Sex issue (sorry, TMI alert)

[CinnamonSticks1]

Hi all,

Apologies in advance for potentially graphic post.

I've posted before about a long anticipated night with friend of many years... well it happened, we DTD.

Everything was going really well, but I noticed he would get into a rhythm and then keep stopping again and again. I wondered if he was just pacing himself so he didn't "finish" too soon but it kept on happening (and started to get a bit annoying) so I asked him.

He said he's sorry but he "doesn't want to take the risk because he's already a father of 2 and doesn't want any more". We used a condom and I am also on the pill, but anyway, respected his decision and went to finish him off with my mouth (sorry, sorry, sorry) and again, got into a rhythm and pulled me off him. Offered him other options which weren't PIV but nope, he said "sorry, but I can't"

I'm someone who thinks that sex should have a climax for both people involved (I certainly did, twice) Does anyone else find this a bit odd? I asked him if it was some sort of tantric sex thing about delayed gratification but he just looked confused.

Has anyone else come across this? It felt so weird that it was just over and he left without the grand finale.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

I'd give it time - he may just have been very nervous and finding it difficult. Had he drunk anything?

[Bigpaintinglittlepainting]

@SummerHouse has it he salmons off the bed at the point of climax

[PhilCornwall1]

Hope he doesn't read Mumsnet, poor chap.

[user1497997754]

When me and my now hubby DTD the same kind of thing happened and he said that it had never happened to him before.....it had also never happened to me.....I had gone to stay at his for the weekend. When I left it was abit awkward and I wasn't sure whether we would see each other again. Fast forward 13 years married it is great and I think it was nerves to be honest. It's never happened since. So don't throw in the towel just yet......take the pressure off and take it slowly best of luck x

[CluelessNewMama]

Maybe he wasn’t stopping himself but just literally couldn’t get there. Entirely possible if he had been drinking, was nervous, or just not enjoying it that much.

[BensonStabler]

I agree with pp's that it may be porn addiction or scared of insemination from condom. Has he maybe conceived a child from past person who also was on the pill yet still conceived?

I would understand the not wanting to finish the deed for worry of pregnancy, however, not wanting to finish orally would worry me that he may be hiding an std. Sorry to say that. I don't want to cause any alarm, just it is very odd. Try talking with him more openly before doing anything again, see if you can get to the heart of the problem.

[BensonStabler]

You reminded me of someone from my past who was also weird in that department. He went on endlessly like a porn star, wanting exciting positions etc but each time he never EVER had the finale! Needless to say I didn't keep going out with him. I took it personally as well like I couldn't satisfy him.

I found out from his friend a long time later that he chronically used drugs such as speed and exctacy along with viagra!! So whatever it is, it is not you.

[over50andfab]

Maybe he wasn’t stopping himself but just literally couldn’t get there. Entirely possible if he had been drinking, was nervous, or just not enjoying it that much.

Ouch

[Redcherries]

Could be situational orgasm? You can get right to the point then things just won’t happen, nothing to do with you, or drugs or porn.

[Parent999]

Can you imagine if a woman said she didn’t orgasm and all the men stood around claiming she was addicted to porn or had an sti?
Did he say he was worried about unwanted pregnancy?

.........well maybe it’s that!

Is it a problem? You had two orgasms? So he wasn’t selfish. Sometimes it just happens, give the guy a break

[dontgobaconmyheart]

Sorry OP but obviously this is just plain weird surely! If he is suggesting that you are after his glorious sperm for a sneaky pregnancy then he is obviously going to be just unbearable isn't he. How could anyone take that seriously.

If he has trouble climaxing but is too immature to communicate this and would rather insinuate the above than do so then the same is true really. I would not have 'finished him off' or 'offered alternatives'- the alternatives here are surely that he clarifies and discusses his preferences or issues with sex as an adult would do. So that you can decide what suits you rather than just him- or surely is not worth dating, let alone pandering to in bed.

[Redcherries]

@parent999 that was my thought, there’s so many reasons that this can happen to both men and women. If a man posted a similar op the responses would be so different. Post after post I read that all these men are addicted to porn, have death grip, must want something extreme because of porn.

Yes, it can be a porn issue, or a previous abuse issue, or lack of confidence, there’s many many causes.

Not wanting to discuss deeply person medical issues with a partner on the first time in bed is not immature, he was is perfectly in his rights to be in a place he is comfortable discussing this - his partner doesn’t own his orgasm and it sounds like he was more than generous.

