Separating from Mr Perfect and other people's reactions?

[Elderflour]

When describing him, his parents have always used phrases like "no trouble" "easy-going" "relaxed" "laidback" "helpful". His friends are awfully protective of him, decribing him as "easy" "sensitive" "thoughtful" "lovely".

After having 2 children with him, I have found him stubborn, controlling, thoughtless, selfish, self righteous, self-indulgent, passive aggressive, possessive, secretive and deceitful.

My parents are well aware that our relationship has been failing for some time and know how I've been feeling. His parents haven't a clue what has really been going on and he is about to tell them we are separating. They will no doubt want to speak to me about what has happened and want to help us salvage things. But our relationship is now very toxic, I am behaving appallingly and have become agressive towards him through sheer frustration and feeling trapped. I know it's over.

I do not intend on telling people the whys and whats, but I know it is likely that I will.need to tell some people why I am initiating separation. Thing is...
Nobody will believe me.
He's an angel in the eyes of everyone else, I am even questioning if this is all my fault... have I made him this way? He's not like this with anyone else.

He has never had to face up to responsibility until the children came along, and frankly, he can't cope with it. I am angry with his parents for spoiling him (even now) which leads him to behave sulkily, passive aggressively and with immaturity when he is faced with responsible parenting.

I've no doubt that I'm going to be facing the blame for everything, as he's so lovely in the eyes of everyone else. Is there a way to handle his parents' reactions without me getting angry or upset or feeling the need to defend myself by telling them everything? They wouldn't believe me anyway.

To add-my own parents live in another country so I don't have them around for support. DH's parents live 2 miles away and we see them all the time.

Don’t worry about what other people think, it’s how he treats you that’s important. I worried about this for years with my ex but it turns out that others really could see what he was like and how badly he treated me. I think in most divorces parents will generally side with their own children whether they are at fault or not. Just be polite and don’t get dragged into any arguments. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone else. You only get one life and it’s too short for regrets! Good luck!

I'd view it from a purely practical point of view.

Firstly, thank goodness your parents know the truth and are on your side.

His parents will probably automatically take his side. You can't change their opinion on this one.

What you can do is influence how they (and he) deal with you on a practical level, particularly over child custody and access. So make sure you come across as a paragon of rationality and reasonableness (and make bloody sure there's a paper trail showing this) so that if he wants to get nasty about custody, there are no ill-judged 3.00am texts from you lurking about that he can twist into some sort of campaign against you.

"Let's make sure we remain on good terms for the sake of the children..." rinse and repeat. "Always good to get arrangements for the children in writing, so there's no room for confusion, because both of us just want what's best for them..." rinse and repeat. And so on.

As for friends, I'm afraid you'll find this acts as a kind of "wanker-filter". Those of your friends who are real friends will listen to you and realise all sorts of things may have been going on under the surface that they didn't know about (because most adults are canny enough to know you never know the whole truth about someone else's marriage). The ones who take his side are the ones you're better off without.

Sounds like "street angel house devil".

If people ask you could just say "he is very different as a partner than as a son/friend/brother" etc, then end the conversation.

You're unlikely to convince people, so your energy would be better spent trying to get comfortable with not giving a shit what people think.

And don't trust his family too much. These sort of men don't usually spring from nowhere.

You could use the phrase “you don’t know what goes on inside a marriage unless you are in it”
Or “you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors” or I am extremely unhappy or something catchall like that. Or I don’t want to discuss it.

You will definitely get lots of "but... why?!?! He's such a nice, you've got everything" etc etc etc. After a while you will want to lamp anyone who says this to you.

At least if you expect it it won't take you totally by surprise.

Definitely do not engage with his parents if they try and make you change your mind.
It might be an idea for you to BOTH agree that you ask the other's parents not to contact you/ your ex as you will "find it too distressing" and you need space. But to reassure them that you want an ongoing relationship eith them for the sake of the children (obviously you don't say the last bit!).

The other thing i would say is, don't go slagging your ex off to all and sundry but a few choice anecdotes can help rebalance the books a bit. Obviously a fine line to tread between grey rock and vicious ex there.

People realise there is no such thing as ‘perfect’ trust me. Often people are so nice to everyone else, when they get home their true selves come out. Just do what is right for you.

‘The reality of marriage and parenting with him is very different.’

The end. Leave the rest to people’s imagination. It doesn’t really matter what they think. Good that you have the support of your own family though.

