DH has just suggested we have sex therapy! I don’t know how to re-kindle things. Any advice please?

[Poppysball]

I’m in my mid 40’s and perimenopausal. I have an auto immune condition which I take meds for and can mean some days I am in pain/discomfort. Since having my dc’s I’ve found every day life challenging with my condition & trying to keep on top of dc’s, home stuff & working part time in a fairly demanding job. My 2 dc’s can be challenging and I am not the most patient mum! I have had episodes of low mood and anxiety and take antidepressants to help me cope with it all. I also have traits of ADD which I’ve had some great counselling for but don’t want to take any more meds.

Most of the time I feel exhausted, and like I’m firefighting just to get through the next day/week of kids activities/family admin/household jobs/work. I have also lost confidence in myself. Since turning 40 I’ve put on a little weight, am going grey and have all the other signs of ageing that come with approaching that time of life.

In a nutshell I’m tired, achey, feel low a lot of the time, can be irritable and and don’t have great self esteem about my looks.
I love my dh dearly but being intimate is honestly the furthest thing from my mind! I
am actually embarrassed about him seeing me naked these days even though he says he thinks I’m still very attractive. I just hate the thought of taking my clothes off, I’d rather snuggle up in my pj’s!

My DH is a lovely, kind, funny man and a fantastic father to our 2 quite lively and demanding dc’s. He helps out in the home but I don’t think he really gets how I am feeling alot of the time. I think he is a ‘glass half full’ type whereas I’m more ‘glass half empty’. I love him to bits but I miss how things used to be before dc’s. Life is al about them now which is how it should be I know but I miss having fun, going out with him, getting tipsy, being silly together. We literally never do anything on our own together. Most evenings by the time everything’s done we’re knackered and watch some tv or go on our phones.
We do talk but I feel it’s often me moaning about things or the dc’s behaviour, such fun aren’t I!!

Anyway as a result I believe of all of the above, we hardly ever get intimate and the longer it goes on the harder i’m finding it.
Today, out of the blue he said did I think we should see a sex therapist. He said it light heartedly almost half joking but I know it’s bothering him now and I’m really upset as I know it’s all down to me but I can’t seem to help it.

Sorry this is long but I have no-one in real life I can confide in about this.

Has anyone felt similar and can offer any advice please?

Being a parent can end up with your life being taken over. Being ill can feel as if your lifes being taken over. You both seem to be happy with each other but not so happy with the personal side. You don't say how old the children are.Any chance of them going off to Grandparents for a few days letting you two be together and get to know each other again?

Thank you BigFatLiar, that is exactly how I feel, almost like my life is not my own and I am just run ragged. The last thing i ever feel like is sexy and passionate!😄

I know that I still love DH and can enjoy his company as on the odd, rare occasion we have had time together, like a lunch, we still laugh together and are on the same wavelength.

Unfortunately we have no grandparents who are able to have the dc’s. My dad has been very unwell this year (to add to the stress!) and my mum spends all her time caring for him. DH’s parents are not together and are not local.

Your husband is letting you know in a not confrontational way that he is not happy with all aspects of your relationship. It sounds as though he’s been very patient, helpful and reassuring to you. Your husband cannot expect you to have sex if you don’t want to and equally you can’t expect your husband to be happy in a sexless marriage. So the suggestion of therapy is not actually a bad one and shows your husband would rather work on the relationship than look elsewhere.
If you can’t manage this, it’s nothing to feel bad about. Not everyone values sex to the same extent. But, you may have to prepare for a relationship breakdown if you can’t reach a compromise.
I think you are in a good position as far as your husband is concerned. Explain how you feel to him. Try to get some occasions off from the kids and see if you can take it slowly...dating first...then kissing and cuddling....etc etc

I used to put my child to bed at 7 nightly until he was about 8 or 9 years old.
At 10 and 11 he went to bed at 8pm.
At 12, 13 and 14 he went between 9 and 10pm. I also put a lock on our door. This always gave us time to snuggle and be playful and have sexy time.

Just to add, my child didn’t accept those times easily lol! Getting into the routine was hard work! But worth it.

If you are run tagged, I'll and tired, the last thing you will want is sexy time!

Right now, start by carving out time for you and DH. Can you afford a babysitter once a week? If the kids are over a year old, they can cope with you beung out on a regular evening. Just go for a walk, have a drink together, start flirting again.

Being perimorsal won't help either: it might be worth talking to your doctor about the options available.

Thank you all. DC’s are 12 & 7. They can be challenging in their own ways and bicker a fair bit which I find hard especially if I’m having a bad pain day, their arguing just makes me feel worse.

We only have my sister currently as a babysitter and I don’t like to ask her too often as I don’t want to take advantage. Lately I’ve been seeing lots of our friends on social media going out, having ‘date nights’ and looking so loved up. Their dc’s are the same age as ours so I start wondering how do they manage it and what is wrong with me!!

I have thought about talking to doc but not sure what they can do to be honest although I’m sure all the meds I take especially the ad’s don’t help. I think they are well known to lower sex drive aren’t they.

I think it's a good idea. If you want to have a marriage in which you're both happy, consider giving it a chance.

