Is it normal to want others

[dailydaze]

I have been so confused lately about whether what I feel is normal, or if it is a sign there is something missing/ wrong with my marriage (and previous relationships).

Is it normal to go through surges of wanting other people, wanting the thrill of the chance, someone new and exciting. The impulse to cheat or find a connection outside of your relationship just for a flutter?

Now, I am not asking if it is ok to cheat, because I haven't and i know its not - but I want to know are these impulses normal? I have been content for years, as if that part of me was completely dormant, and lately I have just been feeling really strong feelings of wanting something new.

I honestly believe that humans aren;t meant to be with just one person, and that what I'm feeling is in some way normal? But no one ever talk about it, so here i am worried about what it means... about me as a person and about my marriage.

Any one else?

When I’ve been in love - I haven’t thought about anyone else. Maybe the spark has worn off for you? Have you settled? How long have you been together?

Yes I think its normal to have the odd impulse but if its strong enough to post about maybe it needs a closer look.
Have you considered talking to your partner about a bit more of an open relationship? in this day and age of sex positive outlooks, you may be surprised.

Everybody is different and no one person’s sexuality is more normal than others. Interplay of love and sexuality also differs.
So - craving sexual experiences with others doesn’t have to have anything with the depth of your love for your partner. It can be on a parallel plane, so to speak. As hard as it is for people not built like that to understand.
Obviously - you can’t control having the desire or not. You can only control what you do about it.

Look up Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity and her other books/talks.
And don’t beat yourself up for how you are built.

The spark has worn off a bit - we have only been married 8 years (together for 11) and we get along well, while not perfect, but there is for a sure a little spark missing. I don't know if that's it though or if i'm destined to go through this cycle. I want to feel content, I don't want to feel like I'm fighting urge or missing out. I'm very confused.

I did actually talk to him to see what what he thought, generally, about an open relationship and he laughed it off. We have no kids.

I think it's normal. My marriage is not a great one and I seldom have the 'what if I were with that other person' pangs, but I do have them from time to time.
I have this with a neighbour of mine whenever our dogs run into each other on walks and we stop to chat. But it's more of a 'his wife is sooo lucky' type of feeling rather than a full-on desire for the guy. He's got a whiffy bum and bad moods like all of us.
We are human and desire is a huge part of what we're about. You're smart enough to know when to dial it back, I imagine. And if it's all-consuming, then you need to listen to that and look at where you're at in your marriage.
I think some people find a soulmate for life. I really do.
I don't think I'm one of those people. I believe in the practice of monogamy but I also believe it's unnatural. In my ideal life, I have 3 partners for different stages of my life. Some of us are lucky to have that one partner who can handle life's seasons and changes alongside our own. In other words, there are couples who really dance together throughout life and can keep up with the timing and the rhythm of their partner. That is a beautiful thing. But it's rare.

I don't know. One of my colleagues is attractive and I quite fancy him - but I'm married so wouldn't even fantasise about an affair. I do think it's normal to find other people attractive even when you're in a committed relationship and I expect a lot of people flirt and think about cheating, even if they don't do it. But I think, if you find yourself thinking about another person too much, you need to take a step back if you respect your spouse.

This is perfectly normal. You've heard of the "7 year itch"?

I also think you can't really expect the same rush or thrill from a relationship thats five or ten years old as you can from a new partner. But if you're lucky, your relationship will have matured and the love and respect and companionship you have with your spouse is better than the rush of a new partner. That's why it's a good idea to chose a partner based on more than just physical attraction - DH and I have loads in common, both in the way we see the world and how we like to spend our time, and we very rarely fall out - while we don't shag 3 times a night like we did in the first months, our love is still really deep and I can't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else for the rest of my life.

I suppose it also depends how much you enjoy dating and what you want to get from dating. I'm very monogamous and wanted to find a long-term partner when dating - it was an ends to a means for me. If dating is the ends itself for you (the meals out, the excitement, the uncertainty, the chase) then a long-term settled relationship may not be as easy.

@TheVanguardSix This was so perfectly put. I too believe in the practice of monogamy, but I also don't think it's natural. I guess I'm just going through something right now and I just hope its not a sign of something more. If I'm on a night out, and a guy hits on me, if we have a connection, I think about what it would be like to cheat, I even think if I could get away with it - but I don't ever follow through because the bottom line is I wouldn't want to hurt my husband or so something to disrespect him. But the fact I even think about it in that way, I just don't know if thats normal.

@StarlingsInSummer thats the odd thing, my dating 'game' has always been to find the right partner. Life partner. Yet here I am, wishing that . i had of got this out of my system when I was young, free and single. Don't get me wrong, I'm only 33 but I am married and I respect that marriage. I'm a monogamous person that is becoming more open, and understanding, to the idea of an open relationship. like you said, losing that thrill is normal and part of a long term relationship, and our marriage isn't perfect but we are very good 'friends' on our marriage which is important I think. I just don't know how to silence this part of me because right now, I am just not content and I wish it would pass.

