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Original poster

Am I too old to take time out from finding someone if I ultimately want a family?

45 replies

Southseasunshine · 11/08/2019 19:28

I’m 34 (and a half!). I have always wanted a family and still do, but in honestly I don’t want to settle down yet! I’m really enjoying time on my own and every time I date I have no real desire to progress anything because I’m just doing up my house and doing my job and quite happy.

Do I have time to take this time out? My thinking is if I can’t have kids now then I won’t be able to in a few years...I know that fertility declines but surely not so much that I can’t have a year or so to myself?

I really do want a family though so if I’m being an idiot here I would appreciate hearing it. Thanks :)

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 11/08/2019 19:33

Don't settle before you're ready, and ultimately don't settle, full stop. Will you be happy with an OK DH just to have kids?

If you're meant to have kids you will. I met my DH at 36 and had DD at 38. I didn't really have a plan and it's worked out OK.

Andallofasuddenitsover · 11/08/2019 19:35

Sadly as women, there is a timeframe within which we can have birth DC. Some women have longer than others, there’s no way of knowing. Based on that, I would say don’t have a break now, keep dating Flowers

Original poster
Southseasunshine · 11/08/2019 19:36

I’ve always wanted a family and I’ve put so much effort into it in the past...two significant relationships ended (one moved abroad, I didn’t want to), the other cheated and was generally abusive! I’ve had other smaller relationships but I ended them because I wasn’t that into them.

I’m at the point now where I can’t be bothered with it. I know you have to get out there to find someone but I just can’t be bothered right now!

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 11/08/2019 19:36

I was late 30s when I had my 2nd child and I know others who were early 40s. Don't feel you need to find someone because time isn't on your side, you are still young enough to meet someone in a few years and settle down. Enjoy being on your own and concentrating on yourself. Once you get that right, you;'re more likely to be in a more stable relationship.

Original poster
Southseasunshine · 11/08/2019 19:36

That’s my worry that I don’t really know if I have time. Which is a horrible though! And I don’t want to check because all that would do it put me into a frenzy of worry.

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 11/08/2019 19:39

It’s a tough one. I think I’d only take a break if I was Ok with possibly not having any DC.

It may be a year out, but then you’d have to find somebody again (could take a while) and then it’s unlikely you’d start a family straight away.

Realistically you’re going to be nipping on the heels of 40 before you know it and that’s fine, as long as you accept having a child may be off the cards for you by then.

MMmomDD · 12/08/2019 01:29

OP - is you can afford it - freeze your eggs. Then you can still have your fun and have a chance to have kids later.
Otherwise - to be blunt - you don’t have a few years to take off...
Or, rather - there aren’t any guarantees that after the ‘break’ you will immediately meet someone, and get to baby making straight away.
Doesn’t mean you have to force a relationship with someone you don’t really see yourself with.
All it means - that you don’t need to be closed off to a possibility of getting closer to people.
Are you sure you really want a family - or is this something you think you are supposed to want?

crazyhead · 12/08/2019 01:37

How relentless has the dating been? How long do you want off?

Why not just take a few months off where you take finding a man totally off the table, and see where things go from there. It might clarify your thinking on how high up the agenda kids and relationship really are for you.

Ruddy infuriating being a women and having these pressures, I was there in my 30s and I sympathise!

Everafter1 · 12/08/2019 01:37

Probably not met the right one who's worth settling down with. When you do it doesn't feel like you're giving anything up.

Do what makes you happy until that person comes along.
You wouldn't really want to start a family with someone who you weren't sure about. I wouldn't take time off as such but just be open to meeting someone while you're doing your thing.

HeadintheiClouds · 12/08/2019 01:40

Your desire to have a “year or two to yourself” seems at odds with a desire to start a family, when, at 34, you’re not even in a relationship yet? What’s that about, really?
You’ve already had 34 years to yourself. If deep down you don’t really want to settle down and start a family, that’s ok. But at 34, it’s time to start being honest with yourself.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2019 01:40

I wouldn't settle with someone just to have children, but at the same time, you do have to be realistic. If you enjoy your freedom and your career to such a strong degree, and there's nothing wrong with that, you may have to accept that you won't ever have a family in the "traditional" sense.

1300cakes · 12/08/2019 02:56

I agree with pps, if you don't feel any pull to try to match up with someone and have kids by 34, maybe you won't ever. And that's fine. Great, in fact.

