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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Strange “friendship”! Would you be ok with this or am I overreacting?

39 replies

WhenWillIWakeup · 12/08/2019 20:38

My boyfriend has this weird friendship with another woman, they speak on the phone regularly and text etc... anyway she was asking if she could come (last weekend) visit my boyfriend with her dc (they live far away from each other and she is on holiday at the moment)! I’ve spent the weekend with my boyfriend, so of course she didn’t come! I asked my boyfriend if she had come to see him if she would have stayed in his house with her dc! His answer was yes, but that he would let me know first (yeah right!!)! I went absolutely ballistic that he thinks that’s acceptable. So would you be ok with your boyfriend having a female “friend” staying for a few nights with him in his house? And by the way he never told me any of this I found out myself as read a message!

OP posts:

bigchris · 12/08/2019 21:30

Well how do they know each other? Childhood friends or they met last month?

You're obviously suspicious if you're reading his messages

category12 · 12/08/2019 21:34

What's weird about friends staying at each other's houses?

Do you think men and women can't be just friends?

SallyWD · 12/08/2019 21:35

To be honest I'd be fine with it if I believed my boyfriend didn't fancy her. Both my DH and I have friends of the opposite sex that come and stay. It's not a problem at all.

mamato3lads · 12/08/2019 21:38

If your gut instinct is telling you no, go with that.

I'd be ok IF he told me himself. Which your boyfriend did not.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 12/08/2019 21:42

I'm not bothered if dh has female friends. Is there a reason for you not to trust him?

NotMyRealName123 · 12/08/2019 21:43

Yes. I'd have my friend and DC stay at my house anytime and wouldn't bat an eye about it.

sonjadog · 12/08/2019 21:43

What's weird about their friendship? On the surface it sounds like going "ballistic" is a major overreaction, but maybe there is more to it?

Assuming there is no reason in particular, then on the whole, yes, I would be fine with a boyfriend having a female friend who came to visit. I have male friends who come and visit me. I do not fancy them, they do not fancy me and I can have a man staying in my house without having sex with him. I would however have my doubts about a new partner who was trying to dictate who I could be friends with.

readitandwept · 12/08/2019 21:44

My boyfriend has this weird friendship with another woman, they speak on the phone regularly and text etc...

Weird how? Surely not the speaking on the phone and texting?

How long have they been friends? How long has he been your boyfriend?

You've said nothing so far that makes me think it's unacceptable.

Luckingfovely · 12/08/2019 21:49

Obvs we don't know if there is more backstory, but based on exactly what you said above: he has done nothing wrong, and you are batshit, jealous and over-reacting

Why on earth is it weird that someone talks or texts a friend? Unless you have specific reason to worry that there is more going on, and that you are not telling us...

Original poster

WhenWillIWakeup · 12/08/2019 22:12

She calls him pretty much everyday, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, he calls her too sometimes... I don’t think this is normal. I have, of course, many other reasons to feel pretty suspicious...

OP posts:

Alfiemoon1 · 12/08/2019 22:13

I don’t think it would bother me if they were long term friends if he was being honest and open with you about the friendship and if he had given me no reason to not trust him

If they have been friends a long time they probably have more of a brother sister relationship and have had years to get it on together but haven’t

Tuesday2ndApril · 12/08/2019 22:14

Personally I would not be happy with an arrangement like this.

Alfiemoon1 · 12/08/2019 22:14

It all depends on if there is a back story to this but I don’t think going ballistic is going to solve anything

ThrowThoseCurtainsWide · 12/08/2019 22:14

Are they his kids?

Original poster

WhenWillIWakeup · 12/08/2019 22:17

Well I’ve asked him a few times in the last few weeks, if she had contacted him lately, he told me no, that was a lie! They have been in touch pretty much everyday! They have a huge age difference so there is no brother/sister relationship! They have been friends for only a few years

OP posts:

Original poster

WhenWillIWakeup · 12/08/2019 22:18

The kid is not his

OP posts:

Bluemascara4 · 12/08/2019 22:20

How long has he been your bf?

Trust your instincts . What other reasons are you suspicious about her ?

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 12/08/2019 22:21

She calls him pretty much everyday, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, he calls her too sometimes...

I wouldn't like the constant calls, it suggests that she wants more than just a friendship with him, or at least that's she's a v. needy friend (and that's not great either). I don't call my bff's several times a day, we may text a few times but we've got others things to do with our lives!

The good news is that he's being open with you about it, which suggests that HE doesn't view her romantically. It might be good for you to meet and spend time with her - you should stay at his house while she's there - so that she fully understands that he's in a relationship.

Original poster

WhenWillIWakeup · 12/08/2019 22:21

The constant calls and texts have been bothering me for a while, when I found out that she could come and visit him and stay in his house for a few days I wasn’t happy! He didn’t even tell me this, I found out myself! I know everyone is different and some people are ok with this, but I am not

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 12/08/2019 22:39

I think you'll have to spell it out to him that he's got a choice - carry on like this and get dumped by you, or listen to your concerns and cool off this friendship.

She sounds like a piece of work, I presume she knows he's in a relationship?

Original poster

WhenWillIWakeup · 12/08/2019 22:51

We had a huge argument because of her and it just ruined out weekend! Yes she knows he is in a relationship, she thinks she owns him and thinks he will choose her friendship over our relationship!

OP posts:

Branleuse · 12/08/2019 22:56

I wouldn't be ok with it. Dump him

BumbleBeee69 · 12/08/2019 22:58

Sounds like he's in an emotional relationship with the 'Friend and her kids' to be honest.

I'd bow out.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 12/08/2019 23:01

How long have you been together?

LittleWing80 · 12/08/2019 23:03

What are the other things you are not happy about OP? Are you welcome at his house while she is there? What are the sleeping arrangements?

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