Imagine a post from a women, slept with someone for the first time but just couldn’t get there despite fancying him, felt shy, or has past trauma, for what ever reason. You wouldn’t all be posting she was addicted to porn and he should leave, you’d be offering support!

[Parent999]

I just try to take it with a pinch of salt. Keyboard warriors can talk a good game.
It would be nice to just have a bit of mutual understanding. Ive seen threads on here where some poor bloke is ripped apart for, arriving too early, not being big enough, not giving an orgasm to his partner or not enough. Women seem to often be self conscious of their Mum bods. Is it really so hard to understand the pressure on men to perform? and on the first occasion DTD [that does mean doing the deed right?]
No one, man or woman wants to be put under pressure to "arrive"

To offer another possibility, {TMI ALERT] Ive slowed down or stopped mid thrust to avoid finishing early and not caught it in time. Whilst I didnt arrive properly it has made it harder to finish later. Especially after a gin or two.

[PhilCornwall1]

I think the jumping to the porn conclusion is thrown around way too much on here.

I had an "issue" some time ago where the chap wasn't working at all and I avoided sex like the plague. I've been married for 20 years and have never had this problem in the past. Ok, I do have a medical condition and get up early due to pain, but it hasn't affected things in this way before.

My wife could have jumped on here (she's on here and for all I know could be reading this and know it's me posting this as she knows my username) and laid out the following:

1. Everything was fine and now he's avoiding it, not "rising to the occasion".
2. He gets up really early in the morning and is downstairs with his phone to "read the news (and have a giggle on Mumsnet)" as he suffers from "pain and doesn't want to disturb me".

Chances are, some would have said, oh he's looking at porn, death grip, wanking like crazy when he's downstairs. Truth of the matter was, I was put on to some painkillers (that I have taken before with no problems) and almost immediately nothing functioned, even when I wanted it to! After 20 years married, I found this really embarrassing, the illness I have has knocked my confidence enough already.

The porn scenario would have been way off the mark, I don't need it nor want to watch it. I did take myself off those painkillers and after a while normal service resumed down below. It was a relief and I then did talk to my wife about it. She said she had noticed, but hadn't over thought it. She's a great lady for sure.

I know this is a ramble, but I think some do shout "porn addiction" too quickly on here. Not all men are porn addicts.

[CinnamonSticks1]

Hi all, just an update..

Ended up in bed again last night.. initiated completely by him I might add.

Same thing happened again and he revealed that he thinks having an orgasm as a result of sex is the most intimate part and he is/was worried that it would overstep the mark and make me develop feelings for him. I'm paraphrasing but that was the gist of it.

We have decided to draw a line under this, and just go back to being friends. What happens in X location stays in X location sort of thing.

Such an odd situation but tonnes of fun all the same.

[simone1863]

Erm, who do I owe my tits to then?

[formerbabe]

Same thing happened again and he revealed that he thinks having an orgasm as a result of sex is the most intimate part and he is/was worried that it would overstep the mark and make me develop feelings for him



Blimey, never heard that before...

[CinnamonSticks1]

Like some sort of magic love-potion sperm which would have me swooning and running to the alter

[Parent999]

Thats it. I take back all of my previous posts. That guy is just weird.

On a side note, I quite often eat a donut and then spit it back out because I am what I eat and I dont want to be a donut.

[LoafofSellotape]

Ejaculating inside another woman is disloyal but fucking her isn't that's what I thought too before I read the update.

Urghhhhh, grim. Sorry it didn't work out OP.

[LoafofSellotape]

He certainly thinks a lot of himself!

[CinnamonSticks1]

I'm not sad that it didn't work out. I had a feeling that sex would be as far as it went. Possibly even a FWB. We're totally opposite personalities and it was never going to go anywhere serious.

[sheshootssheimplores]

My ex was excellent at controlling his ejaculation for fear of impregnating me but would at least let me finish him off using my mouth.

I always think with sex it takes a good few sessions to see if you’re both compatible. Having sex with my fiancé for the first time was like that Inbetweeners sketch. ‘Did that count?’ No it bloody didn’t!!!!!!! Anyway he’s bloody AMAZING now 🤭

[sheshootssheimplores]

Oh no sorry didn’t read the update.

[sheshootssheimplores]

Onwards and upwards OP, he sounds weird and like he’s trailing a lot of baggage around.