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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ended it so why do i feel like shit...

46 replies

Winona45 · 12/08/2019 18:37

30 year marriage over.
We'd drifted apart massively. Hadn't done anything as a couple for years.
He didnt work due to chronic illness and now mental health issues have kicked in.
Im not in love with him anymore and i asked him to leave.

So why am i so sad ? I feel dreadful for him and me. He wants to come home desperate and is saying all the right things. It would be so much easier to say yes then to have the horrible tearful conversations we are having about packing his things and how he can collect them.
I know it's for the best. We were so unhappy. We were so apart. I couldn't be affectionate with him, i had to be drunk to sleep with him Blush.

Why do i feel so bad? I've turned everyone's life upside down because of me. What if im making a mistake??

OP posts:
Crossfitwidow · 12/08/2019 18:44

It's perfectly natural to be sad. The feeling will pass, you just need to focus on you right now. Life is short, do you really want this to be the rest of your life? Okay you might make things a bit awkward for a while and people might not agree but everyone will adjust in time. This is your life and you deserve happiness. Be strong!

Original poster
Winona45 · 17/09/2019 12:17

Its now been 12 weeks since we split and I feel worse not better. I miss him all the time. I worry about him all the time.
He was angry and spiteful for a few weeks, threatening me all sorts but that has now disappeared and hes broken and crying instead.
Hes stopped calling and texting me, stopped seeing the kids, says he needs time to sort himself out and get himself together.

He's basically told me he can't live without me and has nothing. He is right in a way. I'm in the house with the kids while he is at his mums with no prospect of getting out as he's registered disabled with no job.

I just cannot work out my own mind. I was so unhappy for such a long time but this seems to be worse ?
Im seeing a counsellor for the second time tommorrow and im hoping she can help me figure things out as I really do feel so confused and unhappy right now.
What is wrong with me ??

OP posts:
floodypuddle · 17/09/2019 12:26

Did you try counselling together before your split?

category12 · 17/09/2019 12:28

It's really not been long, and he's laying on the guilt trips, so I wouldn't change course at this time. It sounds like you're unhappy because of guilt, not because you miss him. But you don't owe him the rest of your life, you've done your time.

Give the counselling a chance and stay out of contact with him. Get out and do things you enjoy, try some new activities.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/09/2019 12:32

I've turned everyone's life upside down because of me
No OP - you've made a brave decision and you are now GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK!!
You feel sad because you are a decent human being.
You were with this man for 30 years.
You may not be in love with him anymore but the caring for him part of you doesn't just stop when you end things.
It's just not how our feelings and emotions work.

This is going to take time OP.
Lots of time.
3 months is nothing at all.
If you want to put a time limit on it (there isn't one by the way) then it's about 1 month per year you were together.
So well over 2 years before you start to feel like you again.
Of course it could and probably will be quicker than that but don't rush this.
You are grieving.
It's a long process.
You have many stages to go through yet.

Keep up with the counselling. Things get worse before they get better so don't expect miracles.
Take each day at a time right now.

By the way - there is nothing wrong with you.
You wanted out of a shit relationship and a miserable life.
You've done the hard bit.
Now it's about building YOU back up again.
Finding who you are.
You've been looking out and caring for and carrying this man for so long you've no idea who you are.
You'll find yourself though.
And it's freeing and liberating.

You KNOW you've done the right thing.
Just keep reading back your post.
What would your advice be to a friend of one of your DC????

cakeandchampagne · 17/09/2019 12:37

Your counselor can help you sort the past 30 years (good & bad) and what might have been- and help you move forward with your life. Flowers

YesSheCan · 17/09/2019 12:43

I think I remember your previous thread, in which, from your description, it seemed your husband has been taking the piss for years, opting out of family life, using his illness as an excuse for doing nothing. And he became very manipulative. You now feel awful because he is laying a big guilt trip on you. It's up to you whether you take him back but I'd really recommend continuing with therapy - dealing with the guilty feelings is really hard but it doesn't mean you aren't doing the right thing.

