Cheated on husband

[realornot]

As the subject says, i recently cheated on my husband on a rare night out. I got drunk (but knew what I was doing) and bumped into a guy I knew from my late teens. We chatted about old times, and started to make the walk home together. He confessed he had always liked me but had never told me when we were younger. He then kissed me and I responded. We kissed a lot, passionately - but I didn't let it get any further. I feel horrendous, sick to my stomach and feel beyond guilty and disgusted. I would never set out to do this and I honestly don't know why I did.

Our marriage has been going through a very... dull patch for the past 9 months. We aren't very intimate and honestly behave more like room mates sometimes. I think I got caught up on feeling wanted by a man, as I don't typically attract a lot of attention, nor do I go looking for is. I can't deny it was thrilling... but I should be better than that. I am scared about what it might mean in the bigger picture.

in the cold light of day... I feel dreadful, sick with worry that my husband will find out. I can't tell him - he would absolutely lose it and I actually don't think I would be safe to tell him. We don't have a violent relationship but he for sure has a bad temper that I don't fully trust.

I guess I don't no what I'm looking for here, other than getting it off my chest. The guy has promised he won't tell anyone but at the end of the day, he has nothing to lose and I do.

Any words of wisdom are welcome. Does this guilty feeling ever go away?

Nope, not really. The guilt you feel will stay there forever - it's our punishment for our transgressions. And it will pop up every so often when you're not expecting it, and you think you've forgotten about it.

Do you think you can trust the other guy to keep schtum? I've advocated other places to not tell if it genuinely is a one off and a wake up call to work on your relationship, but it will be much worse if your DH finds out later from someone else.

Finally, I'd suggest you go to see a counsellor on your own, and try and work out why you've acted the way you have. There's a lot of cognitive dissonance in infidelity, especially if you generally think of yourself as a good person, and don't want to actually hurt your other half. I found it really helpful, if painful. Confessing it out loud to a real person is really different to writing it down to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

@CursedDiamond thank you for the response, i really appreciate it. I know our marriage isn't perfect, and it has been sexless for the last 8 months now (lack of interest from both sides), but I never, ever seen this coming.

I trust the other not to say anything, but it still makes me nervous because I really don't think the best outcome in this scenario is that my husband finds out. I don't want to do it again, and the guilt and sickness I feel at the moment is enough to kick my ass. I just don't want to hurt him over this. I keep thinking, if the shoe was on the other foot, how would I feel - and I thought... you know what, i'd feel uncomfortable but not totally crazy - which is easy to say but also probably speaks volumes to where we are at in our marriage. I do want to work on it, i just don't know where to start with getting a spark back when we have kind-of friend zoned each other in our marriage - which is not all bad, if im honest - i thought i was happy enough, if a little bored (but isn't it normal to be bored?)

First - don’t tell him, just put it behind you and don’t do it again. Sounds like a rare moment of weakness that you won’t repeat.

But more importantly - why are you living in the same house with a man that you think is capable of physically hurting you, if he gets angry. You do know one day he will get angry enough and then what ?
Do you have children?
Dull patch and the kiss is the least of the issues here.

he would absolutely lose it and I actually don't think I would be safe to tell him
This is NOT good OP.
Is he abusive to you?
Do you walk on eggshells?
What do you mean that you have been through a 'dull' patch.
Is it lack of intimacy?
Lack of sex?
Lack of affection?

Do you still love him?
Do you fancy him?
Do you think you could get your marriage back on track if he agreed to attend counselling? For his anger management?
Do you have children together?

The fact you think it would end badly for you if you told him/he found out is all you need to know this relationship isn't worth saving. If you don't have kids I would be running like the wind.

I did it and moved on. I think about it every now and again and regret it. But I am not consumed by guilt at all. You made a mistake. Just move on. And don't tell your husband.

I don't know, I guess I just know how he feels about infidelity and in my mind he would go crazy. I know how that sounds, and it obviously isn't good.

No he's not abusive, but I come from an abusive past so maybe my outlook is more on me than it is him - I just don't trust anyone when it comes to anger to be honest.

To answer a few other questions. We hug occasionally, peck good morning and peck goodnight. We started sleeping in separate beds because I wasn't sleeping due to his snoring - which hasn't helped obviously. We haven't been having sex or showing interest in each other that way for quite a while. I do still fancy him... but I can't answer why we have stopped having sex. We get along well, have fun together in other ways, but as I said it really is more like a good friendship - but I know he loves me, and I love him. I just don't know if thats enough in life - but also, I can't fathom leaving him either. I just feel lost right now. Guilty, sick to my stomach and lost. I have no one I can speak to about this in real life.

No, we don't have kids.

If honestly feel like he'd be violent over this then the relationship is unhealthy and should end anyway. It'd be safer for you to end the relationship now (you don't have to tell him why if it'd put you in danger) than if you stayed together and he found out from someone else down the line.

Only on mumsnet do the women get told to keep quiet but a man is told he has to be honest and tell his partner.

Tell your husband otherwise everything from here is a lie and he should be given the opportunity to decide whether he wants to stay with a cheater or not.

I did the same thing whilst very drunk. Told OH the next day because I thought it was the best thing to do.

