8 month old DD who I adore, I even started making effort with my appearance and although I'm still carrying a bit of baby weight I don't think I look the worst and have signed up to do a 10k for charity as a focus to help shift it and contribute to a good cause and trust me the running does wonders for MH.

I'm not trying to stealth boast but just having it written down reminds me I can bloody do this! Maybe in 3 years I'll be on a super yacht with Tom Hardy feeding me chocolate lol -I-wish-

The poor men. They just need their needs met. They can't help it.

FFS.

You did the right thing OP.

@81Byerley are you him? lol

Each to their own but frankly unless he cleans his genitals with a kitchen scourer and sterilises it, I will not be near him. It's just so rotten in my eyes.

But you are entitled to your opinion so I hope you don't get flamed I understand this is an each to their own situation.

@ScarJo haha, no, I'm not him! I'd be devastated if my husband used a prostitute, but not bothered if it was before we met. Is it that you think he is still doing it? As your posts have gone on, it does seem as if you are maybe not as happy with him as you first thought, so maybe those are reasons to split with him, and it is a cumulative thing. I was merely saying, if all else is OK...and you could work on his ED.... leaving him because of looking at porn or his having been with a prostitute before you met, is unreasonable. I wish you lots of happiness, whatever happens.

@81Byerley

Even using the escort before me is a deal breaker, we don't have compatible morals. I bet if I told him I had previously paid for sex he would think less of me too.

He kept messaging me this morning so he is blocked now and has been redirected to my mum if he wants to see DD, my priority at the moment will be co-parenting

@81Byerley
Wow - you'd be OK knowing that a man you wanted to be with had used prostitutes?
Paid for a womans body?
Basically a man who has no respect for women!
OK - each to their own.

He has ED because he wanks too much and now has 'death grip'
That is the big issue with watching and wanking too much to porn.
People don't realise the damage it does to relationships.
That a bloke would rather watch porn and wank than have a loving, sexual relationship with his partner.
It makes the other person feel worthless. Like porn is more important than having sex with your partner.
It's not OK in any sense.

@81Byerley your bar is very, very low

Not fair to criticise him for something he did before they met? Really? Even though women are exploited into this industry? And even though he chose not to tel the OP that he had used prostitutes in the past and still had unprotected sex with her after the event?

If it wasn’t such a big deal why did he not tell her before I wonder?

And poor diddums not being able to watch porn even though he had a decent loving partner at home....Tosser is about the right term for him here I think...

Also, saying that porn isn’t a big deal and neither is using a hooker, would you be happy for your daughter to enter into either of these industries? Surely even if a woman “willingly” and I use the term loosely enters into either of these professions, shouldn’t we be hoping that they could aspire to better than being some man’s wank fodder? L

@AnyFucker not at all. Did you read my first post?

I hate the idea that women are degraded and disrespected. In an ideal world, prostitution and porn wouldn't exist. Men and women wouldn't have affairs, marriages would last forever because people would always be happy. But this isn't an ideal world and I am a realist. If you agree that the prostitution industry is vast, why would you assume that any man you are involved with, or are related to, would never go to a prostitute? It's highly unlikely that they would talk about it!

Bloody hell.. you are right to be upset OP. I can't offer advice as I haven't been in your situation or do not know anyone who has but that would be a deal breaker for me. I imagine an addiction like that is difficult to stop? I would be worried he'd still be doing it behind my back.

You need a proper long talk to him about this. Good luck

Just seen your post- well done OP!!