Separating from Mr Perfect and other people's reactions?

[Elderflour]

When describing him, his parents have always used phrases like "no trouble" "easy-going" "relaxed" "laidback" "helpful". His friends are awfully protective of him, decribing him as "easy" "sensitive" "thoughtful" "lovely".

After having 2 children with him, I have found him stubborn, controlling, thoughtless, selfish, self righteous, self-indulgent, passive aggressive, possessive, secretive and deceitful.

My parents are well aware that our relationship has been failing for some time and know how I've been feeling. His parents haven't a clue what has really been going on and he is about to tell them we are separating. They will no doubt want to speak to me about what has happened and want to help us salvage things. But our relationship is now very toxic, I am behaving appallingly and have become agressive towards him through sheer frustration and feeling trapped. I know it's over.

I do not intend on telling people the whys and whats, but I know it is likely that I will.need to tell some people why I am initiating separation. Thing is...
Nobody will believe me.
He's an angel in the eyes of everyone else, I am even questioning if this is all my fault... have I made him this way? He's not like this with anyone else.

He has never had to face up to responsibility until the children came along, and frankly, he can't cope with it. I am angry with his parents for spoiling him (even now) which leads him to behave sulkily, passive aggressively and with immaturity when he is faced with responsible parenting.

I've no doubt that I'm going to be facing the blame for everything, as he's so lovely in the eyes of everyone else. Is there a way to handle his parents' reactions without me getting angry or upset or feeling the need to defend myself by telling them everything? They wouldn't believe me anyway.

Who cares OP, really, you'll be rid of him.

The smile on your face and your happy demeanor will be very telling to everyone.

A mother who gushes that much about her adult son probably succeeded in raising a narcissist.

How about "I'm still hurting and I don't want to talk about it" and presuppose compliance "I know you'll understand and respect my needs"

MIL gushes about him a lot, but I do wonder if ahe does this because really she has her own reservations

My DM was very supportive of DBs marriage, helping with DCs etc, but looking back I think it was because he was a prat and not easy to live with and she wanted it to work. Not quite the same scenario but you could be right about DMIL. They divorced anyway.

but I know it is likely that I will.need to tell some people why I am initiating separation.

Er, no you don’t need to explain/ justify to anybody. Be prepared that he will be busy playing the victim and because he’s family they will choose his side. Don’t waste your time giving you your side of the story they won’t care and they will take his side over yours.

@Elderflour I can relate to quite a lot of what you saying. I've seen hints of this type of behaviour in my own H. MIL always spoke so highly of him, my family think he's wonderful because he's successful and loaded. He lead me a married through hell these past two years and no knows apart from one person.. I had a heart to heart at Christmas with his mother. Guess what, she started the conversation and told me all about his narcissistic father and how badly he treated her. I bust into tears and she knew exactly why. Don't be surprised if the most unexpected person reaches out to hold your hand and anyone who chooses not to see the bigger picture isn't worth knowing xx

Sometimes people just bring out the worst in each other. People become incompatible and drift apart.

In real life we see both sides to a story even if one person is close to us. In real life most people will be neutral unless close family or friends. Even then they will privately accept that he was at fault. In a divorce he could be openly the devil incarnate and his mother and family will stick by him.

This isn’t something you can control so don’t even try because people won’t thank you for it.

You don’t need to tell his parents anything or explain anything. That’s up to him. Apart from nodding hello at rare joint events for the children you don’t have to deal with them. You shouldn’t deal with them.

Everyone else will know there’s more to relationships and people than what we see on the surface. A lot of people will have seen through things anyway. That you idolised him at one point means you are not the person who was going to be party to the negative comments about him.

Strong personal traits that carry someone in good stead in lots of situations can be equally negative in other situations. Easy going and affable is useless in a crisis (all of early child years). Just like being decisive and quick thinking can become overbearing. We all know this.

Easy enough to say, we didn’t see eye to eye over parenting and marriage. Being together was turning us both into horrible people. Best for all if we split. That’s what most people will think anyway.

Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone still thinks my ex is/was wonderful in every aspect. But he was selfish, and unloving to me. So I walked out the door. I just told my Parents that I’ve already left exdh.. they were like “oh well, life throws some curve balls”.

It’s really nobody else’s business but yours and your husband. Everyone else can take a running jump ! But you find out who your real friends are in the end.

And his mother was the gushy sort too, oh boy, she praised him, his brother, grandchildren no end.. she's died before we split, which helps.