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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wont talk

46 replies

user1499288566 · 12/08/2019 15:43

Has anyone been with someone who just cannot talk or communicate feelings ,and normally end up kicking off when you try

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 12/08/2019 15:46

Yes but we are now divorced. I could not live with it anymore. I think you know this can't continue.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/08/2019 16:03

Well if you have no ties to this person and no DC then what's the point?
How does this person 'kick off' exactly?

gemh1984 · 12/08/2019 16:41

Yes I'm divorcing him - if I talked about having emotions I was starting an argument.

Not worth it, much happier now

Original poster
user1499288566 · 12/08/2019 17:31

He kicks off if I Touch on feelings, if I'm low or down over something ,if I talk to him about something I don't agree with ,anything that int a joke convo that involves a sit down basically. I'm looked at like I'm starting, or picking fight or going on ,why do I keep moaning, doing his head in etc. So nothing gets resolved ,nothing is discussed

OP posts:
Thatsalovelycuppatea · 12/08/2019 20:01

Yes. Like last night for example. He lied to me about some money his parents gave him, I found out from my dd. But when I try to discuss it he gets angry and insists he didn't lie.

Original poster
user1499288566 · 12/08/2019 20:08

Why are they like it ,do you think they will always be like that

OP posts:
PorterBella · 12/08/2019 20:10

Yep, they'll always be like it. I speak from experience.

user1471504234 · 12/08/2019 20:46

He won’t change. Cut your losses. I’m speaking from experience.

Original poster
user1499288566 · 12/08/2019 20:48

Did you still love them when you walked away

OP posts:
RLEOM · 12/08/2019 21:49

If they were raw and damaging emotions, he wouldn't open up and would get in a mood. I ended up walking out on him 8 months ago and he's never spoken about it since (we have a 10 month old), so we've both had no closure. He's just gone along and swept it all under the carpet in the form of a rebound relationship. 👍

Dinks66 · 12/08/2019 21:51

I'm also getting divorced from such a man.

madcatladyforever · 12/08/2019 21:54

I'm divorced from one. You simply cannot have a relationship with such a person. It's a relationship killer.

Passmealargewine · 12/08/2019 21:56

Another one here divorcing a man just like it. Its exhausting & frustrating to live with a man like that & in my experience they dont change

Original poster
user1499288566 · 12/08/2019 22:08

I also have a 6 year old with him, so I do worry that will make moving on worse. It's never as good as just closing the door on it. It worried me, don't want to see him and keep thinking I was wrong or just depressed, sounds weak I know

OP posts:
Simonfromharlow · 12/08/2019 22:16

Yes and we're now getting divorced. He had issues in the relationship but didn't communicate then to me until it was too late.

Giraffey1 · 12/08/2019 22:25

My h’s inability to talk rationally and calmly about things is one of the many reasons we are splitting up. He could never cope with me having a different view to him and took everything so personally. I ended up not saying anything at all as I hated the resulting confrontation that inevitably ensued. I eventually exploded and told him I’d had enough and wanted a divorce. Not the best way to end a relationship.... but I’d had enough of my walking on eggshells existence.

Original poster
user1499288566 · 12/08/2019 22:37

I too walk on eggshells and hold back, its vile, and kind of changes you as a person bottling everything up inside

OP posts:
gemh1984 · 13/08/2019 07:06

It's very difficult being with someone who won't express an emotion and won't allow you to express any emotions.
It's like a whole part of the relationship is missing. I tried for 4 years to make it work but there was no way he would change his approach even though he could see I was struggling.

It does change you being with someone like that but it does get much better once you don't have to deal with it on a daily basis.

Sidge · 13/08/2019 08:55

Yes I divorced him.

Good communication is a bedrock of a healthy relationship. I wish I’d seen the warning signs before I’d married him.

However my ex just didn’t talk at all, he would walk away. Your partner sounds like he’s a bully. Kicking off? Nope. No way.

Leave before it destroys you.

Elizabethane · 13/08/2019 11:18

You can't have a relationship with someone who won't relate.
My DH is the same. I post on MN all the time about things he does or says as I'm a big communicator and I feel so oppressed when he won't discuss any thing with me.

The frustrating thing is, most of the advice I get from MN is "talk to him."

I have now resolved to doing my own thing and having zero expectations of DH. As a result, our "relationship" is now dying. My automatic response is to rush to save things, but I have to keep pulling myself back again to remind myself that DH won't contribute to saving it.

I'm not sure he has any idea that we are falling apart infront of his eyes, despite us now sleeping in seperate rooms and spending no time together.

Buzziebeebie · 13/08/2019 17:54

Elizabethane, if it helps I am in the same situation. They really must send them on a secret training scheme. I have made the same decision as you, nice one!

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 13/08/2019 17:56

Yes and they were all narcissists. Normal people don't do this

Buzziebeebie · 13/08/2019 18:02

Sorry OP. Didn't finish! My life has been harder than it needed to be, not only because of his terrible communication skills but also the fact that the rest of his family are similar. And honestly, I should have left long ago.

Iamenough · 13/08/2019 18:12

I was in an 8 yr relationship with someone like this!! Hoping wishing he'd change... that day never came. Bit by bit my confidence shaved away, until I moved out, changed jobs and met someone else. Am so glad he is no longer in my life. Please put yourself 1st also think of the impact he is having on your DS.

Buzziebeebie · 13/08/2019 20:02

Lameenough is right, seize the nettle x.

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