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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm a narcissist and my relationship with dp is coming to an end.

30 replies

itsabootyhole · 10/08/2019 13:44

Been with dp for 8 years and we have 2 children together. I also have 3 teenagers from my previous relationship.

I've always known there is something wrong with me because the women on my dads side can't seem to hold onto men and they were kinda spiteful towards their husbands and have ended up being/dying alone. I always thought that it was just a curse on the women on my dads side.
I've researched narcissism and I have some of the traits. I want to get better I don't want my relationship to end I recognise that I'm not easy to live with and I want help what do I do? Has anyone ever been this way and they've got help that's worked?

OP posts:
Onacleardayyoucansee · 10/08/2019 13:47

I think many people have some of these traits, i know i fo.

You cant diagnose yourself.

Take focus from him and put it on you.
GP to start?

NoBaggyPants · 10/08/2019 13:55

If you were a man people would be saying you are untreatable and everyone should give you a wide berth.

I think you should step away from self diagnosis and identify what traits it is that you want to work on.

Thingsdogetbetter · 10/08/2019 13:56

Everyone has traits. Everyone! Narcissism is having a lot of the indicators to extreme levels. Very few people are truely narcs. And narcs can't get better, it's a personality disorder rather than a mh issue. It's who they are inherently. Narcs do NOT think there's something wrong with them. Just the opposite. They're perfect, it's everyone else that is wrong in not recognising that.

Assuming the women in the family are cursed in relationships is strange. Surely it more likely they are similar because of similar upbringings?

I would suggest that self diagnosing is the wrong way to go! Counselling with a professional would be the right road. So would owning your behaviour (although you're not sharing what that is) and not trying to place blame on a family curse or being a narc.

Kobr · 10/08/2019 13:58

You sure you're a narc or just ingrained behaviour taught from your family?

itsabootyhole · 10/08/2019 14:14

Thank you all for replying. Do I just go to my gp and tell him this? Will he refer me to sometime or do I need to go private?

I'm on antidepressants and suffer with anxiety. Only started them this week so they haven't kicked in yet but I desperately just want to be better. I can't cope with another break up.

Dp already talking about moving out I can't do this alone 😢

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 10/08/2019 14:33

I would advise to go away and read up on the various types of abusive behaviour and see if it applies to the men or to the women in your family. Emotional, financial, sexual and psychological abuse. Gaslighting, stonewalling etc.

itsabootyhole · 10/08/2019 15:14

@PicsInRed ok I might not be a narc after all but I'm definitely an emotional abuser. 😳

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 10/08/2019 15:26

Ok. What do you do and in what context?

(and whatever the answer, wanting to change is a good sign and a good start).

BlackberryBeret · 10/08/2019 15:37

You can't diagnose yourself but if you are voluntarily self-suggesting that you might be a narcissist, it is almost certain that you aren't.

The central part of narcissistic personality disorder is a grandiose belief that you are amazing (slang description obviously). A huge problem with getting NPD sufferers to even see a psychiatrist or have any sort of treatment is that that will not accept that there is anything wrong with them at all - because they are perfect.

If is almost a given that if you think you are a narcissist or suspect you might be (without being formally diagnosed) that you aren't - because you have too much self awareness to be a true narcissist.

NPD sufferers are not prone to self diagnosis as their grandiosity gets in the way.

I've always known there is something wrong with me because the women on my dads side can't seem to hold onto men and they were kinda spiteful towards their husbands and have ended up being/dying alone. I always thought that it was just a curse on the women on my dads side.

This means nothing as well as being from the dark ages ("Can't seem to hold onto men"?!?!? Who thinks like that in 2019?)

The behaviour of various "women" in your family is irrelevant - unless you are going to say catagorically - there have been a string of diagnoses of depression/bi-polar/borderline personality disorder.

Most relationships break down. People are generally selfish -it's a survival mechanism. It's much more likely that individual people have been spiteful in particular situations than spiteful being a genetic trait.

If you feel like there is "something wrong with you", you need to be much more articulate and specific about what it is before you see your GP. Being referred to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis is no joke and may set you on a path that you don't need or later regret.

You could try starting off with seeing a psychologist or a counsellor qualified to give CBT and other treatments.

These are the kind of things you might want to reflect on first.

Do you identify with the following statements?

I often feel “empty.”
My emotions shift very quickly, and I often experience extreme sadness, anger, and anxiety.
I’m constantly afraid that the people I care about will abandon me or leave me.
I would describe most of my romantic relationships as intense, but unstable.
The way I feel about the people in my life can dramatically change from one moment to the next—and I don’t always understand why.
I often do things that I know are dangerous or unhealthy, such as driving recklessly, having unsafe sex, binge drinking, using drugs, or going on spending sprees.
I’ve attempted to hurt myself, engaged in self-harm behaviors such as cutting, or threatened suicide.
When I’m feeling insecure in a relationship, I tend to lash out or make impulsive gestures to keep the other person close.
tenredthings · 10/08/2019 15:41

Surely a true narc would never ever recognize that they were one ?

itsabootyhole · 10/08/2019 15:49

I'm controlling and not just with dp with the kids too. Dp and I have been together 8 years for 6 of those he didn't really socialise and just worked. But in the last two years he's started seeing his old friends and often stopping in to see them on his way from work before coming home. Last week we had a big fight because he simply just got up and said he was going out when I was having a bad day, kids were driving me mad no one was dressed house was a tip ect. I flew off the handle and when he left I texted him calling him really horrible things. I then didn't speak to him for 6 days.
I have mad rage like a red mist just comes over me.
I put him down in arguments and call him fat, he told me that he has zero self esteem and it's what I've done.
I lack empathy even with the kids.
I've threatened him numerous amounts of time.
I withdraw affection as punishment.
I'm never in the wrong and won't apologise.
I need to know where he is at all times because of jealousy.
There's more but I can't think properly atm.

