Some serious advice needed!

[Mummyismynamee]

Hello everyone! I apologise for the long story but I just really need to get a few things of my chest and work out what is best to do.
My partner and I have a 1 year old together and we are both quite young (20). After having my daughter I have matured so much but him not so. He can be externally immature and quite harsh at times. He has even told me on countless occasions that he didn't want to have a baby and I've ruined his life. Don't get me wrong he absolutely adores our wee girl and he is amazing with her but this really doesn't sit well with me. He uses this as an excuse to not do a lot of things because "it was me that wanted a baby". I find myself constantly doing everything around the house and for our daughter. I totally understand that he works full time but he doesn't realise that I need a break aswell! I have found that my days only really consist of me running after our daughter and tidying up all his mess, then doing it all again when he gets home! (He is externally messy). He is also very harsh when we have a disagreement or I ask him to do something. Don't get me wrong when we have a good time it's amazing but it doesn't seem to happen that often these days. He is also a pot smoker. I get that I knew this about him when we got together but I don't understand why it is so difficult for him to at least cut down. He smokes it everyday after work and all day at the weekends. If he doesn't smoke it he is extremely agitated and mean. I have sat him down so many times and asked him to cut down but he just says I'm trying to change him into someone he's not. It's costing so much money, and when I try to talk to him about our money situation I get told it has nothing to do with me. I really do love him but I find our relationship is just alot of stress for me. I just really need some advice as to what to do in this situation? Thank you x

@EmeraldShamrock Thank you so much, I truly do appreciate it.

I would never allow that for a second around my daughter.

So you're supervising him when he's around your daughter ? As well as supervising your daughter yourself when he's not around ? He's just creating work for you.

What happens when you're ill ? Or there's a family emergency or any other reason why you can't supervise him when he's parenting your daughter ?

You are making excuses now and he will continually be bargaining with you about pot/your daughter/parenting. As well as being pleased with what he can get away with so you can't have a go at him.

@MuthaFunka61 Thank you. Your totally right. It's hard but I have to do what's right for me and my daughter. I really appreciate it x

@NomDeQwerty Yes you are totally right👏🏻 Thank you!

Your post of 3pm.
He can tell you he loves you every second of every day but words mean absolutely nothing if they're not backed up with actions. Not occasional gifts or odd half hours when he's 'babysitting' his own child. He's not really behaving as if he loves you, is he?
The thing is that he's told you the truth. He does think he was too young. He does think his life's been ruined. You're just choosing not to believe him.
I can't see a happy ending for you in a relationship with someone who clearly doesn't deserve you. You sound like a good Mum to me. Raise your bar, kick him out and make him meet his financial commitments to his child. I think you'll both be better off without him.

The weed comments are hilarious - these will be the same mums drinking a bottle of wine before they bath and put their kids to bed. I think some pp have been really patronising towards you.

@wlucy Thank you I thought it was just me that thought that.

I really hope you heed the advice given here. Although I do believe some people are making this seem more extreme than you probably see it, but i think you should start preparing and planning on leaving. You will not ever have the type of life you'd want with this guy. Staying with him prevents you from moving on, establishing the life and lifestyle you want for you and the baby. Imagine, livi g in a clean home, where you're making all the decisions. Not having to pick up after anot6full grown child. Never worrying about being guilted into doing EVERYTHING with comments like "well i never wanted kids, this was your decision ". It's not that hard on your own. In fact it's easier when you get rid of the deadweight, believe me. At 20 yo, you can get yourself together and then make the decision if you want to find someone else. Someone who isn't a burden or another responsibility, but someone who respects you and your child. Someone who adds to your life in a positive way. Or stay single and pursue your dreams. This deadbeat loser is a drag on your whole life. Please don't hang onto to this situation wrongly thinking its in the best interest of staying a family. It's years of your life you can't get back. And your family is you and the babe. PLEASE take action now before losing any more time!

What an awful role model for your daughter. How could you even consider raising a child with this man. I'm sorry OP, it sounds so harsh but you should definitely leave him and start afresh.

Look, I know you dont want to hear this, but you chose a bad un as a father.

A guy who says he doesn't want his child, that's not a good person.

The fact that you tell yourself he doesn't mean it, seriously doesn't matter at all.

If you care about your dd, get this guy out of her life. There will come a time when she will learn that he doesn't want her and resents you for her being born. Dont put your dd in harm's way like this.

Don't let your delusions and fantasies about this guy stand in the way of your dds future mental health. If you stay with him, dd will end up in the same type of shit relationship that you are in. She will feel.unwanted and unlovable.

Thank you I thought it was just me that thought that

So you're not that bothered about him smoking pot. I'm assuming you used to smoke pot too ? Or not ?

