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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheated on husband

46 replies

realornot · 12/08/2019 11:34

As the subject says, i recently cheated on my husband on a rare night out. I got drunk (but knew what I was doing) and bumped into a guy I knew from my late teens. We chatted about old times, and started to make the walk home together. He confessed he had always liked me but had never told me when we were younger. He then kissed me and I responded. We kissed a lot, passionately - but I didn't let it get any further. I feel horrendous, sick to my stomach and feel beyond guilty and disgusted. I would never set out to do this and I honestly don't know why I did.

Our marriage has been going through a very... dull patch for the past 9 months. We aren't very intimate and honestly behave more like room mates sometimes. I think I got caught up on feeling wanted by a man, as I don't typically attract a lot of attention, nor do I go looking for is. I can't deny it was thrilling... but I should be better than that. I am scared about what it might mean in the bigger picture.

in the cold light of day... I feel dreadful, sick with worry that my husband will find out. I can't tell him - he would absolutely lose it and I actually don't think I would be safe to tell him. We don't have a violent relationship but he for sure has a bad temper that I don't fully trust.

I guess I don't no what I'm looking for here, other than getting it off my chest. The guy has promised he won't tell anyone but at the end of the day, he has nothing to lose and I do.

Any words of wisdom are welcome. Does this guilty feeling ever go away?

OP posts:

NoBaggyPants · 12/08/2019 20:02

Are you OK with your husband having drunken kisses? That's what you need to work out, how would you feel if your husband did the same?

RottenTomatoes959 · 12/08/2019 20:03

@FifteenYemenRoadYemen
She said he has a bad temper she doesnt fully trust.

Shes clearly not saying shes scared hed be disappointed come off it.

If it was my DP and he kissed someone else in that scenario I wouldn't want to know, which is where my advice is coming from.

And I certainly wouldnt bloody advocate for someone who basically inferred their DP could hurt them to tell them about a poxy kiss.

Notallitseemstobe · 12/08/2019 20:05

I cheat on my husband, I am yet to be crippled by guilt.

If it was a once off, then don't tell him but work out what you need to fix in your marriage. Or leave.

Rachelover40 · 12/08/2019 20:05

Oh realornot, you really haven't done anything too terrible. You had a few minutes of weakness, so dd he, but from that you both resolved never to disclose it to anyone and not to do it again. Please try to see it in proportion and imagine someone else telling you how awful they feel after a snog with someone they suddenly fancied. You'd be kind! Be kind to yourself.

I do hope you can sort out what is best, relationship-wise.

justasking111 · 12/08/2019 20:07

My OH may have had a snog, I do not want to know. If I had a snog I would not tell him about it.

It is a wake up call for OP that she and her OH need to address the lack of closeness.

hiddeneverythin · 12/08/2019 22:23

@notallitseemstobe how do you manage to compartmentalise it so well? (Asking for a friend)

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 12/08/2019 23:31

@Notallitseemstobe I cheat on my husband, I am yet to be crippled by guilt.

I think that just says a lot about you as a person. Just vile.

Notallitseemstobe · 12/08/2019 23:49

hidden

The first time I cheated I wasn't sure how I was going to feel to be honest, and I left it a few hours before I had to go home. Almost felt like an out of body experience , happening to someone else.

I thought it would be only the once, and yet I met someone else and that has been a longer term, and more emotional thing.

I've thought long and hard about why I'm having an affair. And I can spent time with them and then go back to my family and its fine, two halves of my life.

The hardest thing for all cheaters is hiding the emotions if it goes well, or badly. Hiding pain or joy. Living a half life with someone. It's never enough, but it's too much to give up

I cheat, but I'm pretty much an okay person otherwise. I'm just not brave enough to end a marriage that died years ago. Having an affair has made me feel alive and wanted and attractive in a way that was leached out of me in a marriage with a profoundly selfish man who made me think I was not worthy of affection or sexual pleasure.

Maybe I'm vile. Maybe all cheaters are, but many of us are borne of relationships where we have suffered in silence.

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 13/08/2019 00:04

Ha @Notallitseemstobe brave enough to lie, cheat and deceive someone but not brave enough to be decent and walk away so that the other person can be with someone else who will treat them better.

Yes, you are vile. I imagine if he had done this to you you would be devastated, but you'll probably say you wouldn't be to justify your own shitty behaviour.

Do the poor man a favour, walk away. Fuck whoever you want then.

The excuses cheaters come out with and oh woe is me attitude is pathetic. So helpless but not so helpless to fuck other people and manipulate.

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 13/08/2019 00:06

@Notallitseemstobe Also you call him selfish, ha, what are you exactly?

Original poster

realornot · 13/08/2019 09:39

@notallitseemstobe I'm sorry you have been made to feel that way in your marriage. I hope that one day you can life a full happy life, rather than a half one. I understand the feeling of not being brave enough - I'm not even brave enough to fully recognise whats right in front of me.

OP posts:

Original poster

realornot · 13/08/2019 09:42

@rachelover40 Thank you for your kind words. If everything was right in my marriage, the bottom line is that I would never have been tempted let a lone actually done it. I think that's probably the real problem that I need to address.

OP posts:

buttertoasty · 13/08/2019 09:56

You should tell him. I don't understand the comments on this thread because it would be LTB all the way if a woman complained her partner kissed someone when drunk.

You can't work through the rest of your issues if you aren't honest. I would suggest you get some kind of counselling together. Otherwise you will cheat again and sleep with someone else as you are not fulfilled in your current relationship.

Notallitseemstobe · 13/08/2019 09:57

Oh probably selfish, I'm going after what I want. Seeking to fulfil my own needs and desires.

But I'm not going to lie on my death bed and regret not having done all the things I want to do as a woman.

Should I leave? Yes. But I'm financially controlled by my husband so it's not easy and we have children.

sweetiepie1979 · 13/08/2019 09:59

Let it go OP and don’t do it again think more in what problems you have and start to work through those see it as a drunken snog very silly but move on now.

Blueoasis · 13/08/2019 18:45

Would you be happy with your husband if he snogged someone and didn't tell you, and you then found out from someone else?

He could always find out from someone else after all. People blab.

You seem to be ignoring everyone who asks these questions op.

RJonezy · 13/08/2019 22:43

It was a kiss... at least nothing more happened. Obviously it's not good but that's easier to live with than sex?

If you really feel bad and you cannot live with the guilt the best thing is to be honest.

hiddeneverythin · 13/08/2019 22:53

It's hard to say. Is it worse living with the consequences of the lie or the consequences of telling the truth? Either way you'll feel bad forever.

AlwaysSunshine81 · 13/08/2019 22:57

I’m sorry but as others have said you received and didn’t say no. This is cheating. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel? If your husband/ partner told you the same how would it make you feel?
And not to tell... you have to live with that

Rachelover40 · 13/08/2019 23:07

realornot
If everything was right in my marriage, the bottom line is that I would never have been tempted let a lone actually done it. I think that's probably the real problem that I need to address.
------
Yes it is and I hope you do but in the meantime, don't beat yourself up about a snog.

Orangepancakes · 16/08/2019 01:02

hells You're not wrong, he is quite controlling.

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