Some serious advice needed!

[Mummyismynamee]

Hello everyone! I apologise for the long story but I just really need to get a few things of my chest and work out what is best to do.
My partner and I have a 1 year old together and we are both quite young (20). After having my daughter I have matured so much but him not so. He can be externally immature and quite harsh at times. He has even told me on countless occasions that he didn't want to have a baby and I've ruined his life. Don't get me wrong he absolutely adores our wee girl and he is amazing with her but this really doesn't sit well with me. He uses this as an excuse to not do a lot of things because "it was me that wanted a baby". I find myself constantly doing everything around the house and for our daughter. I totally understand that he works full time but he doesn't realise that I need a break aswell! I have found that my days only really consist of me running after our daughter and tidying up all his mess, then doing it all again when he gets home! (He is externally messy). He is also very harsh when we have a disagreement or I ask him to do something. Don't get me wrong when we have a good time it's amazing but it doesn't seem to happen that often these days. He is also a pot smoker. I get that I knew this about him when we got together but I don't understand why it is so difficult for him to at least cut down. He smokes it everyday after work and all day at the weekends. If he doesn't smoke it he is extremely agitated and mean. I have sat him down so many times and asked him to cut down but he just says I'm trying to change him into someone he's not. It's costing so much money, and when I try to talk to him about our money situation I get told it has nothing to do with me. I really do love him but I find our relationship is just alot of stress for me. I just really need some advice as to what to do in this situation? Thank you x

He is also a pot smoker.

Get him away from your baby. No excuses. His pot smoking will get worse. I don't mean this as a threat but if social services get involved they will ask you why you failed to protect your baby from him. The pot smoke. The dealers/customers that come to the house at all hours.

What do “externally immature” and “externally messy” mean?

External means outside.

He does keep it all completely away from our baby and no one comes to our house at all. He has been smoking it for years and I get that it is probably a hard thing to stop. He smokes outside and our baby is never exposed to it in any way at all. He would never to anything to harm or put our daughter in danger. Sorry that was not specified.

@MoreSlidingDoors I meant extremely. Sorry for the confusion.

leave him.

our baby is never exposed to it in any way at all.

How is that possible? He’ll be exhaling it for hours afterwards, smoke on his clothes etc. Does he never hold his baby?

Adding my voice to the chorus of leave him. The pot smoking is a major issue. The other things you've mentioned individually are major issues. He's a mean lazy bastard and your life will be better without him in every way. Why would you want to stay?

@JuneSpoon Yeah I totally agree it's a major issue. I guess I have just been hoping he will stop for us as he has for a while in the past. I feel like I do need to leave him, it's just a really hard thing to do breaking up a family. I'm sorry if this makes me a bad mother as other people have been quick to suggest. All I want is for my daughter to be happy and healthy.

I lived with a pot smoker for years. Wish it had ended sooner. The drug always comes first. He also sounds a nasty person. You would be better of on your own

@MoreSlidingDoors I appreciate what your saying and thank you for your input, but I feel as if your comments are to make me feel stupid. I am a Young mum and was really hoping for some advice as this is obviously stressing me out a lot for me to post on here. I didn't come here to be made to feel stupid and more stressed out. I hope you understand.

@Myoldtable thank you, it's nice to hear from people who understand the situation.

I didn't come here to be made to feel stupid

You maybe need to think more about what you say then. Your partner can’t be keeping all traces of weed/tobacco away from your baby unless there’s a massive exclusion zone between them. Second hand smoke is a serious health concern and you should be putting your baby’s health above anything else. If your partner can’t do that too, then kick him out. Your baby deserves a lot more.

Nothing to do with your age.

He has even told me on countless occasions that he didn't want to have a baby and I've ruined his life. Don't get me wrong he absolutely adores our wee girl

Sorry OP you may be only 20 but you've chosen to be a parent and that means you have to start protecting your child.

What's your housing situation? Do you rent/own? Who's on the tenancy/deeds? Do you have family nearby who could put you up?

He has no intention of stopping smoking pot. You could ask him to though. He will be throwing the accusation that you wanted a baby in your face for years to come.

He has no need to grow up. You do it all, so, you are enabling him. It's quite telling that he has his life and you have yours, yet you carry on the pretence of being a couple/a family.

