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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my husband a dick?

34 replies

Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 13:35

I don't know where to start. I've been married for 10 years plus and have two lovely dcs. Mu husband has changed though. He isn't the same man I married and I don't know what to do about it. My previous relationship was abusive so I know all about that, but I am starting to get the feeling that he his ebbing in that direction. It's little things. Undermining my self-confidence. I have had MH issues for a few years and he has been hugely supportive during that time, but now I feel (shakily) back on my feet he has started really talking down at me. I feel like such a failure. I can't keep the house clean enough for him. He expects me to go to the gym all the time to lose all the weight I gained through being on certain meds. I know I am overweight and not slim like when he married me but I am doing my best with dieting. I still suffer social anxiety and being a fat person in the gym does not help so I have found myself lying to him saying I have gone when I haven't as I couldn't face it. I'm not depressed anymore I'm miserable though.Yesterday we got back from holiday and he had a massive blow up and wouldn't speak to me for two hours(in front of the children) because he found some sweets hidden at the back of the cupboard that I give them as a Friday treat and some ice-cream in the freezer. He accused me of giving them sweets and ice-cream every day (which I don't) and said I was ruining their health. Actually, I try and cook nice homemade food for them, and then for him again when he gets back from work but he won't believe me.I have zero self esteem.I know it doesn't sound like much but I guess it's just a culmination of criticisms every day about how I should be doing things. Nothing is ever good enough. I dress oddly. I don't discipline the children, the house is a mess etc etc. Basically, I am not as neat and tidy as his mother. God it all sounds a bit pathetic I know but it's making me feel down and unnerved. I think he is turning into a bully. And my children can see it. Help?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 13:36

God, sorry that was a very long post!

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 12/08/2019 13:38

Yes it looks like he is.

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 12/08/2019 13:42

How long did you wait after your abusive relationship before starting this one? There seems to be a pattern forming for you. Ignoring it won't make it go away and very few abusive men (less than 1%) can ever change. I have just left mine.

Original poster
Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 13:43

I thought he might be Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 13:44

I jumped from one to the next. Bugger.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/08/2019 13:44

God it all sounds a bit pathetic
Nope - it sounds fucking exhausting and soul destroying!!!!
He is being abusive.
If he wants a clean house, why can't he clean it?
Why do you have to live up to HIS standards?
Who made him god?
Why are you listening to him?
You seem to be living in a dictatorship.
Why would you put up with that?
It must be a horrible atmosphere for your DC.
Imagine what it's like for them. Watching their DF put down their DM all the time. Watching you become a shell of your old self.
He is trying to change you.

By the way, exercise in only 10-20% of your weight loss journey.
It's all about the diet to start with.
And you don't need a gym.
An evening walk will be just as beneficial.
Fresh air and exercise.

Stop listening to him - please.
Get yourself onto the Womens Aid Freedom Programme and start to free yourself and your life of abuse.

Time to show your DC that you don't put up with this kind of shit.
Not from anyone.
Show them how strong you are.

Talith · 12/08/2019 13:44

Yes he does sound like a bully. Maybe get a notepad and every time he says something critical I'd write it down, and then present him with it after a week or two. It'll make excellent evidence too if you decide to separate and divorce.

He's being very rude, and disrespectful and unkind. You deserve better. People like this get worse if they're permitted, give them an inch and they'll take a mile. If you can possibly nip it in the bud he might remember you're his wife not an emotional punchbag but the longer you leave it unfortunately it'll just be the way things are - perhaps that's where you are. I'm sorry OP, it sounds miserable for you.

Talith · 12/08/2019 13:44

And yes, he's a dick.

MrsMozartMkII · 12/08/2019 13:45

He sounds an awful drain to live with. Why does he think he has the right to have a go at you about such things?

HeavenlyEyes · 12/08/2019 13:48

You don't need evidence to present to him - if you are miserable just leave him. You don't need to prove to him that he is a bully.

ScatteredMama82 · 12/08/2019 13:50

@Mitzicoco that's horrible :( I'm sorry he's treating you this way. Does he offer any kind of solution when he says these things? I'm not sticking up for him as I'm not there, but when you say you have anxiety and MH issues I wonder if you are hearing more negativity than there is? Like, does he say 'there's loads needing done around the house, shall we blast it together tomorrow morning?' or 'I know you want to lose some weight, would it help if I watched the kids so you had more time to go the gym?' From my DH, these things would be perfectly reasonable and not meant as a criticism and I wouldn't take them that way, but I can see how they might SOUND critical if you are already feeling fragile.

Although, not talking to you for 2 hours about some sweets is pretty ridiculous and there's no excusing that!

Original poster
Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 13:51

I have no idea. He wasn't like this when we married.

OP posts:
Tooner · 12/08/2019 13:54

You've been through this before so recognise the signs.

Perhaps he quite liked it when your mental health wasn't too good and he had a bit of control over you with the 'support' he was giving. Now you are stronger he doesn't like it so is trying to bring you down again?

If you think this could be it then you need to get away from this man.

Original poster
Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 13:55

HI SactteredMama82

He does, in fact offer to look after the kids while I go to the gym at the weekend. But this will be after we have been on a long walk/bike ride and he wants to sleep on the sofa.

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 12/08/2019 14:02

Is my husband a dick?

No, he’s an abusive dick!!!!

Original poster
Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 14:10

And we don't have sex anymore. I've tried bringing it up with him but he says he is too tired. We used to have sex all the time. I know things change when you have dc but NO SEX AT ALL.

OP posts:
GoldenHoops · 12/08/2019 14:16

He's the one thats being dick, so tell him/demand that he leaves. Why should you and the children leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/08/2019 15:07

So he wants to sleep after the exercise but he expects you to do more exercise????
Wow - OP.
Surely you can see this for what it is now?

May be a rude question, but how overweight are you?

I'd also be very suspicious of the no sex thing now.
Has his routine changed much recently?
Would there be any reason why he would be too tired now when he wasn't before?
If not then he needs to see a GP and tackle it.

There's a lot going on here OP.
Try to tackle one thing at a time.

1st thing I would tackle would be getting rid of him!
As quickly as possible.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/08/2019 15:09

Yup, I think it’s safe to say, he’s a dick

SunSeaLust · 12/08/2019 15:12

Sounds like he's checked out of the marriage a long time ago. What a disgusting way to treat the woman you share your life with. OP you deserve better, you can't have your children grow up around this behaviour surely?

Original poster
Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 15:25

@hellsbellsmelons
I'm about 10 stone. I was 8 stone when he married me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 15:30

I have a history of anorexia

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/08/2019 15:34

10 stone? Even if you're really short that's only just over a healthy BMI. He's an arse.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 12/08/2019 15:38

I would also be willing to bet that his nasty side was always there but because he was differently/less abusive than your ex you didn't see it. My DH compliments me on my appearance but has never ever once "approved" it if that makes sense. Has your DH always preferred to see you looking a certain way or has it really come out of the blue?

Original poster
Mitzicoco · 12/08/2019 15:48

No,it hasn't come out of the blue :(
I made a real effort to look nice when we first started seeing each other and lost quite a bit of weight. I guess at heart I'm a bit steampunk but he's very conservative.
What bothers me is that he knows damn well I have issues with weight as I see a therapist for this (and ptsd) but will still mention it :(
God how crap is that.

OP posts:
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