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Original poster

Best friend's DH dating a colleague, do I tell her?

124 replies

KristinaBee · 10/08/2019 15:11

Hi all, regular poster on Relationships and AIBU but I have NCed as this post might be outing and I don't want it to be linked to my regular activity on Mumsnet.

I work for a large organization in a senior position, with 30+ people reporting to me. My best friend also works in the same company and in a senior position. Our DC go to the same school and are good friends, we are part of the same social group (which include our respective DHs) so we see each other often. Our DHs work in our company as well (it is a big employer in the area). We are all mid 40s.

I was aware that my friend's marriage had been rocky for a while, and she and her DH eventually decided to split up 6 months ago. He moved out of their FH 3 months ago. The separation has been amicable and respectful so far, they spend together with the DC and help each other when needed. Part of the reason why the separation has been so amicable is that no one else was involved.

Fast forward to this week, a colleague mentions that my friend's DH has been seen out on a date with a woman who reports directly to me. Apparently they looked very loved up and affectionate. This woman is 10 years younger than us, single, attractive and very good at her job. Our work relationship has been excellent so far. I feel a bit weird about her being involved with my friend's DH, although I understand it is none of my business.

The gossip will get out there in the office soon and people will start talking about it, if they haven't already. As both my friend and her DH have been working for this company for many years, everybody knows they were married and that they have recently split up. They were considered a bit of a "power couple" and it was a "big news" when the split came out a couple of months ago.

I don't think my friend knows her DH is seeing someone, let alone that specific younger colleague, whom she knows as well. She might find out through office gossips, which would be awful for her. I also can't help but wonder if maybe this has been going on for a while, perhaps even before the split? That would potentially damage the amicable nature of the separation.

What do I do? Do I tell her what I know? Do I stay out of it? I am really on the fence on what to do here Shock

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 12/08/2019 18:50

I think you did the right thing in telling her as you’re her best friend and if she’d have found out through another colleague at some stage and till taken him in the meeting room and bitten his head off.
She would also have given you a mouthful for NOT telling her.
Do think you should have told her after/outside of work though.

Her exH is a selfish wanker dating someone who she works with! It’s like a bloody soap opera.

VenusTiger · 12/08/2019 18:52

@Tennesseewhiskey I agree the place was not right, but he isn’t her DP he’s her ex

managedmis · 12/08/2019 18:54

This is a total mess already.

Who's gonna quit their job first?

Tennesseewhiskey · 12/08/2019 18:54

I agree the place was not right, but he isn’t her DP he’s her ex

I know that. That's why I went on to describe the situation for ops friends situation where we would have split then been told that.

I was, just, putting myself in the ops friends points of view thinking what's the equivalent worst thing I could here about a relationship in the middle of the day. Iyswim.

I would not thank anyone for dropping any news like that at work.

Wishihad · 12/08/2019 18:56

@venustiger if the friend can not understand why her friend could not tell her, to protect her own job and livelihood, then they arent really best friends.

And if she keeps having a go at people at work she is putting her own job at risk.

If she cant act professionally, that's her issue.

GeraldineFangedVagine · 12/08/2019 19:04

The ex husband sounds like a bit of a thoughtless wanker. I feel sorry for you and I’m sure you meant well, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Hope it doesn’t get too out of hand for any of you!

Lweji · 12/08/2019 19:28

Only now I realise that was a mistake

What the hell was the thread for?

Bignicetree · 12/08/2019 20:30

He can date who he wants and it was a mistake to tell her.

It had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you .
Or her really.

managedmis · 12/08/2019 20:31

Watch my word, in two minutes this thread'll be pulled

Bignicetree · 12/08/2019 20:36

And what has you being in a senior position in charge of 30 or more people (including the new woman) got to do with anything ?

VenusTiger · 12/08/2019 20:38

@Lweji she only told her today, thread started on Saturday

billy1966 · 12/08/2019 20:44

OP

You should not have told her in work.

