Advice on how to deal with unwanted attention

[drsleep1]

I know pervy men are unfortunately a part of life, but I'm not talking about the wolf whistling builders.

What does one do when they are getting unwanted attention from someone in a professional environment? Say it started off friendly and innocent, but gradually became a little bit weird, but not weird enough to warrant a meeting with HR.

Things this man does that make me uncomfortable:

1. Stands really close to me, I back away as I need personal space and he moves forward (not sure if this is intentional or he has spacial awareness issues)

2 compliments my clothes, almost every time I see him. If I'm wearing a dress he will say something about the design and look really obviously at my legs

1. Compliments my jewellery, and even touches my necklace
2. Calls me nicknames (like miss cutie)
3. Texts me at weekends asking for selfies (which I do not send)
4. Sends xxx on texts
5. Texts me every day telling me to have a nice commute to work
6. Nudges me and touches me when making jokes
7. Calls me to come and help him for any trivial thing at work

I should add he's over 30 years older than me.

Looking at it written down it sounds really bad. I feel uncomfortable about it, but don't want to create an awkward environment at work if he's just being friendly but has problems understanding boundaries. I've stopped replying to his texts but he keeps sending me messages regardless.

Advice please?

You say that doesn’t warrant a meeting with HR.

I say it most definitely does.

Read back your post and ask yourself if you really believe he's just being friendly.

He's trying it on with you. That doesn't make him a bad person, but he's obviously not good at taking a hint, so you need to tell him you're not interested.

Fwiw, in my experience, I've found that people like this are actually quite thick skinned and recover quite quickly!

I’d be talking to my manager or HR; I do think that warrants a meeting.
Is it someone in a position of power to you? If so definitely contact HR.
If not I’d consider telling them directly that they’re making you uncomfortable.

That DEFINITELY warrants a meeting with HR!

Luckily he texted you - absolute evidence for HR that he is a creep.

Looking at it written down it doesn't seem that bad?

Looking at it written down it looks awful!

It's a tricky one though, I've been in similar situations and honestly, wouldn't dream of speaking with HR as it would a) be cringeworthy b) make me feel arrogant as I'd fully expect him, if confronted to explain it all away and make me feel full of myself c) probably be awkward to work with him afterwards.

None of these are reasons NOT to speak work HR and in fact, are more reason to do so as it makes you feel so uncomfortable and you're worried about consequences. But the reality is more difficult.

If you feel comfortable doing it, you've definitely got grounds. If not, could you go with a response to one of these actions that is suitably firm but polite? Asking for selfies - "aw, I don't think that's appropriate given that we're work colleagues. Have a nice weekend, see you in the week", touching a necklace or leaning in too close, move away saying "sorry, I don't feel comfortable with that, but thanks I bought it last year in the sale, just loved it when I saw it..." etc.

You shouldn't feel uncomfortable dealing with it but I would understand if you did and that's probably the way I'd tackle it.

You're really under-reacting. He's the one behaving inappropriately and making a bad atmosphere. You shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable.

Are you answering his texts at the weekend/out of working hours? If you are, stop. Also, stop answering anything non-work related.

I had a co-worker who was slowly overstepping and starting to make me feel weird, and really let it get on top of me, but after a bit of kick up the bum from friends, told him he was making me feel uncomfortable and he backed right off. So you may be able to just tell him, and solve it that way.

Otherwise, you need to involve HR. Keep any texts etc. Asking you for selfies is way over the line.

I think you may have fallen into the trap of trying to be nice when it all started rather than deflecting it straightaway. It's the way so many of us women are conditioned: spare the man's feelings / men are like that / best not to say anything / just smile and hope he goes away.

So don't beat yourself up about it but do recognise that this is seriously inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.

I think the way you have written it in your post is very well set out and says it all. You could always adjust it into a letter and email it to HR. That way it's done, so there will be no awkward explaining on your part. It will all be out on the table before you speak to them.

And they bloody well need to have a word with him about boundaries and respect.