Original poster
Winona45 · 17/09/2019 20:33

Thanks all. Yes that was me YesSheCan and that is how he was. It's so confusing to me that i imagined him gone and me starting again and used to dream about it and yet in reality im really struggling.

Annoyingly my counselor has cancelled my session for tomorrow too.
Had a couple of texts today too after a few days of no contact asking if he can come to the house to get more things if he feels well enough to drive!
Also hes been sending sad messages to the kids apologising for being " a not good enough dad" and apologising for not taking them out and how horrible his illness is etc.
Its so confusing for them Sad

OP posts:
Otterhound · 17/09/2019 20:53

As you are the one ending why is he the one that had to leave?

Original poster
Winona45 · 17/09/2019 21:04

As you are the one ending why is he the one that had to leave?

Because we live in rented accommodation. Because he hasnt worked or earnt any money for 15 whole years. Because he hasnt contributed and continues to not contribute to the upkeep of his 3 children. Because he couldn't look after them alone longterm.
Because he became so severely paranoid he is under the care of a mental health team who have diagnosed him with a paranoid psychosis.

I think they are valid reasons but yes i feel guilty about that too.

OP posts:
Otterhound · 17/09/2019 21:12

That Sounds perfectly valid to me, it was a question not an accusation Smile

HoneyWheeler · 17/09/2019 21:15

Your brain has formed neurological pathways that associate home and family with that one person. You've been doing it for 30 years and it takes a while for your brain to physically readjust and make new connections. It will happen. It just takes time. Give yourself lots of grace, be kind to yourself!

Basil90 · 17/09/2019 21:18

You talk about counselling - have you tried going together? To couple's counselling?

Original poster
Winona45 · 17/09/2019 21:31

No i must admit we haven't been together. He is currently under the care of a psychiatrist. I dont think for one second he would attend couples counselling tbh.

OP posts:
Rachelover60 · 17/09/2019 21:37

Of course you're sad, you were together a very long time and he is an indelible part of your life.

You separated for good reasons so please don't go back on that; no reason why you cannot see him and give him some moral support/friendship if you think it would help him. However you must get on with your own life, in time you'll feel happier.

It's a very sad situation all round.
Flowers

eladen · 17/09/2019 22:29

Joint therapy with someone who has a track record of manipulation and threats would be dangerous. No reputable therapist would countenance it.

You feel miserable because of grief and because he's manipulating your emotions and using your children as a weapon to hurt you by causing them distress. (You don't even seem to think it's odd you're contemplating a relationship with someone who's been threatening and manipulating you? I do think you need support to remodel your concept of a healthy relationship.)

12 weeks is a pretty natural point to wobble about making a mistake. You're deep in grief, things are still raw and difficult, you've had months of manipulative attempts to undermine your decision, and all the reasons you made the decision are less raw so it's easy to start minimising and rewriting history.

Not quite the same as my situation was a bit different, but I too had been dreaming about how wonderful life would immediately be as soon as the relationship ended. I wasn't prepared for the shock and grief and mindgames. I was gutted my dreams felt even further out of reach. I had my own "maybe I've made a terrible mistake" wobble, but am so glad people talked me down.

It gets better. It really does. You just have to stick with it and firmly remind yourself you did the right thing. Because you clearly did.

Original poster
Winona45 · 18/09/2019 09:13

@eladen thank you so much. Ive re-read your second paragraph to me about 10 times. You are absolutely right and that has really resonated with me!

We haven't spoken since the last lot of text messages on Saturday. They were all full of grief, regrets and promises.
Last night however i received a call from a family member who had spent the evening with him. He basically spent the evening calling me a cold hearted bitch, saying how ive destroyed a family, wasted 25 years of his life, how he wants to dna the kids as im clearly a liar, how he intends clearing the house of the tv and furniture, and how I'll never see a penny from him.
Now i understand he might be making himself hate me to get through this but thats so at odds with what hes saying to me its disturbing

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 18/09/2019 09:35

Just because he's not well doesn't mean he's a nice person underneath it all. Disabled people are just people, and some people are just not pleasant. Most can do a good act for a while to get what they want. (Though the mask has slipped in front of your relative. Did he really think you don't talk to each other?)

