Am I too old to take time out from finding someone if I ultimately want a family?

[Southseasunshine]

I’m 34 (and a half!). I have always wanted a family and still do, but in honestly I don’t want to settle down yet! I’m really enjoying time on my own and every time I date I have no real desire to progress anything because I’m just doing up my house and doing my job and quite happy.

Do I have time to take this time out? My thinking is if I can’t have kids now then I won’t be able to in a few years...I know that fertility declines but surely not so much that I can’t have a year or so to myself?

I really do want a family though so if I’m being an idiot here I would appreciate hearing it. Thanks :)

I think you have to be realistic that fertility can and does decline after 35 - you have no way of knowing if you can get pregnant and stay pregnant and how easy that may be (or not)

If your "enjoying" yourself fine but it takes time to build a relationship to the point of having children together which could take years. Don't expect the NHS to then bail you out with IVF because you've made a conscious decision to delay motherhood (it's only available to under 40s anyway and some areas is under 36 and some places won't fund it at all)

Don't take time off but just be highly selective in who you do date - look for quality - really assesses who and what you are looking for x

I didn’t meet my DH until I took a break from dateing and trying to meet someone.

I was 34 when I stopped trying, 35 when I met DH, 36 when I married and 38 and 40 when I had the kids.

Dating is exhausting, especially online dating. I took a good long break at your age - after about 9 months I then signed up to Match, and met DH as my first date. Best £30 I ever spent! I had DS at 37 and I'm 40 now and 27 wks pg. If you need to take a break, take it. My biological clock is ticking far more loudly than yours!

Wow thanks for the replies.

To answer a few points...

The dates haven’t been relentless but I feel like it’s been nearly two years properly dating and not found anyone still!

I’m not sure what the poster meant about having had 34 years alone? I’ve had long term relationships in that time, what I meant is I feel happy with my life and can’t be bothered to have to find someone!

But yes all that said it is true that I could take less time off. Maybe that’s the answer. Dating feels so long...people always want to meet up again and I never am bothered! I think I’ve felt bothered about meeting someone more than once just one time. It’s time consuming.

Have a good think about whether you want children or a partner. Because solo parenting is definitely an option - even more so if you have a good job and can build up some savings. And hunting for your potential life partner is grim and depressing - it's too easy to start coming across as desperate, which puts off nice men and, unfortunately, attracts abusive ones.

I want both.

It’s just so boring meeting people you’re never going to progress things woth

With!

There is a lot more to life than having children (a lot more). Sounds like you’re having a great time as it is! Don’t worry about it and enjoy!

I would be happy to just “settle” for the sake of fmily..

I mean, as long as it’s a decent guy.

I agree with the fertility MOT, they cost 200-300 pounds and it will give you an idea of what you are dealing with.

I would say take a break for a month or 2. Don't even think about men or dating. Focus on yourself. It might feel exciting to date again after a short break?
Or use the time to seriously consider going it alone baby wise with a sperm donor. Try reach out to other women who are going it alone, start a thread on here and see if you can get in touch with someone directly and get some info, see if it's for you?

Egg freezing is pretty dodgy from what I'm read. It requires IVF. IVF is expensive and invasive and odds of it working go down with age same as regular pregnancy.

Scott I didn’t know that?

I would definitely consider freezing eggs but would want to know it was worth it!

Don’t think it’s worth freezing eggs. Success rates are v low.

You can’t force yourself to date. It’s healthy to have breaks. But keep busy with activities - join groups etc. That way you may meet someone. I’m in the same boat - same age, similar situation. It gets so tiring after a while and I’m so happy on my own. And realistically if you’re fit, you’re likely to be fertile until late 30s and early 40s.

I don’t understand why would someone consider sperm donor and not consider taking a risk of settling with someone decent for the sake of starting a family. Keeping in mind that if it doesn’t work out they will be a single parent but at least will have someone who the child can call father and who pays child maintenance and perhaps is decent enough to contribute to the child’s upbringing.

It’s the same thing. If things don’t work out. Ar least the child would have a father tho.

I would say options are (hierarchy):

1- settle if kids are a big thing for you.
2- freeze eggs and wait for love
3- accept and celebrate single-dome

To be clear I don’t like being single! Probably makes my opening post seem contradictory. I mean I am happy being on my own but I would much rather be with someone and the hassle of trying to find someone gets really tiring.

I didn’t know there were low success rates for freezing eggs. I also agree that settling is preferable. I’m just not sure I can do it!!

@Southseasunshine I really don't think that at your age you need to settle at all.

I have four lovely friends in their early 40s who 'gave up' on dating around the time I met DH, when we were all around 33-36.

Dating is bloody hard work, but if you keep returning to it afresh after a break of a few months, it will be worth it. If you don't put yourself out there, you are likely to end up like my friends - they are all lovely, successful, well-travelled and attractive women, but I know they really wanted partners and a family.