Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Whats going on inside my bfs head?

50 replies

Jadeandjuniper · 11/08/2019 09:49

Been together with my partner for a few years. Talked about marriage and kids however nothing yet has happened.
Keep thinking he'll propose and he doesn't. It's now about a year since we discussed marriage and still nothing. We've had more than a few serious chars about it and made me feel it'll happen soon.
I keep getting my hopes up.
Any advice? I'm feeling upset but more so what's going on inside my bfs head? I don't want to come across as desperate.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 11/08/2019 18:43

He's a Fertility Waster. Some men seem to get off on it - going by the number who just happen to decide they really do want kids as soon as their victim gf hits menopause - and quickly meet, marry and reproduce with a younger woman.

You're 35. You have easily 7-10(+) years to have a family, but you need to factor in the time to meet someone, get to know them and have the x number of kids you want before menopause. You also need to allow for relationships which don't work out. You're in an ok position now, if you break up with this guy and stay dating. However, if you waste more years on him, you may run the clock out.

What do YOU want? He doesn't care what you want, so fuck what he wants. Do for you.

MirzyMoo · 11/08/2019 18:48

Don't stay hoping it will happen, you could be waiting years. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, go spread your wings @Jadeandjuniper

sofato5miles · 11/08/2019 19:20

He doesn't want to and what's even worse is disregarding and disrespectful.

He knows your timeline but does not care enough.

I am sorry it is very hard. But you need to walk. Start living your new life.

Fuzzywig · 11/08/2019 19:24

If he hasn’t proposed on your birthday, Christmas or valentines why don’t you propose? Next year is a leap year

HollowTalk · 11/08/2019 19:25

It's win-win if you get up and go now. He'll either realise he'd be crazy to lose you or he'll just give up. Either way a decision will be made. Whether you decide he's really the one for you is another thing.

AnneKipanki · 11/08/2019 19:31

He will probably say he wants to do the asking @Fuzzywig

Original poster

Jadeandjuniper · 11/08/2019 21:04

I don't want to propose because i want him to do it, probably because deep down i hope he wants commitment and to marry me. We've spoken about proposals and what kinda ring i'd like but he doesn't want to know :( he says he wants to pick it by himself.

I want him to want to propose and to want me :(

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 11/08/2019 21:08

Op, i mean this gently, but how can you marry a man who you don’t communicate with? If you can’t talk about tricky stuff can he be the man for you?

Original poster

Jadeandjuniper · 11/08/2019 21:12

We do talk, we talk a lot but what i am realising is that he hears what he wants and i feel every time like we've got somewhere because we've had another chat.
we're not getting anywhere , it's all on his terms. He does say the right things to give me hope.

OP posts:

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 11/08/2019 21:14

I want him to want to propose and to want me

I get that. You don't want to have to nag and set ultimatums. You want him to care as much as you do.

If you knew for sure that he would never propose, would you still want to be with him? Or would you decide to give yourself a chance at marriage with someone else?

Original poster

Jadeandjuniper · 11/08/2019 21:15

If i knew for certain that he wasn't going to propose i would walk away, i've thought about it many times. Its just that he says it will happen.
I suppose he says just enough to keep me from walking.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 11/08/2019 21:21

I suppose he says just enough to keep me from walking

This is it, I'm afraid. If he wanted to marry you, he'd have asked. Men tend to go after what they want and they like to lock it in when they've got it. He's not fussed and not asking. That's your answer.

He'll run down your clock and then possibly have kids with someone else. Don't do that to yourself.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 11/08/2019 21:22

I had this with serious boyfriend #1. He said he wanted to propose but would do it in his terms, he wanted to choose, I wanted it to be all romantic. After 8 years together, I proposed. He declined. He said he loved me but he wanted to propose when he was ready.

I left, eventually, not because of the proposal but I wish I had!

Serious boyfriend #2 proposed of his own accord, three years in. It was a big surprise, he was very excited to do it and he's loving wedding planning. He knew what he wanted to do and he did it.

In my experience, some men will just waste time and never feel "ready". The part of me that sees the best in everyone wants to believe he thought he wanted to do it and was waiting until he really did, the other part of me thinks they just waste time and hope that the older you get, the less likely to are to leave. When a person wants to propose, they will - it won't take endless conversations and ultimatums. There's no value in those. Take control of this yourself and set a wedding date in a conversation, or find someone who wants to propose. That's the only way you get any say; and in 2019 no women should be waiting around for someone to make their dreams come true.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 11/08/2019 21:22

I know it's really tough, OP. Because the bottom line is, he doesn't want to marry you enough. You might be able to panic him into a proposal (if you walked away and he knew you meant it) but I bet he would then drag his feet on picking a date, venue, etc. And you'd feel even more ignored and placated.