I think you have put yourself in a really precarious position.

If anyone in work decides to query the drama that happened, it will all come back on you.

I mean it kindly, but you have acted very foolishly.

If I was your boss I would seriously question your judgement.

Keep yourself out of their drama.

You should have found the time, if you needed to tell her, out of the work environment.

You need to back away from this.
Clearly you don't know your friend as well as you think if her reaction is to cause an awful scene in work.

I think you should speak to her out of the work environment and go on record, maybe even via text to warn her to behave with dignity and courtesy around this women in work.

Do not repeat ANY further speculation to her.

She maybe a great friend but you also have a responsibility to your family to not cause strife in your career.

Do not look sideways at the woman who works for you.

Be scrupulously professional in every way and pray to God?! the shit storm you have unleashed doesn't end up taking you with it.

Good luck.

ShippingNews · 12/08/2019 20:47

There is nothing worse than finding out something like this, and then realising that everyone else knew before you did. Since you are best friends, I'd definitely tell my friend what I knew.

LisaMontgomery · 12/08/2019 21:24

You were absolutely wrong to share that info at lunchtime. You (and your friend) have demonstrated that you are both incapable of behaving professionally. You need to really hope the new girlfriend doesn't find out it was her boss who was gossiping about her personal relationships.

TatianaLarina · 12/08/2019 21:30

If you read the thread OP did it at lunch time because she doesn’t know when she might get another chance to talk to her without kids.

The longer OP left it the greater the likelihood BF would hear via office gossip. If BF then found out OP knew but didn’t tell her...

You did the right thing OP. Even if the fall out was more intense than you expected. There is no right time for that kind of news.

LisaMontgomery · 12/08/2019 23:01

I did read the thread. It was still wrong to share it at lunchtime. It shows really poor judgement - if best friend wasn't going to be bothered why tell her at all, and if she was likely to be upset after being told then why tell her when she is about to go in to the office with both of them.

It could also easily look like the OP was trying to stir up trouble which could come back to bite her professionally if the new girlfriend (who has done nothing wrong) finds out it was her boss who shared the gossip.

It was also unkind to the best friend - giving her no time to process the information or deal with her emotions before having to face the ex and new girlfriend. And now she's embarrassed herself at work.

areukiddingme · 12/08/2019 23:05

Why bother NC, the info you have given is so specific that anyone who remotely knows you, will know it’s you! Hmm

cccameron · 12/08/2019 23:27

People namechange for threads like this areukiddingme so if they are outed they can't be linked back to all their other threads on their normal username

OldAndWornOut · 13/08/2019 01:36

I don't understand the worrying about gossiping.
Surely two single people are allowed to date?

Winterlife · 13/08/2019 03:35

I don’t think it was a mistake to tell her. Had she learned it from someone else, and learned you knew, she would have been equally upset. She also may have been angry with you for withholding this from her.

The fault here lies with her husband. He should have been the one to tell her.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 13/08/2019 03:46

I would not tell her yourself. Purely because you might be accused of divulging personal information about an immediate report. Can someone else tell her? I agree she should know.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 13/08/2019 03:47

Sorry, just seen your update. You were right to let her know.

BogglesGoggles · 13/08/2019 04:40

That’s one hell of an incestuous work place! I would just stay out of it in your place.

edgeofheaven · 13/08/2019 05:34

It was a mistake to tell her at work where she could immediately confront her ex in the midst of an emotional reaction. It will make it more obvious to the new GF that you may have been the source and possibly affect your relationship as her manager.

Well good luck to all involved, this sounds like a mess.

KatherineJaneway · 13/08/2019 05:48

Think you you were dammed if you did and dammed if you didn't.

Your friendship couldn't survive you not telling her and later she found out you knew however as you've said not a good idea to tell her at lunchtime. It's done now, all you can do is ensure you treat the new girlfriend with utter professionalism and see what the fallout is.

Friends ex is scummy, choosing to date someone right under his ex's nose and not even being discreet about it.

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