I spent years as a square peg trying to fit into the round hole of socially sanctioned monogamy. All I know is that in the years I admitted to myself it didn’t work for me (and stopped caring what others thought about it) I’ve been eminently happier and built far better relationships. There’s nothing unsettled about it - I have wonderful, warm, deep emotional and sexual connections with several men and women who I love, respect and madly enjoy being around. I know what? It all feels far more normal and healthy than all the people I know in miserable monogamous relationships trying desperately to make things work because they think they should.

Monogamy doesn’t work for a lot of people. A lot of very good research tells us that around 50% of people admit to having cheated in a relationship at least once and that a substantial proportion more admit they’d cheat if they knew they’d definitely get away with it. What does that demonstrate, if not that it’s more normal than not normal to be attracted to other people even whilst in a relationship?

Does anyone remember that ridiculous saying? "it doesnt matter where you build your appetite, as long as you eat at home"

It might be better to address anything lacking in your relationship. Maybe try having a more serious chat with him, maybe thinking about a fantasy you havent tried and asking him to indulge in it?

@ComtesseDeSpair

Bravo, just bravo. Someone who wants something and goes and makes it happen.

As long as youre not hurting anyone, then why the hell not.

@ComtesseDeSpair so much respect! It is so refreshing to hear of someone being totally true to themselves. I never thought I'd be open to it, society has us brain washed to think the worst thing in the world is that you could possibly want to have sex/ a connection with more than one person. As long as we aren't hurting others, I think its a very mature and natural way of living.

I am polyamorous which means I have several simultaneous intimate relationships and everyone involved consents to that arrangement.

I have a thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/AMA/3662276-Im-polyamorous-ask-me-anything

I think people in exclusive relationships do have desires for other people sometimes - what that means and what they should do about it depends on a variety of factors.

Personally, I don't think people should move towards the kind of relationship I'm in unless they can envisage permitting their partner the same freedom. You'll be surprised how many people want a one-sided arrangement citing their higher sex drive as the reason they should be allowed and their partner not.

How do you even begin to have this conversation with someone who thought they were marrying you, just you, for life? If it goes well, where do you look for the other person? If it goes badly, well, that's the end of that relationship/marriage?
Maybe I could have saved my marriage by having this conversation?

As a man, in my opinion you would have to start off small. Suggest a bit of role play [meeting at a bar and pretending to have a one night stand, hotel and the works]
Maybe even suggesting she flirts with others before going home together. I cant possibly imagine that Id want my wife to be with someone else but over my life Ive tried things I never believed Id like and did. Never say Never. Thankfully I am 100% certain my partner doesnt want this.

I can also tell you this. If my wife tried to suggest something like this, even "IF" I considered it I would still be quite guarded for fear that its maybe a test. Maybe to test if Id cheat etc. Just saying.

Hmm. It's risky to go into this by hinting that group sex or some sort of voyeurism will be a regular feature.

I've had exactly one threesome in my life despite being committed to ethical non-monogamy for years.

Also, it's very hard to find people who are equally into both of you and you're both equally into them. I'm bisexual. My partner is also bisexual. We have completely different types physically and otherwise.

@dailydaze I also think having children may change the way you feel in a long-term relationship. They say having a baby is like chucking a grenade into a relationship, and I really agree with this. A lot of women discover they're married to a total fuckwit/manchild once they have a baby, and end up leaving because they can't face parenting their child and their husband. Others find their partner is a really good father and supporter and provider, and that makes them love them more. I'd never advise a couple to have children to save a relationship, that never works. But I do think being a brilliant father can make a man more appealing as a long-term prospect.

With a lot of animals, they pair up to raise offspring, then separate once the offspring is independent. I think historically, humans have done the same - pair up when young (or when the woman is young) to have kids, then one of them would probably die (childbirth/war/disease) and the other would remarry. So serial monogamy was more the norm. Extremely long marriages would be less usual just because more people died young than they do now. Similarly, marriage was much less romantic and much more transactional in the past - people (or their parents) chose their partners based on long-term compatibility and on financial considerations. If you go into marriage thinking of it as a deal/transaction and hope love will grow, you're not going to be missing a spark after 7 years.

I'll confess when I got together with DH, I didn't feel the same kind of obsessive attraction (or limerance) as I'd felt in the past for boyfriends. We got on very well, and I did fancy him, but I wasn't madly in love straightaway. He was the driver behind the relationship as he was sure I was the one right from the start. But now I think I love him more every day. I suspect that I'd have tired much more quickly of the unsuitable blokes I'd fallen for when I was younger. We also met in our thirties - maybe we'd matured enough by then to have become the adults we're going to be, so we're growing together now, rather growing aparet as we "find" ourselves.

