Best friend's DH dating a colleague, do I tell her?

[KristinaBee]

Hi all, regular poster on Relationships and AIBU but I have NCed as this post might be outing and I don't want it to be linked to my regular activity on Mumsnet.

I work for a large organization in a senior position, with 30+ people reporting to me. My best friend also works in the same company and in a senior position. Our DC go to the same school and are good friends, we are part of the same social group (which include our respective DHs) so we see each other often. Our DHs work in our company as well (it is a big employer in the area). We are all mid 40s.

I was aware that my friend's marriage had been rocky for a while, and she and her DH eventually decided to split up 6 months ago. He moved out of their FH 3 months ago. The separation has been amicable and respectful so far, they spend together with the DC and help each other when needed. Part of the reason why the separation has been so amicable is that no one else was involved.

Fast forward to this week, a colleague mentions that my friend's DH has been seen out on a date with a woman who reports directly to me. Apparently they looked very loved up and affectionate. This woman is 10 years younger than us, single, attractive and very good at her job. Our work relationship has been excellent so far. I feel a bit weird about her being involved with my friend's DH, although I understand it is none of my business.

The gossip will get out there in the office soon and people will start talking about it, if they haven't already. As both my friend and her DH have been working for this company for many years, everybody knows they were married and that they have recently split up. They were considered a bit of a "power couple" and it was a "big news" when the split came out a couple of months ago.

I don't think my friend knows her DH is seeing someone, let alone that specific younger colleague, whom she knows as well. She might find out through office gossips, which would be awful for her. I also can't help but wonder if maybe this has been going on for a while, perhaps even before the split? That would potentially damage the amicable nature of the separation.

What do I do? Do I tell her what I know? Do I stay out of it? I am really on the fence on what to do here

Do not get embroiled in any of it - it is just a simple matter of time for it to come out anyway.
It really is none of your business (in the nicest possible way).
The messenger always get shot one way or another.

If she is a close friend you should tell her.

Many years ago, when my DP left me for no obvious reason a close friend told me shortly afterwards about his new girlfriend, who a mutual friend of ours had just met. I was very grateful as it made sense of what had happened and killed off any thoughts I had of reconciliation.

Since she is your best friend I would probably mention that I had heard a rumour they were dating but was unsure of any other details. Then she can prepare herself emotionally if she hears the gossip from another source. What an incestuous place your work sounds!

UPDATE: I decided to tell best friend today at lunch and I am really not sure it was a great idea. She burst into tears, she was really shocked and upset by the news which she didn't see coming at all.

Then we went back to the office and she pulled her DH into a meeting room and apparently bit his head off. You could hear they were arguing from the outside, although the content of the conversation wasn't understandable. The woman who is dating him was sitting next to me and I could tell she was panicking as she must have picked up something was wrong.

Then best friend walked out of the meeting room in a visibly upset state, followed by a distressed looking DH. Meanwhile the woman reporting to me was trying to ignore the situation but I could see she was on the edge.

Now best friend is really angry because she thinks her DH has been really disrespectful in openly dating someone who works at our same company so soon after their split. She thinks he is making her look like a fool, which I disagree with, as no one will think that of her.

Gosh what a mess, maybe I should have just shut up

Why on earth did you tell her at work?!?

We went out for lunch to a nearby park so it was just me and her. It felt like a good moment as I wasn't sure we were going to have another chance to meet up alone without the kids anytime soon?

Only now I realise that was a mistake

That's a shame. You did the right thing by your friend.

This isn't your fault at all. They made the call to date in her place of work. They would be naive to think it would be plain sailing, must be worth it.

You did the right thing. If that was her reaction when you told her imagine the shock she would have had if the office gossip blurted it out or if she saw them together, doesn't sound like they've been at all discreet! If she had found out via the gossip grapevine and then discovered you already knew I imagine shed be pissed off with you!

OP you should have kept out of it.

It's not so soon after to have a few dates. Maybe he shouldnt have dated someone at work. But given lots of you all seem to in relationships its not really a surprise.

She has acted entirely inappropriately at work. The only person making a fool of her is her.