OP posts:
ScabbyHorse · 10/08/2019 15:53

I've heard differently; narcissists can recognise they are narcissists and indeed some take pride in it. It's a good sign that you are self aware enough to be questioning yourself. I would go to a qualified psychotherapist.

Miniloso · 10/08/2019 15:56

I think you are extremely brave for admitting you have a personality disorder. I would find a therapist who deals with personality disordered people and stick with it. It’s going to be a long haul, but you’ve taken the first step in recognising you have a problem.

RuffleCrow · 10/08/2019 16:04

Narcissists always refuse to acknowledge they're narcissists. That's part of the deal.

You may have some traits but it's likely these are adaptive behaviours from growing up amongst the women you describe. However I wouldn't saying relationships ending is a narcissistic trait. True narcissists will do absolutely anything to try and prevent the other person from breaking free.

Fizzypoo · 10/08/2019 16:09

Tbf I would have gotten angry if my dp upped and went out when the DC were being a nightmare. I don't think its unreasonable to expect and assume he would help.

Are you sure you think you're a narcissist and you're not being led to think that there is something wrong with you when there isnt?

Wishihad · 10/08/2019 16:13

OP you need counselling.

You talk about your kids as though they were babies. Driving you mad, no one dressed etc.

They are teenagers. If they arent doing anything and dont want to get dressed. That's up to them.

What do you they were driving you mad?

I imagine, that if I was him, withal controlling partner who also controls her kids and was getting worked up. I would want to go out too.

My ech was controlling an abusive. Eventually i got fed up of never going out with out him. When i though 'fuck this' I deserve a life. His controlling nature got worse. The more I checked out of trying to make him happy the more controlling he became.
He went to counselling. It didnt work. Because he was lying his arse off he would come home and tell me what he had told her and what she had told him in response (her response was it was my fault) I would point out, what he had told her was a big fat lie. He would sit there and go 'oh yeah, o forgot about that'.

If you go to counselling you must absolutely be honest. Not trying to make yourself look better or sound better. They wont judge you

But it wont help, if you arent honest.

Wishihad · 10/08/2019 16:14

Sorry did you mean the youngest kids were driving you mad?

I may have misread. The younger ones or the older ones?

That does put a different spin on it.

notupsettingpeople · 10/08/2019 16:53

Wow, I'm impressed with your self awareness. That would make me think you're not a narcissist, but then again, I am not trained and in no way qualified to have an opinion. What you are is unhappy, with or without anything diagnosable. Can you have a chat to your husband, or even simply show him this thread and then book in with your GP.
I wish you and your family all the best xx

YouKnowOneDayAtATime · 10/08/2019 16:55

A very experienced psychologist once told me that if you think or wonder even for a second if you are a narcissist, then you can’t actually be one.

SandyY2K · 10/08/2019 17:07

Very brave of you. I echo that counselling would be a good idea.

I think what you describe is more abusive, not necessarily narcissistic. I wonder if categorising it as a disorder makes it sound better to you.

It almost takes away your personal responsibility, like its something that's out of your hands.

If you love your DH let him go. Or at least agree to a separation until you change.

If your children witness your behaviour towards him, that's abusive too and will impact on their lives and future relationships.

Perhaps your own childhood is a contributing factor. The way you were raised. The relationship between your parents too.

itsabootyhole · 10/08/2019 17:09

@Wishihad yeah I was meaning the little ones. My depression makes getting myself and the little ones organised for the day. I was sat amongst chaos and he said he was bored and restless and was going to see his mate so I went off on one.
I'm so ashamed of myself for being like this I'm a grown adult I should be able to handle this rage and the way I treat him. It's almost like I have a split personality, I don't recognise myself sometimes.

I just want to get better I'm going to look into getting some counselling and I will definitely be honest with them. I need to get better for my family's sake.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 10/08/2019 17:16

You've done well to realise you have a problem, and start to seek help. The problem may not be what you think- but hopefully you will listen to the therapists/doctors that want to help.

One element of narcissism is only seeing others as they relate to you. So your children need to be as you expect your children to be, because they are yours. You may struggle to realise that while you may have responsibility to raise them, they are in fact their own people, with their own needs/drives/desires.

My DM would tell DF what he liked, what he wanted to do etc. As in 'you don't want to go to the forest, you want to go to the seaside' or not letting him buy things he wanted because 'you don't like short sleeve shirts'.

itsabootyhole · 10/08/2019 17:17

@SandyY2K I have a great relationship with my parents and my upbringing was normal. My parents never really argued and never swore infront of us. I felt very much loved so I don't think it's that's. I think it stems from when I was 16 and I left home and lived my then boyfriend he was abusive physically and mentally and I had my 3 children bu the time I was 20. He left me and I didn't really "deal" with it, I was very young and with 3 small kids I just got on with it and didn't really talk to anyone about what I went through. My parents were supportive financially and helping me realise them but I never opened up to them.
I spent a lot of years raising my kids alone until I met dp and things have been great up until the last two years. All of a sudden we're arguing a lot and talking of splitting up.

OP posts:
itsabootyhole · 10/08/2019 17:19

Raise them

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/08/2019 17:28

3 kids by 20 is tough. Maybe being in a controlling relationship, has made you now want to be the one in control in order to protect yourself... and it's coming out the wrong way.

I have a friend who had a bad first relationship and she had kids with him. She has mentioned some controlling things that have become part of her ways, as a result of that.

She's a lovely person, but she needs to be in control of booking holidays things like that.

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