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Original poster

Whats going on inside my bfs head?

50 replies

Jadeandjuniper · 11/08/2019 09:49

Been together with my partner for a few years. Talked about marriage and kids however nothing yet has happened.
Keep thinking he'll propose and he doesn't. It's now about a year since we discussed marriage and still nothing. We've had more than a few serious chars about it and made me feel it'll happen soon.
I keep getting my hopes up.
Any advice? I'm feeling upset but more so what's going on inside my bfs head? Confused I don't want to come across as desperate.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/08/2019 09:53

Ask him
How would I or anyone else know?
Maybe he's planning a proposal or maybe he has no intention of it and is just telling you what you want to hear.

Ginger1982 · 11/08/2019 09:59

I think you need to have a serious chat with him and, if necessary, make some boundaries. A friend of mine was in a similar situation and eventually said to her boyfriend, 'look, I love you and I want to marry you and have kids with you. Those things are important to me but don't seem important to you. If nothing changes between now and me turning (I think it was 28) then I'm going to walk away.' The bf seemed to take this on board but 28 came and went with nothing. So she walked away and is now ridiculously happy with her new DH.

Perhaps your partner doesn't think marriage is important and would happily just live together and maybe have kids. If that doesn't sit with what you want then you need to tell him that and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't 'step up.'

Mishappening · 11/08/2019 10:06

Ginger's advice is spot-on. You need to be clear about how you see your life, so that you can make a judgement as to whether your needs coincide. If you cannot be clear and honest with him then you do not want to "waste" a chunk of your life when you could me moving towards your goals.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 11/08/2019 10:31

What is going on in his head? Well, none of us can say for sure, but it could be one/some of the following :

  1. he theoretically does want to get married and have kids but feels that that is something that will happen "in the future" - ie he thinks its something "grown ups" do, and he wishes to remain at a more juvenile stage of development.

  2. he doesn't actually want to marry anyone, but either hasn't realised this, or knows that saying it will end his relationship.

  3. he doesn't want to marry you, but either hasn't realised this, or knows that saying it will end his relationship.

I assume that you want him to propose to you for a variety of reasons - most strongly because you are desperate for a sign that he actually wants to marry you. But it doesn't seem like he does. We can't give you what you want, which are the magic words that will turn him from "has no interest in marriage to me at this moment" to "romantic man of my dreams, keen to plan a wedding". And they don't exist.

What can you do about it? Proceed as if your boyfriend is not going to propose. Do you want to stay with him without marriage, or do you want that with someone else?

Shmithecat2 · 11/08/2019 10:36

How old are you both? Do you live together? How many is a 'few' years?

ChristmasFluff · 11/08/2019 12:01

Dear OP, it's time to turn this on its head and look at what is going on with you. You want to be married, and yet are staying with someone who appears to have no intention of marrying you.

Ginger is right - give him a time-limited ultimatum and stick to it.

VikVal · 11/08/2019 12:14

If he hasn't done it yet he probably won't do it no matter how many times you mention it and if you try and force his hand, it will end in tears even if he does get pressured in to proposing. Wait and see or have an outright honest conversation with him that this is pissing you off.

PlumOrange · 11/08/2019 12:15

If he really wants to put a ring on your finger & make it official, he will. If he doesn't, then he's stalling because it's not what he wants. Many men are just happy with the sex/comfy home & don't want/aren't ready for the responsibility/ties of marriage. You need to decide what you're prepared to put up with.

Original poster
Jadeandjuniper · 11/08/2019 15:40

We are both in our mid-thirties. I've given him a few ultimatums but he is always talks me round and makes me feel like i'm being unreasonable for asking what is going on or a time frame.

I suppose it's make me really unhappy.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 11/08/2019 16:21

Op - this is how ultimatums work - you need to follow up on them.
At mid-30s it’s not fair for him to keep you dangling. It may mean it’ll be too late for you to have kids, IF you want them.
If I were you - i’d not give another ultimatum.
I’d propose and if he says NO - (or that he needs time, yet again) - i’d move out.
You only have a few years of fertility left.
(Also - freeze your eggs if you are leaving him) as it might take you a bit of time to meet someone else.

