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Relationships

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Original poster

Strange “friendship”! Would you be ok with this or am I overreacting?

39 replies

WhenWillIWakeup · 12/08/2019 20:38

My boyfriend has this weird friendship with another woman, they speak on the phone regularly and text etc... anyway she was asking if she could come (last weekend) visit my boyfriend with her dc (they live far away from each other and she is on holiday at the moment)! I’ve spent the weekend with my boyfriend, so of course she didn’t come! I asked my boyfriend if she had come to see him if she would have stayed in his house with her dc! His answer was yes, but that he would let me know first (yeah right!!)! I went absolutely ballistic that he thinks that’s acceptable. So would you be ok with your boyfriend having a female “friend” staying for a few nights with him in his house? And by the way he never told me any of this I found out myself as read a message!

OP posts:

NobleRot · 12/08/2019 23:08

But you’re the one making it a ‘competition’ between you and someone you’ve never met — it isn’t as though men are only allowed a single woman in their lives at a time.

Being called several times a day by a friend would drive me mad, but then, you don’t have to deal with it. Maybe he likes that much contact — there was a thread on here not too long ago by a woman with school-aged children and whose friend had children at the same school, so they would walk to school all together in the morning, then come back and have coffee in one of their houses after drop-off, then have coffee again on the way to pick-up in the afternoon, after which they would reconvene in one of their houses so the children could play.

Some people thought that was quite normal.

Tigger001 · 12/08/2019 23:20

Yes I would be fine with it, but then I trust my DH ( and did when he was BF)
There no point being together if you dont trust him.

Tigger001 · 12/08/2019 23:21

Oh and if he is lying to you about, chances are, he probably would choose the long standing friendship over you.

Allli · 12/08/2019 23:22

If she’s such a big part of his life, whys she never met his missus, ie you should have been introduced way before now. The fact you haven’t speaks volumes. Ask him why not. If it’s just an innocent friendship after all.....
Somethings not quite right here. Either he has a history with jealous females and doesn’t want to upset the apple cart, or he wants to keep you two apart for some other reason. What could that be? Because he’s been bitching about you to her? Because he’s been with her loads and she’ll mention that to you and then you’ll be angry? Because you will go mental at the woman doing the stay the F away from my man routine and embarrass him? Because they are having an affair and he doesn’t want the wife to meet the girlfriend? Because the boy that isn’t his looks coincidentally identical to him?
Because she may reveal a thank you for the £300 a month youve both been giving her?

Who knows.
I knew pretty much all my bf’s friends with every bf within a year. I made a point of telling them about my male friend and introducing him earlydoors so the new bf knew there was no hankypanky with him as he really was just a friend.
If you ask to meet her and you all go out somewhere for lunch or coffee you will get the measure of the situation better.

readitandwept · 12/08/2019 23:25

If she’s such a big part of his life, whys she never met his missus, ie you should have been introduced way before now.

We don't even know how long OP has been with her boyfriend

Bookworm4 · 12/08/2019 23:28

How does he know her? What’s the history? Does he see her at all?

theministryhasfallen · 12/08/2019 23:57

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 12/08/2019 23:59

Was he friends with her before you got together? Men and women can actually be very, very good friends without it being nothing more than a solid trusting friendship.

Perhaps he doesn't mention her because he knows you'll start screaming and shouting and cause a fight without actually trying to understand anything he has to say.

If you don't trust him, perhaps it's time to reconsider your relationship.

donquixotedelamancha · 13/08/2019 00:07

Yes she knows he is in a relationship, she thinks she owns him and thinks he will choose her friendship over our relationship!

If she said that to you then obviously you should explain the issues to him and ask him to create some distance.

If, however, this is just a description of how YOU feel then you need to ask why you feel this.

No one can really advise about the situation with some context about how long you have been together and who this woman is. For example, I would not like it if a new GF decided she could dictate that I should end a long standing friendship, because of her insecurity.

Speakercube · 13/08/2019 00:09

Calls him 3 or 4 times a day? That's only usual in a couples relationship surely? And then usu only in the initial stages. Either he's not telling the truth and theyre in a relationship of sorts or she's very needy or in love with him. Whichever it doesn't look good. He's lied anyway you said and you don't trust him. Hard but I think I'd be out of that like a shot. He needs to cut ties with her and put you first. Tbh though if you have to give an ultimatum it's not worth it. Sorry.

Speakercube · 13/08/2019 00:10

Friends don't call each other this frequently-- think about it...

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 13/08/2019 00:17

@speakercube You cannot account for every single friendship in the world and make such blank statements, many friendships have different dynamics and they still remain simply friends. It is not that unusual for friends to contact each other every day or speak often, and being the opposite sex should not change that either.

They could very well be very good friends who do enjoy each other's company and just generally staying in touch.

Skittlenommer · 13/08/2019 00:28

So would you be ok with your boyfriend having a female “friend” staying for a few nights with him in his house?

I’d have no problem with this if they were genuinely friends but I would take issue with 3-4 calls per day! That’s pretty excessive!

Skittlesandbeer · 13/08/2019 01:02

I’m with Allli above, assuming this is a boyfriend of more than a few months.

I’d expect any friend (m or f) coming to visit would involve some sort of ‘meet the partner’ narrative, with all three in conversation about it. It’s normal to want to introduce an exciting new relationship, right? It’s normal for friends to be curious to meet the new partner, right?

Where is all this ‘normal’ interaction in this situation? Nowhere. It’s secretive, excluding and the level of contact is excessive.

Of course everyone is allowed friends. But a partner with such a comprehensive emotional relationship with someone I’ve not met, and who doesn’t want to meet me? After a few months I’d expect to be getting more priority in his day than this. She must know she’s trouble-making, and is apparently fine with that?

Nope-ity nope.

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