I ended it so why do i feel like shit...

[Winona45]

30 year marriage over.
We'd drifted apart massively. Hadn't done anything as a couple for years.
He didnt work due to chronic illness and now mental health issues have kicked in.
Im not in love with him anymore and i asked him to leave.

So why am i so sad ? I feel dreadful for him and me. He wants to come home desperate and is saying all the right things. It would be so much easier to say yes then to have the horrible tearful conversations we are having about packing his things and how he can collect them.
I know it's for the best. We were so unhappy. We were so apart. I couldn't be affectionate with him, i had to be drunk to sleep with him .

Why do i feel so bad? I've turned everyone's life upside down because of me. What if im making a mistake??

Today's call is him asking me again if we're over. Alternating between being upset and angry. Wanting his things , constantly texting about wanting his things but not getting them as he doesn't feel physically able.
He's asked for my rings back and also requested our bed back so he can burn it.
He's then switched to being upset because ive abandoned him. He loved me and would never abandon me .
Then moving on to how he has no intention of seeing the kids for several months because he needs to get his shit together. Despite the fact they are asking after him.

Im mainly documenting this as its helpful for me to have a record.
Im so so tired.

Have you considered blocking him for a while? Tell him to communicate via email and give yourself a break.

Today hes called crying and devastated. Told me he cant live without me, cant get better without me. Says he is cutting ties with the children as he cant cope.
Ive asked him not to call again.

He does realise that he still has to pay for them, whether he sees them or not, doesn't he? He might just be trying to wriggle out of making any financial contribution ('I'm not going to pay for kids she won't let me see!' Oldest line in the book).

Tell him to email in future. It might stop these dramatic outbursts (which are designed to make you feel sorry for him and take him back). This neediness sounds most unappealing.

He isn't going to pay for them. He hasn't had a job for 15 years. Ive financially supported him. I dont think paying for them occurs to him.

If not paying for his own kids (even by getting a part time job of some kind, or working from home) hasn't even occurred to him, then you are well rid of him. Sounds like he's more upset that his meal ticket is withdrawing support than he's actually missing you.

Mind you, the unwanted end of a 25year relationship can produce some extreme behaviour in the short term. So I'd take all that with a pinch of salt iiwy.

Sounds like you've been his carer/parent. Well done for standing up to him and staking out your independence.

Hold on, you'll get there.

So its been a difficult week. He has hounded me constantly asking for the kids at christmas.
He wants to pin me down for specific dates and times.

Yesterday was partculary hard as I felt really guilt tripped and spent most of the day crying. Telling me how he loves me and all he wanted wa smy help but I have turned my back on him and left him alone with his illness.
His messages are so confusing. Alternating between being angry and still declaring he wants to be with me.
Hes also sent crappy messages to the kids telling them he never wanted to leave and its all my fault etc.
Luckily I had a good chat with them about it and its all been taken with a pinch of salt.

Today he messages me asking me if I want him to have the kids over the weekend as its my birthday weekend, that way I can go out and have fun.
Reading between the lines its obvious what he's getting at.
He then mentions the fact that this is the forst birthday weve been apart in 25 years.
I want to reply that even if he were still here, we wouldnt have done anything, wouldnt have gone anywhere. He never took me out or anything !

I might also add that we are now at 13 weeks and he still hasnt left the house. Not one step.
4 weeks and he hasnt seen the kids.
THEY have asked to see him this weekend and he has agreed but will not pick them up, they have to get a bus or cab !!

I may sound ill informed here, but given his diagnosis, state of mind and behavior, is it safe for him to have the children unsupervised?

I think you have done the right thing.

Op, block his number, and tell him contact is now through email only. You don't need to put up with the constant bombardment.

I asked my (now ex) husband to leave last October. We'd grown apart and we hadn;t been getting along for a LONG time. I was the only wage earner and he was just an unhappy presence in the house. I remember driving home from helping him move into his new place in January (3 months after the break up) and howling my head off in the car because I missed him. We'd had a good day, I had so wanted to just hide in his arms and pretend everything was ok. It was so hard everyday being the one driving the divorce, reassuring the kid and generally being "ok" about it all.
The initial feeling after he left for a week was like living in a thick fog. Then I spent time being angry, sad, confused, relieved, joyful in one big mix but after a couple of months I thought it was lifting until that car journey. I was sad we'd broken up, I missed the man I married. Some days now I still miss the man I married.