M0RVEN · 11/08/2019 16:23

If you are really unhappy then you need to leave. Because this man isn’t interested in marrying you and having kids with you.

Sorry.

whereisthebloodypostman · 11/08/2019 16:23

I'd leave too, tbh he is keeping you dangling and might keep you dangling forever. If he is that keen he'll soon propose.

Ninkaninus · 11/08/2019 16:25

Don’t wait any longer.

He doesn’t want to marry you.

SperanzaWilde · 11/08/2019 16:26

Either propose to him or walk, OP. (Or stay if the relationship is more important to you than marriage and children, obviously.) You’ve not acted on previous ultimatums (ultimata?) so he doesn’t believe you ever will.

31RueCambon · 11/08/2019 16:28

Yes, you need to do what ginger says.

I know I wouldn't have had the confidence to do that in my 20s, I would have thought it was too demanding, I took the scraps I was flung. I wish I'd seen that I had the right to say ''this is what I want, can you offer it?'' and expect a truthful reply that I could respond accordingly to.

ShirleyPhallus · 11/08/2019 16:29

A similar thing happened to me, I finally had “the” conversation and he said he didn’t want children for some years and possibly not marriage ever. I took that to mean he wouldn’t want to marry ME ever.

Anyway, we spilt and I was devastated.

But here I am, 3 years later and pregnant which some who I am SO much happier than I ever was with the previous guy.

If this is what you want don’t compromise. You deserve better.

31RueCambon · 11/08/2019 16:30

Stop being ''talked around''.

He knows what you want and he is wasting precious years.

You do need to walk away. He has no respect for your ulitmatums

ravenmum · 11/08/2019 16:31

I've given him a few ultimatums but he is always talks me round and makes me feel like i'm being unreasonable for asking what is going on or a time frame.
He sounds very unpleasant. Do you really want to have children with someone who makes your feel bad about yourself when you make a perfectly normal request, or bullies you into staying?

Strawberrycreamsundae · 11/08/2019 16:33

I'm prepared to bet he's stringing you along until 'someone better' turns up, he's got absolutely no intention of marrying you but he knows how to make you think he's the one (he isn't, honestly!)!

Ginger1982 · 11/08/2019 17:05

Mid 30s? You really need to get sorted in your mind what you want here before you get to an age where having a child becomes difficult. You're obviously letting him talk you round. Are you afraid to end it? Worried you won't find someone else? You need to take charge of your own happiness here.

Gamble66 · 11/08/2019 17:32

Yeh mid 30's - if you really want a family don't fuck about any more. Men basically do not have that huge biological clock ticking away.
You have been together long enough to ask a direct questions and as for feeling 'needy' if you can't be needy with the person you are supposed to love who the hell can you be needy with ?
Decide what you want - if kids are more important than him give him a month to make up his mind - if it's positive book the wedding and get on with TTC.
If negative or 'give me more time etc ' - move out move on . You may end up single and childless in 20 years but it will be your own choice and not with the fuckwt who dangled away your last few fertile years. More than likely you will have kids and a happy relationship X

LizzieSiddal · 11/08/2019 17:59

Tell him you won’t wait any longer.

You need him to either commit to you or you will have to reconsider your relationship.

MulticolourMophead · 11/08/2019 18:07

I'm prepared to bet he's stringing you along until 'someone better' turns up, he's got absolutely no intention of marrying you but he knows how to make you think he's the one (he isn't, honestly!)!

You're mid thirties. You've had chats before about marriage. He doesn't want to marry you.

sofato5miles · 11/08/2019 18:11

He doesn't want to and what's even worse is disregarding and disrespectful.

He knows your timeline but does not care enough.

I am sorry it is very hard. But you need to walk. Start living your new life.

goingdeepinthesky · 11/08/2019 18:17

It's pretty shitty of him that he makes you feel unreasonable. He obviously doesn't care at all that time is running out for you to have the children you want.

And why are you waiting for him to propose? Why leave yourself in that weak passive position? Ask him outright if he wants to marry you and if he does tell him you are going to make the earliest appt at the registry. Tell him you want to start family as soon as married. that will give you the answer you need, and allow you to move on.