If he smokes every evening and all day at weekends, where is he if it doesn’t affect your baby? Is he not in your home?

Hey. You aren't the first woman that hopes and expects a man will mature when a baby comes along and you won't be the last. Most rational people change their bad habits or at least cut down on them when they become a parent and they also stop living for theirself and realise that the child comes first.

So saying that, it doesn't matter what you knew he was like before. He was a pot smoker and lazy and being hopeful (as we should be) you thought he might change. This doesn't make you wrong, bad or stupid. It makes you human. He should be willing to change his ways for his child but sadly, it doesn't seem like he will. Some people are just very selfish.

Your age also doesn't matter. My sister had a baby at 17 and is a great mum as are you. Her partner, like yours, didn't change his ways either once she had her daughter and they split up after some time. She matured, he didn't, she ended up having enough and ending it.

You know now that it's likely he won't change and you want to do something now. He doesn't hit you or your daughter so you aren't putting her in danger here. She's just in a less than ideal situation but you didn't choose this.

The choice is yours now though. Being a single mum is tough but you do it all now anyway. He doesn't give you any say over finances either and spends a lot on pot so you'd probably actually be better off leaving him and claiming benefits for a while until your daughter is 3 or so and you can get a job.

Just because he didn't change or grow up, that doesn't mean you made a bad choice. You just hoped and don't let this lay about kill your hope. There's good men out there who love being dads and helping out but then there's one's that stay child like forever and sadly, some women get caught up with them!

When cannabis inevitably becomes legal, I wonder how people will be so judgey?

Honestly, most of my friends, myself and my partner have at least one alcoholic drink a day. At least. And I know I'm not that different to most middle class 30 something parents.

At 20 you've your whole life ahead of you.
What sort of a life do you think you'll give both yourself and your daughter if you stay with a pot head? I'll tell you. It will be a miserable one OP.
I think that you have a really mature and caring attitude to life and you instinctively recognise that something isn't right in this relationship. You're smart. Act on it.
Don't waste your life on a loser.

Be strong OP. Be strong.

I rather agree with the general consensus about the pot smoking. Your guy is clearly addicted and dependant. Think how it would be if this was alcohol or gambling. Addictive behaviour is damaging to any relationship and if not stopped usually escalates.

I don’t necessarily have advice as I haven’t had to navigate a similar situation myself, but he certainly sounds very immature and it’s definitely not unreasonable that you’re feeling aggrieved about all this. Pot smoking is not ‘who he is’ and encouraging him to be a healthy, mature, responsible version of himself for the sake of both himself and your family is not unreasonable. It sounds like he is struggling on some level with the responsibility of becoming a parent and is nurturing resentment and building a narrative where he doesn’t have to bear responsibility for the situation. I think in that scenario I would look for an opportunity for a short breather - would that be possible for you? Could you enlist family to look after your daughter for a few days to give you a chance to gather your energies and reflect? This i think would help you to approach him confidently to discuss what’s happening. I would try not to be confrontational as by the sounds of it he would just throw a tantrum and sulk at having things required of him. But calmly present to him the difficulties you are having and ask him if he wants to help you work and build on things in a positive way. You can’t make him step up and take responsibility but I suppose speaking with him as calmly and sympathetically as you can might encourage him to open up and give you the chance to better judge how you might want to move forward.

I’m sure there will be others along with some good advice

Hi @Mummyismynamee.

It's not that I'm right,it's that you agree.
Now take that power and run with it!

@Mummyismynamee

I've learnt the hard way that posting on these sites aren't always the best idea when your looking for a bit of positive encouragement in the right direction, you get shot down and judged very quickly - very easy to do when your on your high horse.

Please don't take the very direct comments too personally.

It does sound like you would be better on your own but I know that takes a lot of courage to do, whatever the situation is! Try to be strong and do what's right for you and littlun, it may actually make him step up as a dad, and if not then she's got you!

Leave the weed out of it: I divorced my husband because I felt like a single parent and realised I'd be less resentful if that became a fact.

I'd recommend it. One less person to be tidying up after. and no resentment because there's no-one to resent.

You may even get the odd night off if he decides he wants access. I wouldn't hold your breath tho. He sounds like all words (I love you) and no action.

And he's an addict. You may not want to face that, and other posters are making out he isn't - but if it is changing his behaviour etc, then he is - and I'd say the same about a woman drinking every night.

Being a single mother may sound hard, but being the partner of this man will turn out to be way harder.

I completely agree with @christmasfluff and I have done the same myself re. feeling like a single parent within a relationship.
My ex smoked a lot too and I am in no way diminishing the seriousness of addiction.
I just think the pp that are making out that social services will be banging your door down are very deluded.