It took another month for that "are you sure you didn't make a mistake" feeling to lift. By that point we were deep into divorce paperwork. I just kept telling myself that I hadn't ended things on a whim and that I had been unhappy enough to jump off this bridge - the least I could do is keep going until I got to the bottom in the hope the parachute would evenutally open.

By end of March I felt a lot better. At the start of June I tried internet dating. I wasn't looking for anything serious - just wanted to feel like a person again and not an automaton. In July I met a guy. He is still a part of my life now. Not sure what sort of a part, still early days, but I like him and he seems to like me. A little bit of me is still sad for the marriage that didn't work out and I still feel a bit guilty about breaking up my DD and my Hs family but I am SO SO much happier and is DD. I don't know whether H is but it is not longer my job to make him happy.

You've jumped off the bridge, the parachute will eventually open, just have faith.

He’ll be alright. He’ll meet someone else soon then he’ll leave you alone. Be fine

Oh and block his calls. Give him an email address to send emails to and then only read them once per week at a time you control. Tell him if they aren't about making firm arrangements to see the kids you won't read them. If you get past the first line and it's not about the kids then delete it.

Another week has passed.
He appears to have had a miraculous recovery.
He's been out of the house after 13 weeks. He's picked the kids up and taken them out. He's taking them out this weekend again, he's bought new clothes.
Hes been to see friends. All of the paranoid thoughts seem to have lifted.
But more then that hes now doing more then he EVER did when we were together!!!!
He hasnt worked for 15 years due to chronic illness, we haven't had a holiday together or night out or even a bloody day out AT ALL in 6 years. And all of a sudden he can do all this ??
I have exhausted myself, run myself into the ground on the premise that he has a physical illness and cant work or do anything.
I dont know how to feel now!!
He's doing all the things i wanted him to do !!
Why did it come to this ??

Hes also still texting me either asking for another chance or telling me I've ruined the kids lives by splitting the family.

I feel permanently sick, anxious and panicky. No longer know if ive done the right thing. Im a mess.

So he's been playing you for a fool for years? And you wonder if you should now have him back because he's taken the kids out for once? You'd be right back to how it was if you took him back. You've been too long as his carer and enabler and seem trapped in that mindset.

Mariana has it!
He's taken you for a fool for years and years.
And you wonder if you've done the right thing!?
OP... read that back! What a fucking cunt he is.
You've been proper mugged off!
Time to get angry. Very very angry!

It’s amazing what you can do when you have no choice... my ex had not been able to work for 8 years when we split due to his anxiety and depression. He got a job 4 months after we split and is still employed full time 8 months later. At first I was annoyed that it took my dumping him
To get him moving. Now I’m just grateful I don’t have to keep providing for him.

He's attempting to show you he's capable of change but in doing so he's proved he's actually been capable of doing it for all these years! But he's chosen instead not to, instead letting you run yourself into the ground and become an exhausted zombie. What a grade A piece of sh!te. You've made the right choice, OP. You need to start getting angry.

Well im still going.
He has been gone 15 weeks now.
I feel worse not better.
Im having counselling once a week to try and sort my head out.
He doesnt really contact me anymore except for the odd passive aggressive text asking for his things.
He has been back to the psychiatrist who has increased his anti pyschotics. He's stil telling anyone who will listen that I have ruined his life and abandoned him when he most needed me.

The problem is. I believe it.
I think I am so damaged by this relationship that has gone on over half my life.
I think about him sonstantly. I cant seem to get angry over the fact he is now in receipt of a lot of benefits, spalshing out on himself but not paying me a penny.
I cant seem to get angry that hes taken the kids to cinema and bowling but thats all I ever wanted us to do as a family.
I just feel guilt.
And worry.

I am so fed up with myself I dont know how to cope anymore.
I am daily regeretting my decision which is stupid !!!#
I'm a mess...............

You can't sacrifice your mental health for anybody else.
If he's going out and doing the things you always wanted him to do but he wouldn't/couldn't, you've done him a favour.

You need to focus on you and your children. You've worried about him for way too long.