Being told it’s not normal to be a single mum

[Whenthestormends]

I have the now ex in my mums house to see DD. I’ve kept out of his way, then he finds me to say that I think that being a single mum is normal when it’s not.. reminded him that it’s better than being in a dysfunctional relationship. Oh and I’ve embarrassed him, that’s I’ve had this all planned as all I want is a baby and child maintenance! That I should go back to the GP for PND.

6 years of emotional abuse and I’m so happy I am free, i still feel stressed but I just feel a weight has gone. EX has said he’d be contacting his lawyers for access even though I’ve said we should try to get arrangements sorting between ourselves, the lawyer statement was in response. So I’ve just said fine I’ll wait to hear from your lawyers, to which he went silent. Oh an up hill battle ahead for me but has to be better than staying, right?

Sounds like he is still trying the abuse and your response was great.

Stay strong

Nothing wrong with parenting alone and its a far better environment to raise a child in than being in a toxic relationship. He is still trying to abuse you. Having something legal and in writing will be the better option.

Stay strong OP. An emotional abuser won't ever change, it's who they are. He'll say anything as a last-ditched attempt to put you down.

I'd be recording visits from now but if you can't do that then keep a diary of everything he says.

Is your mum there at visits? Try to arrange to always have someone there with you, even to the point of someone there when you see him out of the door. This will take away his opportunities to abuse you and if he's stupid enough to still try then you'll have a witness.

It’s the first time I’ve not responded to any of his comments and if I have it’s to say believe or do what you want. Then he changed his tune to ask what contact arrangement would he and I said we need to discuss and asked if I wanted anything from the shops, I just politely declined.

Proud that I’ve been so strong spent the best part of 6 years believing that this was love and allow him to put me down and I just thought no more. I have to set an example to my DD and I do not want to end up like the women in his family.

And my mum or my sisters will be there at visits. He wouldn’t have the balls to say anything in front of my sisters they’re too strong for him.

Good for you! It’s not ideal but it’s very normal to be a single parent! He’s a single parent too in case he hasn’t realised. Keep it up.

Not ideal for me no, I know there are those who are lone parents through donors and that is perfect fine, for me I didn’t have a baby with a man I loved just to raise in two different homes. But for DD it wouldn’t have been a healthy example and I want her to have healthy relationships and to know her own worth. Don’t want her thinking it’s ok for mummy and also I want more for myself too.

OP you sound bloody awesome. Well done on finding your strength, it was there all along but the arsehole made it hidden.
With my ex I found that when I decided not to engage with the bullshit, not to respond to his insults and just to ignore them, only discussing the necessary things about DS a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and my mental health went from strength to strength.
Give yourself the freedom to disengage from his bullshit machine and you’ll soar.

How long did it take to get your normal self back @ParrotsForLife ?

I’m just thinking ok what is next, what else will he try and throw at me.

He's just shocked you finally left him and he's lost control.

You stay strong.

Oh and I’ve embarrassed him, that’s I’ve had this all planned as all I want is a baby and child maintenance!

Urgh, I've had to listen to BS like that as well. It does my head in.

Being an abusive dipshit partner and father is commonplace, but not desirable. Remind him of this, whenever you need to.

He will accuse you of everything going, simply nod and let it wash over you.

I do just nod and say ok to his comments. This morning I am having a what the hell have I done, broken a family, feeling guilty moment. Not that I can’t look after DD, just thinking to myself was it really that bad! But I know it was, affecting my mh so badly yet as soon as I got even the slightest break from him my moods would lift.

Took me a few months I’d say. He exhausted me. But every time he tried to get a rise out of me I had to choose not to let it.
Don’t feel guilt, you didn’t make this situation, he did, with his abuse.
You’re giving DD a happier childhood this way.

@ParrotsForLife I know, like I really want her to have a happy childhood. But will the guilt feeling ever pass?

Yes, yes, yes! Maybe not now in the 'fog' of a recent split, but as time passes you will realise it's the BEST thing you ever did for you and your daughter.

Had him call me this morning but I didn’t answer, then he sent me a message saying that he doesn’t want to lose me or DD, wants DD to be raised with her parents together, that he knows it’s been difficult getting back on track and that he has thought about leaving at points too.

I still haven’t responded, do you think I should ?

@Mumsymumphy I can’t wait for the fog to clear, I have moments of complete clarity and then moments of fear and guilt.. almost like better the devil you know

No

Don't bother arguing with him.

This is how they ''bait'' you.

They have a gift for saying the one thing that makes you want to prove yourself or defend yourself, or live up to some twisted distorted ideal they have in their head.

You know that it's not normal to want to manipulate people, but there he goes.

If you do respond at all shrug and say ''I accept how you feel''.

There's no response to that really. Don't wall in to the trap of trying to live up to some ludicrous puritanical ideal he has in his patriarchal misogynist abusive ego driven soulless self.

(Can you tell I dealt with this shit myself!)

no don't respond. other than to tell him to stop contacting you unless it's something he wants to discuss regarding the children.

OP,
Sit down to watch Meredith Miller ''Inner Integration'' on youtube. She is the expert. I've read her book as well. She has a gift for articulating the manipulation. You will be able to unhook yourself if you watch all of her clips on youtube.

He is still trying to control and emotionally abuse you.
Better everything is done legally and you hae as little contact as possible.
i expect he will give up when he finds someone else to abuse.
keep strong, we are always stronger then them - we are mums and mums will fight to the death.

watch these OP