She could have spoken to him outside work.

Now your direct report has been made very uncomfortable because of a situation that you, him and her have all dealt with very badly.

This could really backfire for all of you.

Who he is dating is really none of her business. If it was him kicking off about who she was dating, no one would have sympathy for him.

I think you did the right thing, bit too close to home if you ask em and could of potentially been something going on beforehand- who can say. Anyway it's done now, better it came from you than someone being vindictive in the staff cafe/coffee lounge! Poor woman 😐

You dod the right thing. He really should’ve told her. Her reaction could / would have been so much worse had she found out via gossip or seen them.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. Send her a message to let her know you are there if she needs & just keep carrying on professionally at work.

You were totally out of line and so was she. Crying and having screaming matches with her ex at work is not on especially given they’re no longer together and he’s free to date whoever he wants. Doesn’t matter whether anyone thinks he’s in the wrong it’s none of anyone else’s business, least of all yours.

And if I worked in a place where my direct manager went gossiping about my private life I would put in a grievence. Let’s hope it was worth it eh?

I think you did the right thing. They need to work through this now.

I can completely understand her feelings re. dating someone she knows, has to see everyday, is superior to, it’s just really really messy.

Why should he have told her? He’s single, she’s single, it’s nobody’s business. It’s not as if they’re getting married and having a baby together, they’ve been on dates is all.

As for the suggestion that it might have been going on before they split, way to stir the pot with information that you don’t even know...

None of your business. They are amicably seperated and what they each do has nothing to do with anyone else.

Some of us tried to warn you. No good comes from meddling in oher peoples private lives. You've not got three more enemies and three less friends plus a lot more office gossip.

He really should’ve told her
Yes he's a total areshole for not giving her the heads up and putting her in a situation where the workplace is gossiping about her before she knew. Yes he can date who he wants but have the decency to show a little respect.

Just to add many workplaces have policies re. dating in the workplace for this very reason. It causes problems!!! Instead of attacking the OP perhaps it would have been better if the best friends ex husband and the new girlfriend had been more discreet. Then no one could have ‘gossiped’.

Well clearly this workplace doesn’t considering the eXH and the friend were married in the first place.

And if this was a woman nobody would be saying she was in the wrong for dating someone her h worked with.

Well perhaps they have policies re. non married individuals dating. OP would know that.

Wow, you told her in the middle of the working day? Bit dramatic. Are you sure you’re friends?

Pretty sure since OP is speculating it was actually and affair, I am sure she would have said if it was breaking policy.

OP, however, could have broken policy

If this kicks off more, she is going to end up looking like a shit stirred, telling her at work. And being the manager of the perosn involved.

Massively unprofessional for her to start a row with her ex at work. If they both reported to me I would be letting them know how piss poor their behaviour had been.

No doubt if she had started a new relationship the ex DH would be told to suck it up and to stop being so controlling if he had a problem with it.

Yes, wishihad I agree.

Well from here it already looks as if the OP was shit-stirring. I wonder in fact whether she herself has designs on the ex or whether in fact she dislikes this woman enough to want to cause her upset.

Certainly if someone who professed to be my friend shit-stirred like that I wouldn’t ever speak to them again.

But since the OP did her stirring in the middle of the working day it sounds as if she enjoyed the drama.

@NoCauseRebel I agree.

If my best friend told me dp was cheating on me in the middle of the work day, I would be so angry with her. If me and dp split up and she told me he was with someone else, I would be angry with her.

Of dp worked with us and she told me he was seeing someone on her team and I had to walk back in the office having that dropped on me, I would be livid with her.

I would expect any member of staff to be furious that their manager had done this, in the middle of the work day. Then would be furious that the soon to be exwife had aired the dirty laundry at work. All because their own manager had chosen to got involved.

If you work with friends or family, you must have a defined lines.

Because here you have should poor professional judgment. Because you have been influenced by the fact that you love her. If this ends up being a drama, op, you are right in the middle of it. And one of the people involved work for you. You have shown you will put your friendship above your job, her job and the business.