He was obviously devastated but openly said that he'd rather not have known. He asked me the same and I said I'd rather not know. Telling him alleviated some of my guilt but obviously caused him to distrust me. Now I don't go out drinking with anyone other than him as he can't trust me. It's been 3 years and I'm waiting to be 'allowed' out again. I don't blame him, though I wish I'd never had told him.

OP, it's a drunken snog. This really isn't a major transgression and should be possible to work through either by keeping it to yourself or by coming clean.

If it's true that you wouldn't be safe if you owned up then this is a far bigger issue than the kiss and perhaps a big contributing reason why this happened.

My advice, and you'll receive plenty of conflicting advice so it's really just about what feels right to you, would be to tell him about it. Tell him it was a drunken kiss, maybe leave out that you kissed "passionately" and just open up and say there was no intent to do something like this but when you've thought about how it could happen it's made you realise that you two have stopped working at the relationship.

Either that or leave it some time and then discuss working on the relationship.

Don't beat yourself up, for most married people that I know this would absolutely not be a deal breaker even if most people would make out that it would be.

Oh dear @Orangepancakes
That's not normal at all.
3 years and you are not allowed out without him.
You are a prisoner.
Why are you allowing this to be your life.
Surely you'd be better to leave and live a normal free life that live with this crap.
He's using this as an excuse to totally control you.
Was he abusive in other ways before this?
I suspect he was.

It's a drunken snog nothing else. Don't tell him. No point in hurting him to try and make yourself feel better. The guilt will subside over time. Learn from it and don't do it again.

Have an honest talk (or if that is to difficult to do leave him a letter/email) laying out how the current state of your relationship is leaving you in such a bad place you feel you could be tempted if another man gave you attention. This may well be all you need for your DH to put more effort into your marriage- and it sounds like your slip up has given you impetus to do the same.

Thanks to everyone that has 'listened' , and especially to those that have given advice without condemning judgement. Believe me, i know what I have done is wrong and I'm not trying to dress it up for anything other than it was. I don't want to tell him and hurt him over something that did literally mean nothing. I also don't want to put the other guy in the position of having my husband ask him questions when actually it is nothing to do with him, and everything to do with us - I assume he will demand to know who.

It sure has highlighted a lot of things to me, how I feel and our relationship in general and I'm quite scared about what it all means. I've had contact with the other guy just once to confirm that we can keep it to ourselves because neither of us want to hurt anyone. But, I just no ill carry this horrible, sinking feeling for the foreseeable... and probably rightfully so.

Would all those posting minimising comments such as “its only a drunken snog” be happy if their partners used that old chestnut??

As @Rubbinghimsweetly2 was alluding to, the double standards on here, is embarrassing.

OP, you’ve cheated. You need to deal with it

No words.

I am so disgusted how on Mumsnet women being cheaters and liars is so openly accepted by many, yet if it were a man it would be completely different.

Tell him the fucking truth and own up to your fucking actions. If you're unhappy, tell him and leave the relationship and then you can go sleep with whoever you want.

I cannot believe how many find it so easy to lie and manipulate someone whilst they cheat, it's vile.

Fortunately you're a woman OP, so you'll have many who will say what you want to hear and tell you you're just a lost sweetheart, someone will probably be along and blame your husband for this anyway. Enjoy.

@fifteenyemenroadyemen if things where as black and white as 'if you're unhappy, tell him and leave the relationship', there would be no need for forums like this. If it was that black and white, that is exactly what I would do. But it is not.

Do you know what is up there with the double standards though? People who are holier than thou. Not so long ago, that was me. Of course cheating is wrong, I never once eluded that it wasn't. Excuse me for trying to figure out what's best from a horrible mistake.

It was just a drunken snog. I wouldn't say anything. It's very common.

@FifteenYemenRoadYemen

Did you even read the proper OP?

Why on earth are you convincing her to tell him when she already stated it more than likely wouldn't be safe for her.

Jesus christ.
OP it was a kiss. Say nothing.

If his temper is that bad and frightens you though, I wouldn't want to be working on the relationship I would be working on escaping.

It was just a kiss... AIBU?

OP it was a kiss. Say nothing.

Mumsnet hallpass I don't think so, cheating is cheating.

@RottenTomatoes959 Did YOU read? She stated he is not abusive. She could literally be saying she's scared because he will understandably be angry and/or disappointed by her admission.

Would you be happy with your husband if he snogged someone and didn't tell you, and you then found out from someone else?

He could always find out from someone else after all. People blab.

@realornot No one here is acting holier than thou, I just am not manipulative or a liar. But don't worry, you'll have many here who support being such a person when it suits them and as long as it's not to them, of course.

You did something wrong, own up to it and allow him to make a choice on whether or not he agrees to stay with you. He has absolutely every right to know what you did and it is wholly unfair to withhold it from him, as it would be anyone.

As for you stating it's not so black and white, life never is, but we have to make choices and take responsibility. If your relationship is so insufferable, then why are you putting yourself through it? Why are you not taking action to leave?

Your unhappiness however does not trump him having the right to know, nor is it an excuse.

It's funny, every time a woman cheats on here I always hear oh it's not so black and white. Nothing in life ever is.