Amazing how he's spent 30 years behaving how he pleased, but now you're leaving him suddenly it's all going to be different - why? How? (Clue: no, it's not.) I like that you've wasted years of his life, and yet he still wants to get back with you. Less amazing that you'll never see a penny from him given that he doesn't earn any Hmm None of it makes sense, so try not to give it head space. Just sort out the practicalities when you can and give him his due share of whatever you owned between you - due doesn't necessarily mean half, take into account who has to look after the DC etc - so he can't in all fairness say he was shafted, although he probably will anyway. But your conscience will be clear and your life will be a lot simpler.

redastherose · 18/09/2019 09:38

Unfortunately, what he told the family member is probably precisely what he actually feels. He is trying to manipulate you so is telling you what he thinks you want to hear to enable him to work his way back into your life and home where he would very shortly return to acting exactly how he always did. Please don't give in and listen to him. Counselling will make all the difference. If your Counsellor isn't the right one for you find one you like and feel comfortable with. I did 12 weeks of counselling after my 26 year marriage (28 years together) ended it made a tremendous difference. Also pp's are right it took me at least 18 months to start feeling truly myself.

Original poster
Winona45 · 18/09/2019 10:16

Thank you all.
Can i ask one more question please ? He has beem diagnosed with paranoid psychosis and potential schizophrenia from his mental health team and is on medication. This is all quite new ie since i asked him to leave, as his paranoia and mental state was not suitable for the children to be around
Do you think it could be his mental health or even his medication thats making him behave this way?
I suppose im struggling because he's been diagnosed with a serious illness and ive literally left him alone to deal with it.
Eurgh. Its such a confusing situation.
Thank you.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/09/2019 13:27

Your sense of guilt and obligation toward him is hugely over-developed. He is trying to manipulate you into taking him back, but he is quite vicious about you the rest of the time. Go low to no contact with him.

You're not a therapist, you're not a doctor, you can't cure what ails him. Your support over the years may have actually been enabling him, and co-dependence, rather than beneficial. He needs to take responsibility for his own mental and physical health. No one else can do that for him.

Original poster
Winona45 · 18/09/2019 18:29

Yes everyone is telling me my feelings of guilt are too much. It just feels unnatural to me to not be there supporting, helping or aiding him. As mentioned upthread ive become massively codependent and i dont want to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winona45 · 19/09/2019 19:19

So today i recieved a phone call. First one in a while. On the pretext of asking to collect things that i have packed in suitcases for him.
He proceeded to break down and tell me i have destroyed and broken him. That he will never and can never be happy without me.
How im heartless because i " threw him out when he was ill and needed me most".
I was quite calm and funnily enough repeated some of the advice given here upthread .
He's so so sad but making just ridiculous suggestions. No thoughts about seeing or paying for the children but then telling me he cant bear to be a part time dad! No mention of practical steps to get out of his mothers as he hates it there, he still hasn't applied for benefits hes entitled to. Its just so frustrating he cannot help himself!!
When I pointed out that i wasn't responsible for his happiness he truly thinks im wrong,:saying we've been together for 25 years its wrong for me to walk away.
Im honestly starting see him like a child!

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 19/09/2019 19:28

It sounds as though he's just throwing his problems at you in the hope that you will do what you did for those 25 years - solve them for him and enable him to do as little as possible about his problems, whilst you work yourself into a frenzy trying to keep everyone happy.

His problems are his to solve. Not yours. You are not responsible for them or for him, only he can sort himself out.

category12 · 19/09/2019 19:45

It's good that you're seeing through him more.