Do you have any support close by, parents or other family?
He sounds utterly useless and irresponsible.....

The dealers/customers that come to the house at all hours.

This isn't a reality of a daily cannabis user. It's saying silly things like this which will just make him reject anything you say at all. It would be like me seeing you with a glass of wine, knowing you have kids, and assuming that you are regularly drunk when looking after them.

He says you've ruined his life ? Says it all really. OK, he adores the daughter he created. Fine.

He isn't going to be bothered with her when the parenting gets harder and relentless. He doesn't see why he should.

You've ended up parenting him. That's something else for you to do. That's something else for him to resent.

His resentment fuels his pot smoking. His laziness. Him being messy. He'll be having this long running low level tantrum for many years to come. You're the mother of this child he didn't want. That's all you are to him.

Ask him out right if he loves you and if he's looking forward to a future with you. Ask him if he would like to have a brother of sister for your daughter in the future. (I doubt he's planning on having any more children with you, sorry.)

@Kewlwife Yes I totally agree. I think some people has taken what has been said slightly out of context. I did not mean to make it come across that this is happening as I would never allow that for a second around my daughter.

OP I've had experience with pot and it comes first.
You're a young lady seeking advice. I hope pp's with more help and kind advice come along.
You're looking for help, not help with typos.
My advice is the pot smoking will get heavier, he will get more defensive about the money, have you somewhere to go to get space from each other until he realises all he has is his pot.
If you don't have somewhere to go, tell him to leave for awhile, it may be forever as he may not change, it is his choice.
Unless he gives up your life will always be shit, no money, pot first, if he has none you'll be subjected to his mouthy meanness, his anger, an addict who cant get his hands on pot.
You deserve better Darling. Goodluck

It's saying silly things like this

Apologies @kewlwife. I'm just not cool enough, obviously.

It sounds awful for you @Mummyismynamee and I'm really sorry to say that it's highly unlikely to get any better.

He's already telling you that you alone are responsible for the birth of your young child which is plainly ridiculous.
My concern with this is that he's setting a trend to dump any responsibilities on you,whilst also preventing you from making adult decisions (finances). You do see how this will put you in an impossible position?

Another aspect to look at is the lack of respect he's showing you and how this will impact on your daughter and her expectations of relationships.

One of the things that's true in life is that people can change,but only if they want to and only if the impetus comes from themselves. I'm sorry to say this guy just isn't showing any indication that he's wanting to make changes.

If you're finding it difficult to be objective, try writing it all down and then pretend a friend (or your daughter in 20 + years time) has written to you for advice, what would this be?

This is one of those times where you have to be your own best friend and do what you know has to be done.

He sounds like a total arse hole who will not change, as he hasn't had to.

See if you set up a stable life for you both without him, other wise you are setting yourself up for years of misery.

The smoking bit isn't great. Sounds like he can't function without it. I smoked a lot of green before I was a parent, and now only have the odd one when my son is staying out over night so May be every couple of months.

Realistically, your life won't be worse without him. In all probability you'll be better off.

Good luck, you and your wee girl deserve better.

I find our relationship is just alot of stress for me

That sentence says it all for me, a partner should make your life easier, not harder. I'd be thinking about a trial separation (at least) tbh OP, just see what life feels like without him there. You're already doing everything on your own so it doesn't sound like he's adding much to your life apart from extra work, stress and a bad atmosphere if you ask anything of him or he can't get weed. I have a feeling you won't miss him as much as you might think you will.

@ToEarlyForDecorations He tells me he says this out of anger and does not mean it but it still really bothers me. He sees it as he was too young to have a baby and his life is gone. He tells me he loves me all the time and I really do love him to. As I said we do have some good times together. He says he sees a future with me but we both have different goals. He wants to focus on short term whereas I am very long term about it

You say he would never do anything to harm your DD or put her in danger but in a way he is. He is setting her a template for her future relationships. I know she's tiny now but he won't suddenly change into a great dad. If she sees adult relationships where Mum has to do the adult work of 2 adults and the male thinks it's the 1950s that will become her idea of normal. Put your child first and do what good parents do - give her a model of happy, equal and grown up love. You won't get that with this kidult but you might get that with someone else and if you don't, you can always show her what a strong single Mum who takes no shit looks like.