Can you tell I've thought about this subject a lot?!

@toffeeapple123 sometimes I feel like i've settled. Which is sad to admit out loud. I do love my husband, and I met him at a time in my life that he was what I needed (we were young), but sometimes I feel like I'm the carrier and it would be nice to be the one that gets carried sometimes.

I guess I know in my heart there are deeper issues.

Yup, yup, yup to polyamory! For me it has worked since I finished raising my DC and ended my marriage - I did not contemplate it before, too complicated and distracting, therefore unfair on the DC (I was the carrier OP, I know exactly what you mean there). But now, I'm mid-50s and having amazing, close and loving sex with several men, I have my own home and space and I don't think I will ever share these again permanently with anyone. Bliss.

I'd say no, if you're satisfied in your own relationship.

In the short form, I think yes it is normal to ‘want’ other people even when you’re in a loving and happy marriage. There is also a massive difference between wanting and action.

My first ever long term relationship (not DH) was emotionally abusive and when it ended I decided that I did not understand or believe in monogamy as it seemed to cause so much unnecessary pain and jealousy. I then saw a few people and explored relationships that would be deemed as entirely inappropriate to most people (along the lines of huge age gaps etc) Then a couple of years later, out of the blue fell head over heels in love with someone (my now DH). If someone had told me that I’d be married in a traditional monogamous relationship by the time I hit 25 - I would have laughed! My DH is 100% naturally monogamous and has always been really upfront about. Because this overwhelming feeling for him was so strong, I decided I wanted him more than having open relationships.

I love my DH to the end of the earth and we have wonderful DC - but every now and then I long for that in between period where I had the freedom to explore being with whoever I wanted to. And more specifically, I long for one person during that time (he offered to run off into the sunset and have a poly relationship but in reality I was incredibly young and he had a lot of mental health problems at the time). Sometimes he is all I can think about for weeks on end. I used to feel so ashamed for it and try and push it out of my head but all that did was make it worse! In the end I have to just ‘ride out’ those periods and let myself indulge in all the fantasies. I then realised I was getting these moments most when I felt unappreciated by DH and DC (don’t get me wrong, it’s not all the time but as the main care giver it’s inevitable to feel like it!) and my brain was using it as a coping mechanism. I also totally understand the feeling of ‘carrying’ the relationship, it feels like it’s nearly always me that organises date nights and little things to keep the spark to still flicker and that can be very wearing!

Another poster has hit the nail on the head, I believe in the practice of monogamy but I am very aware it is a social construct that has been stamped on our society. Do I feel guilty for fantasising about another person? No. And neither do I feel guilty for enjoying being chatted up by someone on a night out. I am always very open and I say I’m married and they’ll only get a smile and a conversation out of me, but I do like the attention nonetheless!

You can love your OH entirely and happily, yet still feel this way.

Sorry for the totally self indulgent essay, but I mainly wanted to let you know you are not alone in any way! Long term monogamy can be tough and the relationship between deep, meaningful love and sexual desire can be a total battle/juggle at times.

@Convivialmuch Thank you for sharing. I do too enjoy being chatted up and flirting on a night out, and I am always upfront too but I still enjoy it. It is good to know I'm not alone.

I think this has all bloomed from bumping into an old friend on a night out, he knows I'm married and we had a flirt. Then he passed comment on, what could have been.. and since then I have fantasised about exactly that. I've fantasised what it would be like etc. I by no means want to run away with this person, and the person is slightly irrelevant. We just had a bit of a connection, a flirt and I liked it and it has conjured up uncomfortable feelings of wanting outside of my marriage. I hope it goes away soon.

For me, if I ma happy in my relationship. No I dont want anyone else.

The time I was in a relationship and fantasised about being with someone else, it was none in particular (just missing the excitement) and I was starting to realise my marriage wasnt for me. I even thought about suggesting an open marriage.

Now I am with dp, I dont want the chase or the excitement. I am happy with what I have.

Sometimes monogamy isnt for us. Sometimes we start thinking it isnt for us, because we want the safety of the relationship with have built and the life we have built and have the excitement.

I am monogamous, I dont find it hard and have no interest in multiple partners, now I happy in a relationship. I cant believed I ever though an open relationship would work for me.

You will only know wether you are someone that wants an open relationship, genuinely wants it. Or, if like me, it was a way of keeping the stability of marriage and having the excitement when you just really need to end the marriage.

Note I am not saying other people who are happy in open relationships are kidding themseleves. Just that I was.

I know that now, because I cant even believe my thought process at the time.