It’s nobody’s business but if they keep prying you could say “He just wasn’t the man I thought he was”

I think I’d just say it didn’t work out/not suited to each other/ not making each other happy neutrality.

Also your attacking & acting aggressive towards him may be a form of self defence for you- since realising who he is you want to get away from this toxic person & since they threaten your emotional wellbeing, emotionally you are lashing out to try & create distance between you.

Sometimes people want to break up, so they start behaving in a way that encourages their partner to do the breaking up bit for them

I too am guilty of lashing out at my abuser, but in hindsight it is not in my nature, it was my instincts telling me to get him away from me

There is the saying, "Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind".

Living your life according to what other people think or might think is a horrible way to exist. You have no sense of self, you'll always be judged by others' standards.

It is no-one's business what goes on in a marriage.

I second the advise given by PP, stay civil and grey rock any goady messages. Rinse and repeat, "Everything has to be in the best interests of the children."

My STBXH was exactly the same and more.
Blood is always thicker than water.
He will not own up to his behaviour to his parents, he will lie that it is you!
They probably won’t try to sort things out for you and the kids! ..only for him.
And who do you think enabled his actions....in my case the MIL.
( parents]
She hasn’t spoken or visited her grandchildren since last yrs Boxing Day!
And between them the have managed to paint me as the next anti -Christ!!
Rock on! I can sleep every night with a clear conscience as I know that’s not who I am. And, im still standing and providing for OUR kids
So, that’s a measure of them not me (or you!)

Dont bother belittling yourself for him to them, as you say the won’t believe you anyway.
Step back, do what’s go for you and the kids.

Why not say something bland and non blaming and slightly tongue in cheek like ‘I’m not the right woman for him’.

If they really push to know ‘he doesn’t contribute enough to the partnership for me’.

We just grew apart is a good phrase to use

I’d be more neutral ‘There are irreconcilable differences’ followed if necessary by ‘I’m not going to discuss it’

Yy to we just grew apart or if being told he's brilliant say he behaves differently at home.

Remember too that people see more than you think. I have friends who were married to guys everyone loves but when the divorce was announced nobody was much surprised in fact the chat was like "Yeah, he's relaxed / fun but could you imagine being married to that. I'd murder him, I always wondered how she wasn't bothered. I guess she was in the end."

Same position as you OP. Try really hard not to get hung up on what ppl think because it can be a huge barrier to healing.

Learning to trust yourself and your judgment is more important than explaining to ppl who can't really relate to what you are saying

Oh, and their character will show, the truth will out. You will get the validation you need, some day. I've had it over and over again.
They can't help themselves.... also, he may be great at telling you that others think he's brilliant/funny/smart/talented etc. Doesn't make it true. Doesn't mean it actually happened. He's probably exaggerating (I can see how my ex tried to paint himself as Mr Fabulous, which was and remains so far from the truth)

Also I believe you took on some of his traits in order to keep the peace and not rock the boat... I became angry/occasionally aggressive. The sheer stress almost finished me off..
I understand your pain and hope you'll be ok.

I agree with above. People often see far more than you realise.

I think the phrases above are very good.

It's for the best, I'm not the woman for him.

It's in the children's best interests that we seperate.

It's definitely for the best.

My favourite was a friend of mine, whom when she finished with her "fabulous guy" and was told this, would just concur, and say "oh he's a real saint, what can I be thinking!", with a large false smile on her face.

He was none of those things!

Best of luck.

Sounds exactly like my ex.

Please don't worry what people think, it's not their life. It's also none of their business.
People who don't believe you will likely never believe you and unless they've had two children with him, they shouldn't have an opinion.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors.

People very rarely give a shit anyway. How much have you ever cared about the detail of someone else's break up?

You don't have to discuss it with his parents. If they want to speak to you about it, you are entirely within your rights to tell them you don't wish to discuss it with them.

We've grown apart/ want different things from life - whatever, there's so much to think about in the future, what anyone says is not that importznt, you've a whole new life ahead.

It's more his family that will be bewildered. I'm pretty certain they think I've hit the jackpot with such an easy going guy. MIL gushes about him a lot, but I do wonder if ahe does this because really she has her own reservations.

I know DH has already told his brother and SIL that I have "anger issues."
Nothing about them being brought on by his deceitful, snidey, calculated antagonistic behaviour which nobody would believe anyway.