On the other hand, if you were a man who was 34 and said he wanted kids 5+ years from now, no one would think that was weird. In fact that's quite common.

Of course the difference is that a 39 year old man who has decided he wants kids will be a hot commodity, snapped up in seconds by a women in her 30s, and he will get what he wants. A 39 year old woman who decides the same will be generally avoided by men and won't find a partner. It's unfair but that's biology for you I guess.

BogglesGoggles · 12/08/2019 04:02

You have to understand that you would be risking not being able to have children when you settle down/not being able to find someone to settle down with at all. It’s a big risk to take if you actually really want children. Only you can decide whether the risk is worth it.

themouldneverbotheredmeanyway · 12/08/2019 04:37

It depends how important having children is to you - is it essential, or just your preferred option but you'd be OK either way? And whether you would want more than one child.

Female fertility does decline with age, so whilst you will hear from women who quickly conceived in their late 30s and 40s, there will be others who were unsuccessful. It depends how important having biological children is to you.

Also, freezing eggs has a very low love birth rate, so don't rely on that as a back up. Freezing embryos has a higher success rate, but for that you need sperm.

I am a bit confused by the concept of "a year or two to myself" tbh - having a break from actively dating for a month or two yes, but two years is such a long time!

Redcliff · 12/08/2019 06:28

The trouble is you don't know how long it will take. I stopped taking the pill when I was 32 and it took years for me to conceive. I would carry on dating and see what happens if I where you.

AiryFairyMum · 12/08/2019 06:35

I'd get a fertility mot done. At least then you know the facts. For me at that age, I already needed IVF, but many women are fine until their 40s.

Pineapplefish · 12/08/2019 06:41

I agree that a year off at your age is a bit risky if you really want kids. Why not take three or four months off dating? Does it really need to be a whole year?

On the other hand, as others have said, if having this time off is really important then go for it- and maybe give some thought to whether you really really want kids or you've just always sort of expected you would. It's fine not to have kids! A friend of mine met her DH when they were both early/mid 40s. Neither had been married before or had kids. Children haven't come along naturally for them, and they decided not to pursue IVF. They are so well suited and happy together though.

MyOtherProfile · 12/08/2019 06:45

Have a child on your own? Then you can start a family while still taking dating off the table.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 12/08/2019 06:49

Realistically there's a time frame for women.

Could you freeze your eggs?
Have a baby on your own when the time is right?

Teddy275 · 12/08/2019 07:04

This may sound a bit like a cheesy ideal from a film, but I'm also echoing previous posters when I say that honestly when you meet somebody that you are meant to be with, none of that 'time to yourself' will matter any more. You will just fall into the relationship naturally and won't feel like you are giving up anything.
Instead of drawing a line under meeting anybody for a set time line, just be open to meeting 'the one'- you don't have to invest months and years into a relationship before your instinct kicks in to know if it's a non-starter. What happens if you wait till 36/38 and then don't meet anybody- it's not just like flicking a switch.
I met my husband at 20. And boy I wish it could have been later but when you find it, you just run with it and life changes course naturally.
I hope that makes some kind of sense, I'm hiding from Monday morning in the bathroom 👍 x

AJPTaylor · 12/08/2019 07:15

Separate the issues.
Explore having eggs frozen.

mistermagpie · 12/08/2019 07:21

I get that dating can be relentless and disappointing, but surely it's just a few coffees/dinner/drinks here and there? There must be a middle ground between actively pursuing a relationship (internet dating I suppose?) and 'taking time off'. What if you decide to take time off now and bump into your dream man tomorrow at the supermarket? Would you walk away?

You probably do have time, I got married at 34 and am now pregnant with my third child at 39. But others aren't so lucky. It depends how important kids are to you?

growingfrenchlavender · 12/08/2019 07:24

Freezing eggs really isn’t the solve all solution it’s presented here as.

Nor is it true that if you are meant to have children you will.

Beeb42 · 12/08/2019 07:28

I made the choice to be a single mum through adoption three years ago, at 41. I always wanted a family, but just never found the right person. Best thing I ever did, am now about to adopt a second. If you really want a family you’ll find the way around it.

growingfrenchlavender · 12/08/2019 07:29

Adoption isn’t an option for everybody beeb

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