Why are you worried about the consequences and continuing to work with him? Is is a small workplace? Do you fear any kind of repercussions? You really shouldn't be put in that position. This is a valid workplace issue which needs to be resolved.

Talk to the other women in your work place and tell them how he is making you feel and ask them for their advice.

Tell him you aren't interested.

OP have you actually ever told him he is invading your personal space and making you feel uncomfortable? Is he also doing it - or has he - to other women in the office? Sometimes if you are just nice (whilst silently gritting your teeth) men can think it’s ok to do stuff like this. I’d be telling him to back off in no uncertain terms.

How has he got your number?

There's been a thread like this before.
My reaction to that is. It will get worse.
Don't be alone with him. Don't reply to weekend texts. Have a meeting with hr. your safety comes first.

I would send him a message that says ‘you might have noticed I don’t reply to your texts, we are colleagues and I’d prefer that we stick to that’. Then repeat ‘as mentioned before, we are colleagues, I’d prefer that you don’t contact me outside work’. If he calls you by a nickname say ‘my name is ‘drsleep’, if he is too close or touches you say ‘could you give me some space here’ as you step back.
You don’t have to engage with him acting like this if you are uncomfortable - if you are having to say any of the things I’ve suggested more than once, he is the one who is out of order, not you, not even a bit.

Ah OP, he means no harm, he obviously has a thing for you and is just trying to make you feel good. A LOT of men 30 years older and plus are really sexy and a great catch, he's probably confused and hurt as to why you are not reciprocating his amorous advances, id thread carefully op, tell him very very gently, to make sure and not hurt his feelings,. Perhaps play along even, to give his ego a little boost. Sure why not, he's a great man after all.

Obvious sarcasm above.

Report him to HR asap. Tell him on no uncertain terms to back the fuck out of your personal space, that you are not his "Miss Cutie" and that he is old enough to be your father.

His actions are actually bordering on stalking and no doubt sexual harassment and he IS a bad person.

Do you have to have his number for work reasons? Can you just block his number?

Block his no

Mans perspective for you here.

No 5 on the list is enough to go to HR with to be honest and if as you say in No 3 he is touching you, that's more than enough.

If the bloke is making you uncomfortable in the workplace like this, a trip to HR seems fine to me. Take examples of the text messages, etc. with you, it's better to have the evidence (photos of the messages).

You need to cut him dead and if that doesn't work contact HR they take things like this very seriously.

What is wrong with some men? Sometimes they think we are being hard to get when in fact we are just not interested.

@Sadiesnakes

Ha ha that made me smile!

the trouble with some men they still think young women fancy them when they don't. A couple years ago a man started shouting comments at me. I have blonde hair and from the back I look younger than I am (not ancient btw) When I turned around to confront him the look of horror on his face was a picture lol He thought a young women wouldn't have the confidence to answer back but he didn't count on middle aged me! I soon gave him a lecture about making comments to women and I hoped he hadn't been saying thing like that to women young enough to be his daughter because I am sure his wife wouldn't be very happy with him ... the balding 50 something soon scurried off back to his car ..(this was on a garage forecourt btw)

I don’t think he’s clueless about boundaries, I think he understands them all too well. He’s a chancer who is abusing the power imbalance between you in the hopes of conquest.

He isn’t the innocent party, do not give him another heads up just go straight to HR.

Have you told him you need to man up .
If this ever happens with anyone else you know to nip it in the bud.
On Monday you go in to work and tell him that he needs to stop otherwise you will report him.
It’s unfair with the stress that we have at work to have to add this to your list it has to stop.
Be brave and deal with it no ms nice girl anymore .
I’m in a rage I’d be really angry if this happened to my daughter.
Well that’s why I’ve been into every jobs she’s had to say hello.
Yes she 25 now but I’ve known enough to want to see the environment she’s works in after a case of bullying that went on when she was 16.
I go in with a bitch face and introduce myself .

If you don't want to go to HR then you need to tell him that he's out of order

Why the hell has he got your phone number? Block him ffs