DH has just suggested we have sex therapy! I don’t know how to re-kindle things. Any advice please?

[Poppysball]

I’m in my mid 40’s and perimenopausal. I have an auto immune condition which I take meds for and can mean some days I am in pain/discomfort. Since having my dc’s I’ve found every day life challenging with my condition & trying to keep on top of dc’s, home stuff & working part time in a fairly demanding job. My 2 dc’s can be challenging and I am not the most patient mum! I have had episodes of low mood and anxiety and take antidepressants to help me cope with it all. I also have traits of ADD which I’ve had some great counselling for but don’t want to take any more meds.

Most of the time I feel exhausted, and like I’m firefighting just to get through the next day/week of kids activities/family admin/household jobs/work. I have also lost confidence in myself. Since turning 40 I’ve put on a little weight, am going grey and have all the other signs of ageing that come with approaching that time of life.

In a nutshell I’m tired, achey, feel low a lot of the time, can be irritable and and don’t have great self esteem about my looks.
I love my dh dearly but being intimate is honestly the furthest thing from my mind! I
am actually embarrassed about him seeing me naked these days even though he says he thinks I’m still very attractive. I just hate the thought of taking my clothes off, I’d rather snuggle up in my pj’s!

My DH is a lovely, kind, funny man and a fantastic father to our 2 quite lively and demanding dc’s. He helps out in the home but I don’t think he really gets how I am feeling alot of the time. I think he is a ‘glass half full’ type whereas I’m more ‘glass half empty’. I love him to bits but I miss how things used to be before dc’s. Life is al about them now which is how it should be I know but I miss having fun, going out with him, getting tipsy, being silly together. We literally never do anything on our own together. Most evenings by the time everything’s done we’re knackered and watch some tv or go on our phones.
We do talk but I feel it’s often me moaning about things or the dc’s behaviour, such fun aren’t I!!

Anyway as a result I believe of all of the above, we hardly ever get intimate and the longer it goes on the harder i’m finding it.
Today, out of the blue he said did I think we should see a sex therapist. He said it light heartedly almost half joking but I know it’s bothering him now and I’m really upset as I know it’s all down to me but I can’t seem to help it.

Sorry this is long but I have no-one in real life I can confide in about this.

Has anyone felt similar and can offer any advice please?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/antidepressants/side-effects/

If you are taking SSRIs, lack of sex drive is a common side effect. I was lucky enough to find a different type that worked for me, but everyone's different. Even if you change medication I'd still take up your dh's offer, as once you've fallen off the horse it can be hard to get back into the saddle mentally too!

Thank you ravenmum I think it’s worth asking the doc about. I do wonder if my ad’s don’t have any effect on me anymore as been taking them so long as my mood is often still very low which you would hope the ad’s would improve wouldn’t you? I know when I first started on them they made a massive difference to how i felt but not anymore. Do you mind me asking which one you swapped from and to?

Was on citalopram and swapped to Bupropion.

temporarypermanent no contraception needed as no sex😂 Actually dh has had the snip so all ok on that front. The more I’m reading the more i’m thinking the a/d’s can’t be helping as I’ve probably felt like this to some degree since I started them. I think I suspected they were affecting my ‘drive’ buy I didn’t want to stop or change them as they helped so much with my low mood initially.
That’s a great idea about asking a teenager to babysit. Sometimes i think wouldn’t it be
nice just to go out for an evening walk together but we can’t without taking the arguing dc’s with us!!

Thank you ravenmum I currently take fluoxetine

Poor you OP, you have a lot going on in your life and a lot to unravel.

On the plus side you sound very aware of all the things that are building up to make the result of no sex etc. But the other result is that you are exhausted and miserable!

To me it sounds like your DH needs to do more in the house as you have got left with most of the daily grind, so called because it really does grind you down. And of course, then how are you supposed to feel sexy?

I would write down all the areas of your life which are contributing to this state of affairs and go through them taking action whether that is changing your medication, getting a teenage babysitter or getting your dh off his arse!

Best of luck with this new life change

You sound like you are firmly in the core audience for sex therapy, why not give it a go op?

Chamomile thank you for being so kind. This year has been particularly hard with my Dad being so ill and needing to support my mum so much.
I like that idea of writing everything down. My mind feels like a jumble most of the time. I don’t really know what area to tackle first as they all seem to link and all seem equally important - any ideas?

BillywilliamV i’m nervous about what it will entail. I mean are they going to give us homework?? I don’t want to feel pressured to have to something in time for the next session, it might seem a bit forced/fake. I feel slightly awkward talking to a stranger about my (lack of) sex life. I will read the links above though. I feel embarrassed that dh has said this to me but I do see his point.

Sorry to go off topic, but @ravenmum - where do you get bupropion from please?

I did the sex therapy with relate with ex husband.
In my experience
Sex came off the menu .
But
You did thing like touching each other for certain length of time

We did not get very far as there was loads wrong with marriage not just sex

@ArriettyCArriettyC I had it prescribed. I live in Germany so it may not be available in the UK, though.

One brand of ADs affected my libido, but the one am on currently is an SNRI not SSRI... am not sure if that is a possible reason...

Op have you considered visiting an up market adult store or website & exploring options with toys ? There are a world of new iPhoney looking gizmos to help aid in this very issue ! The market is really designed to make it more comfortable for women & couples to visit these stores. Imagine if you are in London there must be some very lovely lady staffed ones. Have sold many gadgets to older folk who are looking to work around the ageing process

Are you still affectionate with one another? Hand holding, hug, kiss when leaving for work etc. I think it is easier to rekindle things if that is still happening.