I would absolutely take him up on the idea. Get him to organise it all including childcare and then throw yourself into it. I've always thought it sounded like a good healthy way to rekindle things in what is otherwise a strong relationship.

Sounds like it could be a useful way of getting him to understand (through an expert) why you don't feel like sex, if nothing else.

What will it involve though.. I do respect him for suggesting it as he clearly wants to get things back on track but what will they do/say that will make this happen? If it’s to do with my meds or my condition or my low mood, how will it be able to help? I don’t mean to be negative, I just don’t know what it involves.

I’m also slightly embarrassed as we never used to have any problems in this department and I feel like I’ve failed.

ravenmum I see what you mean, that might be helpful as I don’t think he has a clue how mixed up I feel. It’s not because i don’t love him and I couldn’t imagine being without him🙁

There are supplements at many health food stores with the sole purpose of getting women in the mood. I also have found CBD oil to work.

It might also be time to vent more to your friends about what's stressing you out and have less negative conversations with your husband. Notice how when couples first hang out they banter and tease each other a lot. This is a way of flirting that can keep interactions with your love interest playful and fun.

I've found it's also helpful to get in the mood on my own, fantasizing for a bit, before getting with him. I've heard that women take longer to warm up than men typically do. I think it's generally true.

No one is to blame here. I hope you can find a happy solution you're both satisfied with. If you can start enjoying physical intimacy, you may find it also helps relieve a lot of your stress.

Thank you. Does anyone know or have experience relating to the perimenopause and these feelings? Could it be linked to that? Just thinking that could go on for years...

You haven't failed alone but your (plural) sex life is failing. For once on this site the man is behaving respectfully, sensibly and pro actively to remedy it. I really think you need to talk to him seriously about the idea. Even if it doesn't actually transpire the opening up of discussion will help tremendously. Talk!

pog100 you’re right he is very kind and respectful of my feelings as he knows I struggle with things. We do need to talk. I used to able to be so open with my feelings but in the last few years I’ve found myself clamming up more.

www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/what-does-a-sex-therapist-do/

Even if it doesn't end up with you having more sex, you will be showing him that you are also concerned, and that you really want to do something to improve your joint situation. That alone will make him see things in quite a different light to if you just close up and refuse to try anything.

I agree that it’s a good sign that he’s suggested this. He cares. He’s committed but he’s unhappy with something. Talking through all the things getting in the way of intimacy, reconnecting and working together on solutions could really help you. A couples therapist could do similar work with you. They’re not just for couples in crisis. Therapy is a great tool for addressing intransigent, long running issues that are difficult to discuss on your own.

ADs do indeed have a huge effect on your sex drive, but the good news there is that not all of them have the same effect on everyone. It might be worthwhile starting out with your GP and asking to change medication, as well as seeing how long it will take to get a therapy appointment.

Your DH does sound like he's taking a helpful approach already. But so are you, by thinking about therapy.

Thank you, I think I will talk to my GP as although I think i’d be even worse without an a/d, I don’t feel particularly happy on the one I am taking!!

I went to mine and specifically said that the meds were no good for my sex life, and she suggested different ones. They were fine.

Oh my gosh really ravenmum? Right I will start there. Did you find an alternative that suited you ok then, effective and no nasty side effects? Because I’ve been on this one so long with no bad effects I’ve always been reluctant to change. It never occurred to me that this could be one of the side effects!

I think this is a fairly common problem amongst families really.The fact you arent well and are working and running a home is a lot for anyone TBH!.Does your husband "help" you ,or does he do a fair share of chores .There is a big difference between the two!.Many marriages are sexless and can work well, but equally if he feels unsatisfied this can cause difficulties .Speak to sex therapist and see what they suggest .Also if you can ,stay off Social Media for a while ,many couples want to put on a "perfect partnership" image when the truth is often very different TBH!

Antidepressants massively affect sex drive in my experience, and medication that does this can also kibd of make you forget you ever had a sex drive. So i think its a great idea to tackle that.

What contraception are you using? The minipill killed my libido stone dead. Many hormonal contraception can do that in my view.

But therapy is also a great idea. With most therapy, the idea is to help you talk about difficult things together and to find solutions.

Re babysitters, could you afford to pay someone? For kids your age, you only need a reasonably clued up teenager around. Even if paying them £15 to be there for 3 hours means you can't afford to do much, just going for a walk and/or a quiet drink at a nice pub would give you that space and time together. Put the word out that you are looking for a teenager, there's always someone - the older sibling of your dc's friend maybe?

Dottie he is good in that he helps with cooking, washing etc. All school and kids admin stuff is done by me and there are always jobs that need doing around the house which I ask him to do
that he never quite gets to which can be annoying. He is good with the dc’s but sometimes so much so that I feel he has a lot more quality time with them than he does me. They only have to ask and he’ll take them out to the park or wherever but he never takes me anywhere just the 2 of us. He also loves watching sport and this often takes his interest of an evening or weekend. Maybe I’m a bit envious of this I’m not sure. I just don’t feel we ever do anything nice alone together, it always involves the dc’s. To me I find it hard to be intimate when there isn’t much time spent together or much fun between us.