Op, I reckon you deserve a man who wants to marry you. And more importantly, one who listens to you, cares about what makes you happy and doesn't just say what you want to hear to get you to go back in your box.

Best of luck, op. 💐

lottiegarbanzo · 11/08/2019 21:25

You're Miss 'Will do for now' not Miss Right.

He's wasting your time, your fertility, your life.

Leave.

If he realises he really does want you, he'll come after you. If not, you'll find someone else.

You do know what you want at least, which is very helpful. Now, go and find someone who wants the same and get on with it.

30to50FeralHogs · 11/08/2019 21:34

Sadly, this man is most likely a time waster. He acts like he doesn’t want to get married, but I would bet my house on the fact that the next woman he meets he will marry and have kids within a year. They always do. It’s harsh, but if he wanted to marry you (presuming there are no practicalities preventing him from doing so) he would have done it.

And don’t accept a proposal to keep you quiet. He’s the type who will then string you along with a 10 year engagement too.

Life’s too short to be left wondering if your other half really wants to be with you.

This one’s not a keeper, throw him back and move on.

habibihabibi · 12/08/2019 01:30

Do you live with him OP?
I hear of so many males who don't want to commit to marriage yet live in an essentially marital set up with partners.
I did this myself with a time waster for six years.
Looking back we should have never moved in together . It made it so much tougher to split. When DH came along , I waited till we were engaged and planning a wedding to move in.

goingdeepinthesky · 12/08/2019 08:46

OP, he says he will propose but he never does? This is a harsh analogy, but the image in my head is of someone waving a biscuit just out of reach of a dogs nose, walking backwards and the dog following after them, never quite able to get the biscuit but following endlessly anyway.

Can you not see how ridiculous that is?

Why is he waiting? There is no reason for him to wait. If he wanted to be married to you, he would be by now.

He has no respect for what you want from life. That is not a partnership. He doesn't want you to get that biscuit. he just likes having you endlessly following after him.

Don't waste your chance to have kids on this guy. He's just not on the same page as you, doesn't want the same things and hasn't the respect or regard for you to leave you and let you get on with getting the life and family you want.

He's being really, really selfish to you.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/08/2019 09:00

What's going on in his head is 'this is comfy'. He has all the advantages of marriage with none of the commitments.

Length of time together has nothing to do with degree of commitment. Biding ones time in a comfy setting can go on for years.

When he does decide it's over, or does meet 'the one', things will move in the blink of an eye.

Pinkbonbon · 12/08/2019 10:29

Why would you want to marry someone who has to have everything on his terns and makes you feel like you aren't allowed to know where things are going and crazy to ask?

He's a pillock op. And he's also wasting your time. Actually he sounds a bit manipulative so if he wanted to marry you it would be even more worrying.

SallyWD · 12/08/2019 11:05

I had the same situation. We'd agreed to marriage and kids "at some point" but it just didn't seem to be happening. I kept thinking he was about to propose but he didn't. By the time I was 34 I was getting desperate because I really wanted children more than anything else. In the end I was actually forced to give him an ultimatum. He actually went away for a month to think about it! He knew he loved me but needed to think about whether he wanted kids as soon as I did. He decided he'd go ahead with it because he realised I couldn't wait any longer and he wanted his future to be with me. We had DC1 when I was 35. I was never too worried about marriage, I just wanted children. After DC1 he proposed and we got married before having DC2. Some men see the whole marriage and kids thing as happening one day but really panic about it happening NOW. It's only when my DH knew he was definitely going to lose me if he didn't commit that he was able to make that decision. If your DP knows he can get away with dragging his feet he'll continue to do so (I know mine would!). In your mid 30s if you want children you need to start acting. Be firm.

31RueCambon · 12/08/2019 16:49

You have to leave op. If he was ever hoing to propose then perhaps he will if he sees you mean it. If he lets you go, you have more time.
Time is precious.

BertrandRussell · 12/08/2019 16:51

What are your reasons for wanting to be married?

Original poster

Jadeandjuniper · 12/08/2019 19:54

I know it's looking bad but always harder when you're emotionally attached. But I take on board all of your opinions.
We live together but I sometimes feel we're more like lodgers and the intimacy or being passionate for me is lacking.

I always wanted marriage before kids. He has always said he wouldnt have kids until we get married x

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 12/08/2019 23:41

So not only is he not moving forwards with what you want regarding marriage and kids, but you're not even being intimate together or having any kind of proper romantic relationship?

What are you gaining from this? Nothing.

Flip

1 2