If you can't afford sex therapy or babysitters or it seems like too big a leap there are lots of DIY sex therapy books available perhaps you could get one from Amazon (and have a laugh). Perhaps this sort of thing:
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01N7WG1U9/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I'd talk to your husband about it all, he has made an opening for communication. I think the idea above about writing a list is a good one, perhaps some work could be taken off your shoulders by your DH and your sons. Children can tidy, hoover, pack dishwashers etc. There might be some pain at first getting them to do it, but stick at it and it'll become routine. Does your DH really understand how hard everyday is for you, my DH didn't really "get it" until I had a very bad phase and got a new consultant (after many years) who had DH into the consult and explained to him just how debilitating things were and what a battle I had everyday.

I understand how you feel about there being no fun. I've thought and said the same myself. I think if you can start to carve out small amounts of time to do something nice it will help. Is there a boxset you could watch together? (Breaking bad/Good wife or similar). Would DH cut back on sports watch and do that in the evening instead cuddled up on the sofa or in bed? Do the kids ever do evening or weekend activities at the same time where you could grab an hour to have a walk together or get a coffee?

You need to work on things together, let your DH suggest things, don't make it yet another task you have to find solutions and take responsibility for.

Thank you for all the ideas. Not sure we’re quite ready for the ‘toys’ but maybe in the future!

SapatSea thank you and sorry to hear you suffer with a condition too. Generally my meds keep things under control but when I have a bad pain day it affects my mood badly as it can be debilitating. It is not visible so because I look ok people just think i’m grumpy. They have no idea of the pain it can cause and all I can really do is take painkillers and rest which of course is difficult to do with dc’s who depend on me. The result can be that I get more & more down and irritable, not exactly a recipe for romance. I don’t always tell dh when I’m in pain as I don’t want to sound moany or go on about it, it’s just something I have to live with but it has definitely affected my ability to be affectionate as sometimes I just don’t want to be touched or hugged as it hurts.

We have said before that we need to make more effort to go out and have some alone time together but it doesn’t happen. I feel like I arrange everything for this family, it would nice if he could arrange something for me & him occasionally. I do feel like if we were closer in our actual relationship I would feel more inclined to be intimate but I don’t think he feels there is anything really wrong with our general relationship/communication. He doesn’t seem bothered about going out, he’s always tired too but it does bother me as I would like to feel like me again and not just a mummy. It’s like groundhog day really.

I have one failed 11 year marriage behind me and 3 DC. I'm 10 years into marriage 2 with DS15 (severe autism), DS13 and DD8 from this marriage (current diagnosis social communication disorder). I get tired have barely had a full nights sleep in 15 years plus in my mid 40's, overweight and lacki g motivation to overhaul my wardrobe so lack8 g a bit of self respect.

I've been through phases of lower sex drive in both marriages, me and the DH's. On reflection, XH because he was looking after himself elsewhere.

Current DH has taken various anxiety meds that have had a significant impact on his sex drive and his emotional flatlining really. He wasnt anxious, or happy, or sad, or angry. Just a bit emotionless. He changed very quickly off meds but the anxiety needed managing and had significant complexities so we went back to the GP and found new meds. It wasn't a straight switch it's taken time and dosage adjustments to create a stable, for now, state.

I wanted to pick up on something you said earlier about being happy to just snuggle up. DH used to say this when he was low. The thing was we'd go to bed and he'd roll over and go to sleep. A hug would have gone a long way to acknowledge me. Not satisfy me, but make me feel physically recognised. The complete lack of physical contact was a massive unacknowledged rejection.

Do you/ could you take time and make the effort to kiss goodbye, give a quick hug in the morning, hold hands when you're out on a family walk, kick the kids off the sofa and sit snuggled with DH (and them) infront of a family film/ the Xfactor/ strictly/ the one show or even country file.

I think taking time to acknowledge your relationship needs some time and is a valid use of your time is important.

Going on nights out has never been an option for us (no one will really babysit all our DC, including near family. They will takethe youngest or eldest or occasionally older two though) We do have bedtimes/ upstairs times for the DC and watch the odd film together, have the odd meal with a glass of something just us at the table. Its nice to attempt to be just adults for these snippets of time. I find that the more time we spend wearing our just adults hats the more attracted I am to DH and more relaxed I feel about the physical side of the relationship.

I do hear you on the not doing stuff that's been asked though. DH doesn't quite do the things he's said. I pick up the slack, feel knackered and irritated as a result then one step further away from feeling close to him. I have found I need to let my standards slip slightly. We have a list of jobs for him. A written list so it's clearer what's to be done. Him writing it down takes slight pressure off the emotional load of me feeling responsible and clearly indicates its a job hes taken on. It also means i need to back off and let him do it.

We seriously considered sex therapy but it was logistically too difficult for us as DH works away a lot. Was interested to find that Relate offer online and telephone therapy as well as face to face though, in case that's more of an option for you.

We've made pretty big strides on our own tbh, although admittedly we don't have the same hurdles as you health wise. Our biggest problem was communication and it's taken a long time to improve, I think therapy would have massively speeded that up but I am proud of our progress, however slow.

Some little things that helped us: emailing and texting instead of talking face to face when we had things to say which were difficult or embarrassing. Date nights at home after DC in bed, we bought a stereo and rediscovered our CD collection, had card or game nights, just stuff that meant the tv was off and we were engaged with each other. We'd completely lost our connection but it's amazing how quickly it comes back when you start properly focusing on each other again.

It does sound like your DH could share the load with you more, we're a bit stuck in that department because he's not here a lot of the time but you should definitely point out that the more he does the less tired you will be! It does sound like therapy would be worth a try for you though, there's quite a lot in your posts that sounds fairly easily fixed with improved communication and a bit of synchronised effort so it could be really good for you.

Chamomiletea saying her husband doing more chores will fix this isn't helpful, when reading through the comments the main problem seems to be the antidepressants.